Cream of the top

It's utter silly, and I'm keep doing the silly things.
I'm afraid, when nothing matters to me anymore, and not even family, I'm afraid.

So what matters to me?

The house is quiet, don't even bother to turn the TV on.
Sitting here, working the whole day and see the sun from day bright to dawn.

Plan changed, such a silly thought, although it's not a 'date' per se.

Eating stone hard poppy seed cake brought by a guest few days back, inedible.
Leaving the funny margarine smell in my mouth.

The kids next door is shouting non stop for more than 15 minutes now, the mother is pissed.

---

Wrote a sentimental email just now, I teared when I wrote it.
It mean so much to me, more than myself, more than anyone.

But yet, there's only empty shell I can see, it's practically non of my business.

---

My mom called, she said she wanted to come now, to my house, from Ipoh to celebrate new year with me.
If I'm still the old me, I will feel damn happy.
But deep down I just want to remain as it is tonight.

When you thought you know so much about one, it frightens you that you actually know so little.

It's ok not to be OK at times.

One goal

We once shared the same goal. And now you manage to achieve it, good work mate!
I don't know if that the same goal we shared, but I do believe in that, one day when we reach there, everything will be different. Mentally and physically.

I waited patiently, but time outrun me.

I still feel grateful, you did share with me the news. Something I waited for so so long.

Now here we are, standing on the same ground, same level, but what left?

 On my way back yesterday from hometown, my brother playing all BB's songs.
I felt a bit better listen together with him, he's the one introduce them to me, I think that's the original feeling that I should have.

It's slightly corrupted now, but it's ok. That mark a page in my life, long after this I will remember I once had this feeling when I listen to them. That keep us alive.

 ---

I have my TV on again, to light up the room.

TV seems too noisy.

Tried to find a song to hit on 'replay' mode, hmm....end up still Pink, Blow me...One last kiss.

I remembered I talked to my VN colleague last time, that I might go to VN next year.
He just asked me, when am I going.

LOLed.

Good bye vn beef noodles~ It's fated..that's why the air ticket is always so expensive.
That's why I didn't book it at the first place.
That's why a coincident business trip took place.

I remembered the airticket was booked during the first incident, not long after March.
I have some hesitation that time, I told myself, I shall give myself some buffer time, to decide something so far ahead.

When I decided to book it, the air ticket is ridiculously expensive.

So be the dots connected.

Thailand should be a good start. Live like a man and you never fail.

Stand up straight and look up, the earth is still big, world is not ended, life goes on.

Gold and Diamond boy

有些人的魅力，真的不容忽视。尽管你有多耀眼，对不起，你还是令我想起诸多的不愉快。
暂时，就暂时把你搁着吧。

Rethink

Here I am, putting the TV on and just sit here, letting the TV be my company.
These few days I have some roller coaster emotions, talked to a dear friend and immediately feel better, she's awesome.

Rethink back the time we had. Maybe this is how I lead my own relationship to this stage.
Maybe it's normal, maybe it's not, when feelings cool down, and everything become a norm.
Treating each other good is a norm, being there for each other is a norm, be truthful and completely open to each other is a norm.

Sometimes there's too much norm, nothing is un-norm in the end.
When you feed a sugar glider for fruits and sweet treats for all its' life, you can't feed him even something unsweetened. It'll taste bitter to that creature.

When norm is occupying, there's shouldn't be anything out of the norm. It'll lead to some dead end.

I have to admit, I'm not good at dealing with people. I'm not the sweet-girl-next-door who everyone will love at the first sight. I always have the wrong order in treating people.
But one thing it's always ME, when you treat me 1% kindness, I'll repay you in 10%; if you give me something unexpected, I will repay you with all my life.

I'm the 'all out' person. I don't know how to play games, the cornering games.

Everything looks so damn familiar. I am a girl, I kinda know, although I'm not as girly.

Be grateful, for what I have. Even though life given me a lemon, no worries, sour taste good too.

幻灯片

I just back tracked, the last time I was here with the whole family was 6 years back.
6 years...

The most recent one was just this year, with you and the rest of the happy gang.

I don't like the feeling of still thinking about work when I'm here with family, and I can't enjoy much.
And the fact is, something else is so full in my mind, and yet so empty.

6 years ago

Want to reach out to something, but I can never reach. Is not like I worked hard enough I can gain something. Something is beyond reach.

People have been kind to me, but why am I so restless to bother about the rest of the world?

I have some very important issue to think, think think...why am I so occupied by things I 'm not suppose to think anymore?

There's a hole inside, wanting something to filled, which will never come.

Let it be, the pain and the hole is to remind me, I'm still alive, can feel the pain, can see things clearly, can realize very much later this is the best thing happen to me.

Love, why are you so hard to find, and so easy to slip away?

逝

Hello from Cameron Highland!

Whenever my mind is blank, I can't help but flash back all the memories, everything is like a slide show, like a video playback.

We shared quite some fun memories here, including finding elephant middle of the night :)
Triple date with the others, and we had some really good time and good pictures.

My brain is basically filled with useless things like this.

I still can't understand at times, how can one easily change?
We still talked about love not long ago, and now just merely past tense.
How drastic life can be?

Guess love is just something so worthless, that time can divert love so easily.
I used to not believe it in, then you make me believe it, and now I doubted it.

It's a funny world with funny people. Tomato cheeks again in my mind.
I wasn't the right one from the beginning am I?

Sigh.

Brain Juice

Shouldn't be apple cheek, tomato cheek it is!


Sigh, today has been a rough day.
Didn't had my lunch till 9.30 pm, have some yummy but unhealthy instanto noodle.

My brain is severely damanged, thanks to the boss's goreng session, and I know it's not over yet.
He's sharpen me, and I've been VERY rusted recently.

It's good to polished when I have no more energy and heart to do things. Not to mention passion as well.
'Think, Weisin...I need you to think.'

Well well, I'm so distracted by don't know what, and god knows what..I can't think.
I need to be wide awake anyway, just waiting for the timing. Then another vicious cycle again.

