Friday, November 30, 2012


There's always a boundary, I know about that. Sometimes when the boundary fact hit me, I will be defeated, and hide away in my non-exist secure base.

Soon, when it hit me few more times, I will get use to it.

Some of the things we need to bear the consequence. If you take something, you will expect to pay back in some manner. If you let go something, you will need to let go the things bound together.

How much one wish, you can't have all the best things in the world, without losing anything.

I'll get over it.

This could be the best thing happen to me, Ever!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


闲得肩膀都痛了。自己替自己捶捶背, 嘿咻。


生日礼物买了吗? 我连买生日礼物给你家人的理由都没有了。

到现在还是很好奇,感情怎么可以像开关一样,一关就没有了? 什么都不剩了?







昨天自言自语一