Boss always have a macroscopic view of things. Very mass, the picture is huge. What I can see is a small portion of it. But whenever he lead me, it's like opening doors in that picture, and I tend to see more with guidance.

It's me, need guidance. I can work independently, but I can think very far ahead.
Look at me, things I do are repeating the first quadrant (4 quadrant in the book, 7 Habit of Effective people), the Urgent and Very important things.

Eventually the second Quadrant, which is not urgent, but important stuff are crucial.

He asked me lots of question, I can only answer with my mouth wide open. I'm unprepared.

I can't loose my career anymore, I've lost quite a bit recently. Only not weight.

As much as I want to keep my head up, I can't help myself from overthinking.
Life has been quite good to me, people around are good to me.

Thankful for that, imma have a good life.

Thank YOU.

---

Sometimes, just rethink in my position. Things I said are not exactly pointless, all you need is a paradigm shift.
 

New Year?

Really? Flying on public holiday?
NO WAYYY....

Right or Wrong?

Happy Boxing day!
Boxing day= shopping day...but it's irrelevant to me anyway.

Today's topic...Who, and What defines right or wrong?

When things involve emotions/ human..everything will be far more complicated.
We don't get misunderstanding so often last time don't we?

I got confused, a lot of times. When I say something, i have to think twice, whether I'm being too arrogant saying so. When I want to offer to help on something, I might seems to be very lansi.

I did something, or said something seemingly odd to you, it'll look like I did it on purpose.

Maybe I used to ask some random questions, and might offend you or irritate you in some ways.
But think, we used to have random talks like this.

And now I don't know what to talk to anymore.

I guess we had awesome party last night. Looking at your happy face, since when we have had fun like that? I realize our interaction are quite different, priviledge?

I'm grateful for the great people who came last night, it turn out to be a much merry Christmas than I expected.

Grateful for the gift I received, such a bless.

I've been wanting the tumbler for quite sometime, knowing me well, I won't spend that kind of money on a tumbler, and the gourmet instant coffee. Thanks so much.

I had dejavu with Crabtree & Evelyn, been seeing that brand times and times during Xmas, finally I got the hand cream for gift!

Gotten myself a pinky ring as well. Get it ? get it?
Made a wrong gesture turn out to be another misunderstand again, but it's ok, It's fine... I wanted to do that not to victimize myself.

Despite how much I dislike this year, it's coming to an end, and I felt heavyhearted saying goodbye to 2012.
We shall farewell to the bad things happened this year, all the tragedy and sadness, tears and grief. Regrets and wasted effort, most importantly; my first love.

What awaits me, is a new life.
 

Merry Christmas

I guess there's nothing more suitable than this title. So  first of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sometimes when you are not meant to be doing something, don't do it.
It doesn't suit u at all.

I tried to drink, but only half a normal glass of wine i can take in, and I find world map is across my body.

Dizzy, tired, vomit sensation, worst ever.

Woke up middle of the night after dream of the apple cheek,  saw some happy faces still drinking.
Great.

Why can't I be one of these? Loser.

I guess you can only do this when there's no me.

As much as I want to get drunk too, I just can't, I'm useless.


---

Do you know some people will give you some kind of look, which you think you're the most idiot stupid dumb ass in the world look? Like you're the ugliest person in the planet?

I think I am really a farking dumb ass, and I do feel ugly too. I'm nothing, nothing compare to anyone of you.

More work to do after checking email, tomorrow is my judgement day.

He keep asking me , 'think about it.'

My mind is so occupied I have nothing left for work, how sad it is. My bread and butter, and I can't even do a good / average job for it.

What is going to be my destiny?

All I want for Christmas, is a meaningful life.

Dream

It's Christmas eve today.
I spent the last 4 Christmas eve in the church, showered with Christmas Carrol, blessing, drinking session. Very blissful.

Found back a card you made for me. Some stickers, nice words.


Before your existence, I used to help out my mom to clean the furniture, the annual cleaning. I missed those days a lot, waking up and watch TV, the TV3 Kids club especially.

Amazed by those send in coloring competition, then endless cartoons until noon time.

Help out my mom to move out the furniture, clean, rinse, dry, move back in again.
Exhausted, but clean.


Gonna have small party in my house today, quite excited about it. It's party anyway, I need to hype up myself.

I can foresee I won't be around too often next year onwards, I will appreciate the time I can spend with everyone of you.

I should start loving myself more...starting by giving myself a cheap jewelry as Christmas gift.

Merry Christmas me!


---


Dream again... you..
Perfect apple cheek, fair, feminine...nothing like me.

If I am a guy, I would want to date a girl like this.
Vulnerable, cute, bubbly, nice laughter, vain, a fine template of a girl, the girl next door.
It's perfect isn't it?

Don't know since when I have lesser dress in my wardrobe. Dress, the simplest way to dress up and become a princess. Maybe I no princess, I'm always the servant, at your service.

Long ago someone called me a princess. The first time I heard this I felt like I'm the only princess in the whole world. Who knows, I have this tiny little dream deep down, to be treated like a princess, living in a candy house, sleeping on a marsh mallow bed, wearing the most feminine dress and wear the best jewelry, like how they portray Disney princesses. 

Long wavy hair, hand glove, blue eyes...with a prince!

I don't get people to call me that much though LOL.

感恩

Well, guess the world is not end yet, but I woke up late today, thinking I don't need to work or just stay on the bed and wait for Alien/ Zombies/ Bomb/ Meteor.

Saw this from Leng Yein's FB: Couldn't agree more.

Before u meet the man of your life, u have to live like a man.

Couldn't agree more.

Today, is the day we should all feel grateful. Grateful that I'm breathing, grateful that I can think, can remember, can feel grateful. 

Grateful for the best thing happening now, being single and rethink my life.

Feel grateful for relook into my attitude, my kindness, whether my kindness kills.

Grateful for all the people came across my life. For you who spent so much time in my life. Thank you.

I'm sure I learn something out of the whole event.  I should live for myself ever since. I should treat myself like how I sayang my love.

Sometimes is really me, don't you realize? It's me who causes all the issues.  

  

Revision

Sometimes life is unexpected, there's unexpected event, unexpected issues, like my resent event, is the least I would expect could happen.

I have so much trust on us, believing that my hard work will pay off, my perseverance will have return one day. However, it happened...and unexpectedly, happened twice in a year. And still, I kept faith in you, after so much hurtful events.

Another unexpected one is the people who will come across your life during your down time, the things they said, the lesson they though you, and the advise from the wise ones.

It's so damn true. Once I asked one of my friend who is from India, she married to the husband through arranged marriage.

'How can you marry a person who you barely know?'
'Most of us get married through arrange marriage have a happy marriage. Take a look at the couples who gotten married after dating for years. How many of them lasted? And how many of them divorced? 

It's so damn true.

(Copied from 丽燕 in FB, all credit goes to her, this is too good not to be shared)
 

人的感情，实在是一种难以驾驭与掌控的感知。
以前人家盲婚哑嫁，说的是感情可以慢慢培养，日久可以逐渐生情；现在大家自由恋爱，最后却是渐行渐远，不见来时路。
孟庭苇有一首歌是这样的：「我们已走得太远，已没有话题，只好对你说：你看，你看，月亮的脸偷偷地在改变〜」
我一直很喜欢这首歌这个chorus，但是，一段感情要用月亮作为完结，虽然凄迷却很可悲，我不喜欢这个画面。
最近见到身边的人都被情爱困住，有感而发。
感情事没有对错之分，局内人尚且看不清，更何况是局外人。我只能说，已经无法挽回的情，真的不必再频频回首。最好连手都不挥，拎起美好回忆快步离去。破镜重圆不是没有，但是，如果那面镜子照得自己都不认得了，又是何苦？
人家没有隐瞒没有欺骗没有欲断还留没有拉着你纠缠不放，已是大幸，应该向人家鞠躬行礼握手道谢，人家没有陷你于万劫不复之地。
世间任何事物任何感情，有企望便可能失望。如果要去到祈望与乞求如斯地步，或许应该认真检讨究竟值不值得如此低下。
没有知己，请学会与心灵对话；没有爱人，请更要自爱自强。
不服气要报复？
不要酗酒用毒寻一夜情找替代感情，那是最低层次、最作贱自己的报复方式。
自古以来，最强的报复方式便是「活得比跟他在一起时更好」！

I don't know her much, just met once during an orchestra concert. I knew that she's a very knowledgeable lady, have very deep thoughts, didn't know one fine day her words will touch me.

 She have a strong character, unlike how she look like, obedient and quiet. She have so much courage, and she stand firm on what she think is right. No one can bully her because she's the master of her own will.

I admire that.

I accidentally flipped through the pictures I gotten that day. One day before white valentines day on the first incident.
The picture captured my attention and I can't carry on my work anymore. Everything flashed back in my head, and I can remember the night I spent in my own room, without anyone, alone....and I have to look at the shattered trust I once had. 

Painful? no..
Hurt? was hurt...now is more like questioning myself, what have I done wrong in the past?

Too confident?
I got the price to pay now, I have no confident now and I don't know whether carrying confident is right, or wrong.

Cocky = Confident = Bossy= Fierce= you are so not lovable.

It's going to end soon, year 2012, the painful yet memorable year.

If tomorrow ever come, I hope I can define myself once again, how am I suppose to behave. 

I already screwed my career, I can't afford to lose anything anymore.

没有爱人，请更要自爱自强。
 

Been there, done that

I always keep my mouth shut. So I won't spill out needle by accident and poke you right in your ears/ heart/ mind.

Unfortunately I still did, I tried at least.

If I want something, believe in something, I'll do whatever it takes to make it work.
I used this in my homework, assignment, studies, career, buying house. They works, most of the time.
But there's times like how I did badly in LJMU, hardwork is not everything, it is not a guarantee return.

Really, everything in the world, every human being will have an invisible ruler. There's ranking of priority.
If you are not on the top, then forget it. You will never be.

Quick check.
You will have a list of friend in your FB/MSN/ Skype...etc.
The ones always at the top, say...the right hand contact in your FB list, are your ranking. Roughly.
Get it?

夜已深，还有什么人

Did you ever have this very funny feeling, keep switching TV channel but found nothing you can watch, and just turn on the TV for companionship? And your mind start to go spinning crazily, and random thoughts came up, stupid ideas, wrong ideas come first, then memories, finally a dash of sorrow.

Did you ever wanted to talk to people so crazily, you start scrolling all the contacts in your app, and sending random message to random people desperately?

Ever feel like doing nothing at all, just want to sit there, waiting to rot together with the chair?

Ever feel like everything around does not matter to you anymore? Including cleanliness, house work, undone work, emails, dinner...worst, family.

Meaningless in everything you do. And feel like a farking dumbass all. the. time.

Saw this from somewhere, 如果你长得很抱歉，那就请你多笑吧。
Like a idiot, like I laugh at every idiotic low class joke every time.

Less fierce now?

---

Did you ever imagine how your future partner will look like?
I can totally imagined your's, times and times it appeared in my sleep.

I can't imagine mine, someone taller? shorter? fatter? uglier?wealthier? fairer? Asian? Malaysian? Short hair? Bald?

Give me a sign, before end of the world.

こいつ

不知不觉，就是会想到你。
你你你。。。大多的梦都梦到你，什么时候才放过我。
好令人郁闷，又不能忘记的脸。

因果？报应？ 报什么呢？

也好，总算上了一课。



















Don't judge the book by the cover, I misjudged the cover, and even the book.

 寂しいよ、どうしてあたしのことう裏切るの？

 昔の約束はどうなたですか？

大丈夫です、すべては終わりました。

新しいの生活ははじまります。

Storm?

What would you do, if you know storm is hitting you?

You can see it coming, like dooms day, you know the symptoms. Irregular storms, abnormal weather, climate change. But there's just so little mankind can do.

What about yourself?

I saw storm coming, and few months ago I changed my whatsapp status, 'Time is ticking'.
I knew, I fight, I fought, I tried, I lost, I cried, I move on.

I'm not saying I have the best solution, I did the right thing. Many things I did were wrong, but at least I tried to fix things, before it gone even worse.

-------

Many of us today, don't know what we are fighting for. Me too.

I had my house, and it's not exactly like I'm expected. Colder than I thought.

Look at our previous generation, which one of our seniors make changes regularly? Our last time when we don't have so much technology and people are not as corrupted, things were good.

They can stay in the same job for 10, 20 years and still doing good, raise a whole family without starving. And they don't complain much. Things are meant to be obey, rules are made to follow.

People change now, everything changed.

What you have in your mind?

Fear?

You are much fearless than you though you are, you dare to make a move like you did.
Again, it's a weighing game. I realize there's no such thing as 'not free', 'no time', 'busy'.
It's how you prioritize things. If you think that work is more important than a date, of course you will go for work.

If you think your family come first, you won't have excuse to skip family dinner and do other things, simple as that.

When people told you 'I'm busy', it's merely because you're not the priority.

If there's so much reasons/ reason you need to stay, you will stay, if that's your priority.


Just random thoughts.

3 fatal letters

October is my fav month, I mentioned this a lot of times. Because after that will be festive season, like now.

My life is like a roller coaster ever since the day, I step into my quarter life.

Found 3 fatal letters and it changed my life, and change my perception forever towards the opposite sex.

I'm doing fine, recovering.
I tend to forget things easily, including the hurtful moment. Good and bad actually.

Good thing is I can let go things fast. Bad thing is, I will repeat my mistake after forgotten the pain.

Enjoy life, dooms day is coming.

Wide awake

I just realize, I might ruin my career by my recent emotions and downfall.
I expected some conversation but it didn't happen...
What awaits me?

A make good test?

You again

Walking under the rain alone in Orchard, is no fun at all.

I was a bit abnormal yesterday, and when I finally get to sleep. I dream about you and you again. 
Still haunting me, even though I tried to cut down on everything could have reminded me of you.

You were smiling happily, like you always do, in the pictures, with you sweetly. In my damn dream.

I woke up and feeling....awful.

Expected, the slide which I didn't do well, got criticized by the bosses, both of them. 
I know they expected MORE, like much more, like a level up. A standard one, which I suppose to have by NOW.

I'm just not capable enough, my mind seriously not working properly when I tried to do my slides, for few days.

Seeing Christmas deco everywhere, is lonely this time.
The lights are beautiful, the atmosphere is right. But I don't feel anything.
Tried to buy something to cheer myself up, but I only attracted to Liverpool books. Such a loser.

Injured my toes. It hurts and hard to bear.

Love is everywhere, couples are holding hands and kissing.
Families are gathering together to shop for christmas, sales are everywhere for Christmas as well.
Such a blissful season. I appreciate the years we spent. Under the big cross and friends, drinks after service and presents.

View from 70th floor.

I'm starting to learn drinking now. Beer, liquor.
had Gin Tonic at 70th floor Equinox today, in Swissotel.
The view is breath taking, for a moment my world is peaceful, looking at the view.

Perfect place for a romantic hang out :)

The view make up the trip, it's all worth it.

Had some really nice time catching up with the colleagues. I like this quarterly session, I felt like I'm belongs to here, the office which I can proudly say is my company. (Although I don't own a space yet)

Amazing people inspires me, and I do need inspiration now. The business trip is not about fancy hotel and shopping at all, is recharging. I need positive energy, I need to see the passionate faces to reinforce myself, to remind myself why did I love this job so much.

They are truly inspiration, and amazing talent. X-men my boss said, Xmen talent.
Frankly, I don't know my strength yet. He told me he 'kinda' know my strength, and given me an assignment to do.

I don't even 'kinda' know...how am I suppose to utilize my not known strength?

Year 2013 gonna be a good year, because the best thing have happened to me. If 2013 will ever come.

Lonesome

There's good and bad times, today is the bad day.
After a rough day of traveling, motion sickness, starve, long wait for cab, not-so-great hotel.
I'm tired, and extra lonely.

I've been progressing recently, not to overthink things which I can't change, try to just be who I want to be.

Today...there's too much memories drowning me.

Accidentally scroll to the old messages, the time when you are still courting me, or we were just started, regardless.

So many of them I don't even dare to read them. They are too sweet to be true, my current self is too bitter for this.

One of them said you were proud to have me, we should learn from each other. Well well....
Why are we stopped?

1 month seems so near. I can still see all the pictures in my damn timeline. They are so real, yet so unreal.
I don't even know when does the person in the picture are no longer my buddy, my soul mate, my protector.

Someone asked me yesterday: you really broke up already?
What do you mean by 'really'?

I know, you were saying...' is this a stunt that you pull off to get your man back?'

Sadly, no.

When there's no more love, there's practically nothing left.

What I still have in me, probably is love, or habit, or responsibility, or attachment. To get rid of the root is not an easy task.

We poured in everything, to strike for a balance, to achieve something, another level up.
Half way the string broken, no music can play using broken string.

The whole trip, I don't even think about playing a damn music. Just silent. Black and white.
Dizzy visual.

I need to talk, I need food, I need companion, I need to laugh stupidly now.

One Direction

Great quote!

Sometimes I laugh so so hard in front of friends, for some lame jokes and not funny statement, people will look at me strangely.

I'm trying can't you see? Laughing hard will make me truly believe that I'm laughing, happy.
I felt much better actually.

Time will pass, wound will heal, but feelings and smells never go away.

I know my boss is going to ask me the question: What you want to excel in your career? What you really want to do?

He's such a scary person that he can sense that I'm heading no where, and getting drained by everything. He talked to me, and I felt so much better after showered in his advise and motivation.

So lucky to found my mentor, who appears to be my boss as well.

Keep going girl, keep going!

Trees which gone through storm will grow taller, I know that well.

Imma think HARD, what I really want. Not as a follower. As a master of my own life.

Passion-less

I remembered I still have an unlimited cheque to dine in here...

Is a passion-less day, with misunderstanding which I don't know how to explain, and just be the misunderstand happen.

I guess I repeating the same mistake, not clearing the misunderstand to avoid doubts.

Hello me!

 

Hello!

Dear me, how are you today? 

It's been one month since the heart broken day happened. 

Are you OK now? Are you a better self now?

This is a long long month.

Worse is on this joyful festive season, the bitterness lingers, can't get rid of it.

I think I manage to pull off now, in terms of emotions and negativity.

I didn't cry last night. I manage to get a couple of hours sleep, despite I'm awake by the stopped robot and your groan. 

Tried to keep myself busy, try to come back later than you, tried to move away from everything, tried very hard to get attracted to something, something to kill time.

I think slowly, I will be able to find the meaning of watching TV, not turning on everything in the house to keep me company.  

Progressively, I will be stepping out of the pain, and start to feel numbness. Like something press on your shoulder for too long, and you won't feel the pain and the weight anymore. You just feel numb, and tired.

人生无奈的事情很多，冥冥中自有安排。

上天给你那么多，拿走那么多应该是有道理的。

不要去抵抗，受伤的会是自己。

上天让你承受痛苦，是为了让你预备好更严峻的考验。

痛苦让你成长，让你珍惜，让你吸取教训。

我看化了。

Sometimes life is not about how much you give, and then to measure how much you take.

Life not necessary can be a balance, despite I'm a Libra. 

Sometimes when your faith shattered, you will do something very silly.

I even went to check out Feng Shui, and realize putting fake flower in the house is not good for relationship. Coincident huh.

LOL at myself.

Letting things go to get hold on something better. Maybe the better things will not come, but letting go for more peace, I think I can do it.

Beef soup of soul

This is the MOST pathetic Christmas tree I ever seen! Kudos for the effort, by turning the junks into decoration. But too much of junks make this 'tree' look really like a junk. Where are the presents? LED lights? colorful charms and sweets?

Urgh, as dull as the newspaper might present. Ink, and yellowish newspaper.
Festive during this time is not easy I know. But I will make it through. I will be fine.

Started my day with beef soup ta-baoed as surprise. Same food, same taste, same person, but whole entirely different scenario.

However, the warm soup still warms up my tummy and my heart. 

This is something you would do out of ordinary to surprise me. I appreciate that.

 

Finally made it to Cheras to eat the famous fish head noodle.

Like how it looks, cook to perfection in creamy soup base, smooth and tender fish chunk (fresh fish, not the fried one), a hint of chinese wine and salted vege to stir up the taste bud.

yums...

It's raining now, again.
Weather has been like this for months. Good and bad, good and bad.

The day before my boss asked me, what would I want to do next, in the future, what would I want to excel.
Frankly, I have no freaking idea at all.

For all this while, I've been leaded, guided by someone. Either you, the boss, or friends.
Obviously, I need guidance, and sometimes I do really need to work alone, live alone.
Think Weisin think! What you want to do in life?

What to do with your life?

Season of Joy

It's the season of Joy again, December, the joyous month.

Soon you will see Christmas decor everywhere, everyone is shopping for their love one, planning parties, planning surprise for the other half, writing greetings card.

Everyone will be posting happy pictures, with christmas tree, in every mall, house, office, random xmas pics.

I remembered the giant Christmas tree, a huge cross and Christmas drama. I knew so much about Christmas during past few years. I missed it dearly.

The merrier the surroundings, the more bitter it is. Imma cover up the bitterness with a big fat smile.
So much regrets, but I'm OK, really.

Slipping away...

During August, I knew the clock is ticking. I try so hard to find a reason, why? and resulted myself always in bad temper, everything is just not right.

I made an effort to try cheer you up on your birthday, spend some quality time together, surprise you with a getaway. Decent meal, breakfast, quality time...

And so, my loose temper is also created so much problem which I finally know, is the axe of my  relationship.

Didn't know the feelings of losing someone is so horrifying. 

You know something is slowly happening, but yet there's nothing you can hold on to, because you have no clues, at all.

Crying out loud is not something I like to do. The last time I did that was March 14, the day I realize there's no such thing as secure on our base.

And now, we should have no more fuss, no more trust issues, no more problems, just sorrows. But the feeling is like thousands of ants biting me, all over my body. It's painful and itchy, but the more I scratch the more itchy it is, and scratching leaves scars.

I'll keep calm and carry on. Maybe everything from the start is not right.
I will walk on the line, not crossing any, and try to walk away one day.

 

Move on girl!  This is the best thing happen to you.

You will always be What you are.

Stupidity can't cure, imma slap myself few more times.
HAHAHAHA.

3 roses

Suddenly think of the 3 roses today.

That day when you bought me flowers by surprise, I manja you to buy me flowers once a while, you say...'OK ar!'

The day we called off, the flower dies as well, right on the same day.

Flower dies, heart dies, feelings never die.

Hard Cold Fact

It's a hard cold fact I need to accept.

There's nothing left I know. It's not how it used to anymore.

It's definitely hard for me, but that's the best thing in the world happen to me.

Just few days before you call it off, you told me the 3 letter words. Can the 4 alphabets just disappear like that?

It is going to be another lonely trip to SG. Remind me of all the time we share in SG, short, sweet and memorable.

You bought me an overpriced ear rings out of surprised, I cherish that. And a ring after came back alone from the trip.

How sweet it is.

Just some random thoughts, best thing is happening to me, it must be.

Refill

Can't stop refilling for you, the coffee, snacks...and maybe feelings?

空洞

I got a virtual hug from a friend yesterday *hugs back*
That's very sweet and warm of her.

Told ya this is the best thing happen to me...but why am I sighing every time, and the bitter.

Found some expired love.

It's Sunday now, I didn't had my lunch nor dinner, and I am hungry.
But I can't take up any initiative to find something to eat. I just can't do anything.

回程的时候看着路边的景色，曾经一起走过的大道。 准备咖啡，糖果，陪你说话。
虽然为数不多，可我家人又问起你了。大家其实都很疼你。

那让我更加不懂得面对他们了。怎么说得出口？

踏进家门口，我的手在颤抖。 我爱过的家，现在只是一个空穴。
看着那床被子，从旧家带回来的被子。好多时间都裹在被子里面，什么都不做，谈天说地。谈家人，谈彼此，谈工作，谈电影。那床我想念得心疼的被子。

心里淌的血，什么时候才会止血？

电视在看我，不是我在看电视。
客厅很大，房间很恐怖，饭厅也很可怕。
这样的日子每天不厌烦的重复。

做着一样的事情，一样的人，不一样的感觉。


That day seems like a show reel keep replaying in my mind.
What if....what if?
What if I was given an option, to sort things out?
What if we can deal things differently, less frustration, less stress, more communications.

It's loser to think of such things, you know there's no option for you, when you know you're the cause of everything.

Just have to admit sometimes, people change.
Suck it up and admit that's the best thing happen to you.

Break down

I am a loser, officially.

How many times I've promised myself, NOT to cry over spilled milk, not to breakdown in front of you anymore?

I did it, yesterday. I can't control my feelings, there's so much sadness inside me it's like an opened tab, it's flowing through me, and I can't stop it.

Tried so hard to fake a smile, I can do it easily during day time, during outings, when I'm alone. But when I'm with you, all my feelings are slapping right on my face. The pain hit me, the sorrow and the grief hit me hard, times and times.

Pardon me for my unreasonable breakdown.

I finally see the distance, when I not know about your trip. I though we are so call still friends. But friends do share this kind of stories, what happen during day time, gossip, personal updates. But maybe in your translations, these are report and tracking metrics.

We are just avoiding to step on the land mine, and you are stepping back with plans. Stage by stage, slowly stepping back, letting go.

And me, I'm losing myself bit and pieces. Like how you letting things go.

Sometimes when I can't get out of the emotions, I will just drown in my memory lane, the time when I didn't ever think that we will separate, and most importantly -- happy.
I did my best to remind you, of all the olden times, the happy memories, our unfinished promises.
Before the storm, I tried every night, to cuddle you and tell you the old stories. Try to remind you of the love, we once had.

I did my best, really.

I told you I love you, you said Me too...
So, where's the love?


You said I don't listen to you, I don't talk to friends.

No...I've been venting the same thing, over and over.
Talking to many different people, telling in many different ways. I thought I was OK. But I'm not apparently. I'm just numb with the story and the ending. After all, the bitterness is buried with me, and I'm bitter.

God isn't that fair, the world is not fair.
You taken back your love, and took away all my strength and interest.

This is the best thing happen to me EVER!
Don't magnify your problem, there's no one injured, die or handicap. Don't magnify it.

I'll hold on to this, suck it up and fuck off when I'm emotional.

When life give you a lemon, sometimes it can be a sour lemon juice.

Norm

There's always a boundary, I know about that. Sometimes when the boundary fact hit me, I will be defeated, and hide away in my non-exist secure base.

Soon, when it hit me few more times, I will get use to it.

Some of the things we need to bear the consequence. If you take something, you will expect to pay back in some manner. If you let go something, you will need to let go the things bound together.

How much one wish, you can't have all the best things in the world, without losing anything.

I'll get over it.

This could be the best thing happen to me, Ever!

Blue Christmas

心情随笔

没有了音乐，我的世界可以是很无聊，很安静。
没有兴趣原来是那么的闲的，闲人也。 
闲得肩膀都痛了。自己替自己捶捶背， 嘿咻。

经常在一个人的时候想起，很多假设性的问题。
如果我那样的话，我们会不会这样。

我今天又想念你的家人来了。
生日礼物买了吗？ 我连买生日礼物给你家人的理由都没有了。

回不去了，无论我怎么恨，怎么想，怎么哭喊都是回不去了。
到现在还是很好奇，感情怎么可以像开关一样，一关就没有了？ 什么都不剩了？

好想念从前的日子，那些我现在连想都心疼的日子。
昨天发现你久违痛苦的身体才恍然大悟。

你的毒疮，你的痕痒，身体不适，头痛。。。原来如此。
以前就觉得为什么回家了，还是那么不舒服呢，对着我的脸色一天比一天苦。
我知道你尽力了，我其实也看出来，是我。
原来你的身体很诚实，没有我的日子，你是可以很正常，健康的在外面待着，一点也不痒。哪怕半夜三更了。

看来，我才是那个肿瘤。

按摩只是一个服务罢了。没有人会对服务生说多过‘谢谢‘的话的，这里也不流行给小费的。
只要一个很可爱，很乖巧，听话，小鸟依人，永远低姿态的。

我很好，这是最好的了，没有比这个更好的了。

独白

昨天自言自语一番， 就了无生趣地坐在床上，我很不喜欢的床上。
哼了妈妈小时候很喜欢哼给我听的儿歌，‘慰慰，不要怕，你是好娃娃，自己跌倒自己爬’

I was chatting with a friend on a 2 hours jam yesterday. She tried to interest me with movies, variety shows, songs, outings, social...I told her..

I lost interest in everything now, not even shopping, music, songs, movies I used to love.
Best thing is I'm phobia to Korean stuff. 

It's kinda kua zheong I know, but only when it hit me only I knew the impact is so big.
Now I start to pick up some of the 'interest'...tried watching anime which is brainless and supposedly hilarious, I can't continue for long as well.

Tried to have conversations, but I can't start. Probably minimizing it will help.

慰慰，不要怕，你是好娃娃，自己跌倒自己爬

The same scenery, different feeling, different people.

It'll be the rainbow after the storm. I'll wait for you rainbow.

Buck up

Reinforcement: This is the best thing happen to your life.

Yesterday a dear friend tell me, stop weighing what have you done. Right on the spot actually.
It hurts, it still does. Knowing that the future I've been secretly fantasize are all without me now, it hurts.

My emo level is going to burst today, I guess should be the monthly good sister's fault. I'm feeling physically and mentally unfit for anything, work, social...but I have to carry on.

Buck up buck up! This is the best thing happen to you!

对。话， 对话

Probably we used to know about each other too well, and too much. Now every normal thing came out from my mouth sounds vicious to you. But really, thanks for letting me know. I can only be more careful when I know the border line, it would be a big favor if there's a dos and donts.

想要开口说话，想要一个很正常的问候，可是什么才是对的话呢？
没有对的话又何来对话呢？

思前想后，每句话都能被扭曲意思。欲说出口的话，都说不出了。
连简单的问候都免了。

原来那么正常的担心和问候，会让你觉得那么不自在. 伤了。
爆发出来的是发烧和胃绞痛。 一个人躲在被子里痛苦呻吟。
可是我觉悟了，我自认为正常的对话并不是对的话。

我，很好。真的很好。就那么一点点忐忑，谁不会呢？
谢谢你的扶持， 我很珍惜。
现在家事你都做得很好了，难道你从前没有预料到你会把家事都做好的一天吗？
我一向都觉得你可以的，只要你又自信能做好， 就一定能做好。 就好像你的工作一样，记得那天你打算拒绝这份工作吗？ 后来有信心了，还不是做得那么出色。


Woke up lots of times during middle of the night. Many many times.
What I used to like the most is to wake up earlier than you, and turn around look at your deep sleep face. Although 9 out of 10 you will have your back facing me. I will sit at the bed side and look at your face. 'Morning', I said.

Simple things like this, you never knew how beautiful it is to have someone reply you.

I won't cry over spilled milk anymore, it's worthless. I realize bitterness have become part of me now. 24 hours, whenever I am conscious, I felt bitter. 

But it's ok you know, bitter make me stronger.
You told me that I'm bossy and ego, I don't need nobody. Now only I understand, I actually pick up something from this relationship, called 'dependance'.

I do need somebody, from time to time I do need somebody, physical and mentally there for me.
No need to do anything specific, just be there to company.

I'm not that independent like how I used to be. I'm afraid of the dark, helpless when anything in the house goes wrong, freak out when anything happen to my car, afraid to go out and wash my car alone, don't dare to drive my car out of my range, afraid to go to the nearest neighborhood because there's so much crime cases, I even can't spend a night in the room of pain, can't watch TV on my own, don't mention a free time, weekend or holiday without you in my planning. I do pick up dependance without my notice.

But it's ok, this is the best thing happen to me, of course picking back up independent will be good to me too. Although it takes time, to overcome, but I will. I know.

I found back one dream, finally. Starting to realize it, and hope for the best. Another dream is to fill the house with love, to feel like a home, not an empty shell.

I'll live my life, using my adaptation. I hope it take shorter time, however I know this time is not normal sickness, is a cancer which takes time to cure. Taking baby steps now, although I fell sometimes, stand up and try again. Try harder if you may, cry once in a while, but try and walk further.

'Just because it burns, doesn't mean you gotta die.' I know.
'You gotta get up and Try.' Yes.

Get up and Try. no more

It reaches limit I know, and I'm limitless?

Today is the day I promised myself, to walk over the dead bodies and find new aims.
Though of some contingency plans to stop myself from thinking, hope they works.

TV seems to be the most boring object in my house, I wonder I should just terminate the subscriptions, it's purpose-less now. Other than expired Outsourced and Super Funny Show.

I missed them, so much, my dear parents.
No one in the world can beat their love to me. Looking into my Mom's eyes, I know she feel for me, but she's so understanding didn't ask me much. Just give me support I need and the home cook food I missed the most.

This is a crazy world isn't it. For some reason, I do believe in the doomsday, and I can feel that it's near.

Pardon me for some accidental crazy statement. If my concerns are too overwhelmed.
People do fall out of love, some can do it easily, some can't. I take time, but I'll definitely get over.

20 days ago in the room of pain, you've decided to put everything on haul, I know there's no way back. I'll buck up and get a new life. Fall out of love, learn to love myself, walk straight with long lost pride and confident. I can do it.

Sickness and sorrows attacking me. Holding on for so long, finally I fell sick.
I knew it's brewing inside my body, when it explodes, everything attacking me so strong. I feel vulnerable and helpless.

Didn't manage to sleep while you're away. After taking pills yesterday, manage to get some sleep, when you're home. Maybe subconsciously some habit can't being erased just with a snap. The insecurities without you is still affecting me. Again, I will get over it.

Best thing ever

Had so much thoughts running in my mind today. I can't remember most of them now, too messy.

Today is the day I planned for quite some time, to spend a decent family outing. Things turn out to be something different, a bit more bitter feeling. I know it's the pain I have to go through.

I give my self 2 weeks to get over it. I think I'll need to prolong it.
Like I said, this is the best thing ever happen to me.


The image keep haunting me. The deceives, the heartbreaks and the guessing game. And best of all, even this person's face keep haunting me. I dream about the face, over and over again.

Been avoiding everything I can remind of this figure. Almost, everything including the songs I used to love the most. During my darkest period, I repeated GD's song over and over. I don't listen to them anymore, not even Bigbang. 

A dear friend told me I should thinking of Bigbang when I'm not happy. I wanted to say, Bigbang hurts me now. I don't listen to them anymore, not even when I accidentally listen to the radio.

I used to be so excited when I hear them on radio last time. But I won't behave like this in front of you, because I know you don't like me being a bimbo, listen to noisy brainless Korean songs. I'll contain myself, try not to sing along.

I normally will sing out loud in my car driving alone, feel damn excited when listen to their song in the radio. Or I just turn my iPod on and start singing and shaking along.

I though you don't like people behave like this. Probably you just  don't like particular person behave like this.

I have de-listed my interest, probably I should de-list everyone related.


I tried, not to bring my confident down. But I can't feel myself anymore. Ego have brought us here today. My accidental ego and my natural born fierce face. I didn't know people are fearful for me. I though you will defend me. Had too much confident on myself last time.

Everything I do I don't think is good enough. Work- Proposals, my daily routine, the job updates, the people approach. All half pile.

Confident level zero, maybe negative.

I don't like to look at mirror anymore, especially the mirror in the room of pain. 

I hunch back even more serious now. I can't look up straight and walk proudly.

My legs feels uncomfortable wearing heels, because I don't feel pretty wearing them.

I just not into shopping at the moment now, at least not like how i used to.

However I need to shop, I need to refurbish my wardrobe, and bag, and purse. Bleach them all to a new start.

People are weird. It's few months of change versus few years of maintenance to the conenction.
It's alright not to try harder. I totally understand.


Again, this could be the best thing happen in my life, ever.

Now, I just need to face the persons who are loving me dearly, put up a forceful big smile and tell them : I'M OK. NO BIG DEAL.

At least I think I did a great job today. 

  

Break down

Not sure why I broke down again yesterday. I though I was ok, was fine the whole day.
Until I did a stupid mistake and an argument-look-alike conversation arouse.


Had a few words with Calvin, my all time talk-cock buddy. Didn't really talk much, mostly just fei hua...and I kinda like the fei hua conversation. Numb of mentioning my issue again, I shouldn't spread the negativity around. This is unfair for the rest.


My eyes was so painful yesterday, and after so much crying, I look into the mirror and I can barely open my eyes. I look so so horrible that I looked like someone who just did plastic surgery, the before recover face.

My eye lid wasn't in place all the time, and after swollen it looks worst. I have thicker than ever eye lid, and it never goes back to how it used to. I can basically see 2 thick fat stick on my eyes, and it make my eyes look smaller.

My face...don't know what happen to my face. It is swollen all the time, ALL THE TIME. I think there's percentage of fats, but it look bigger than usual face.

I also encounter pimples/ small growing all over my body. Chest, back, stomach... I never had so much problem on my body, ever.

I have no mood at all to do mask. The mask you given me is still there. It reminds me of us doing mask together. And you snores not long after.


Everything on me, is not right.


I feel ugly, looks ugly, everything on me are not on the right place.

You mentioned about your family today...ah..I miss them.
Believe it or not, I even miss church.

Been going to church religiously for more than 2 years. Although from time to time we skipped, but I don't dislike church, I like it actually. Ever since we moved in , we went to church only once.

Christmas is near. Reminds me of each year Christmas Eve, we will spend time with friends after church service. I guess my Christmas this year will be quite sucky.

I realize I don't treat your family as yours'. They are part of my family. I treated your brother sisters like my own brother sister. Your parents as my parents.

I miss them when I don't get to see them.

All these things I didn't foresee it'll hurt, but it does.


I'll repeat this everyday: This is the best thing happen to me. Best thing ever.


I'm gonna be so damn fine today. Gonna be super awesome tomorrow, and fucking happy the day after.

God, if you exist, please give me strength to move on. Please let me feel less bitter everyday, and let me realize how happy being alone can be.

Thanks for pampering me again and again. I have never see so much patience in you before, I guess you changed, but it's not for me anymore.

I'll be OK and strong enought to survive on my own. I definitely can. I will tattoo this to myself. 

心如止水

要做到如题一般，真要清心寡欲，无欲无求，除非你经历了世间沧桑，万念俱灰。
不简单的学问哪。

其实原来全部心碎的人心情都是一样的。复原就很不同了。

有人拖拖拉拉很久， 要到撕破脸皮才肯罢休，互相造成伤害。
有人干脆利落，很快就投入新感情。这杆人等通常都把后路铺好了，才分开的。
有人独自伤心，久久不能自己。感情空窗多年。 不是没有追求者，只因为还留恋旧物，对新物视若无睹。或已经害怕感情了。

有人一哭二闹三上吊。这等人最不可取。试想留住了那人的身，也只是一个躯壳。何必一再伤害自己呢。
有人可以装没事，什么东西都自己吞。伤心开心自己吞。当他找到能说话的对象，就会大吐苦水。

更有一种人，爱转牛角尖，怎么都想不同，眼睛被蒙蔽了。怎么办？
当大家都厌烦这种人，就只好自生自灭了。

很多人对另一个人非常有兴趣的时候，就会尝试闯入这个人的心房。

就好像一道道的门。 开一点点，不让你进来，你会心痒难耐，觉得门的另一边世界大不同，另一边一定是个美景。 

就让你看一点点，你就会朝思暮想。

不开嘛，多撞那门，一就撞开了，一目了然; 再者撞不了的铁门，碰钉子收场。

有的人做人坦荡荡。你要进来嘛？好啊，进来啊，尽管看看对不对胃口。没有神秘，没有扭捏。 当然没有什么刺激和可笑的朝思暮想。

 

不对胃口？ 对不起， 你可以离开， 可是你进来了就把景色扭曲了，永远不会是原来的心了。伤了的心就笑笑说，不是我的错，是你敲错了门。

要说坦荡荡嘛，应该说天真比较正确。 天真的以为每个进来的都是圣诞老人，给你派糖果。

天真的人看不见巫婆，可以进来大肆破坏，再拍拍屁股走人。

说了那么多废话，都不知道想要表达什么。乱。

Off the ground

Out of sight, Out of mind.

Been more than 2 weeks now, the wound is still fresh, unheal and cut open.
I didn't know this is so hard, keep telling myself, this could be the best thing happen to me.
But how do I stop caring, anticipating, thinking back what are the loop holes and figure a way to fill them holes? Although all these are useless effort, just can't keep myself out of all these thinking.

Suddenly I realize I spent my time watching your back the most. Most of the time if I watch you sleep, I will see your back, and I will give you a gentle rub so you can sleep soundly.
And whenever I give you a squeeze, you will turn your back on me and I will squeeze gently.


Today I'm a bit emotional. Probably I realize I still can't sleep alone, probably just can't sleep there, in that room of pain.

I hear your snores standing outside of the room, so soundly. Why can't I do the same?
No trace of myself at all...clean cut.

Trying to watch drama yesterday night, trying to get rid of the irregular fast heart beat in the room. I watch for 10 minutes and I give up.

Irregular heart beat still remains, with noisy fan and empty soul.

Coughing hysterically. again, in my sleep. I teared, and cough, teared again. Trying to reach out of my bed to get water but the house is too big to walk around. I want to stay in one corner, and hug myself.

Get over, get over. This could be the best thing happen to me. To get out of unnecessary effort and overflowing care.


A good friend told me, men doesn't want a mommy as gf. I don't do mommy anymore.

Thanks for the surprised postcard. If this postcard arrive few months earlier, I will have a butterfly flying in my stomach. I still feel happy, but I know I'm never be the unique one for you anymore.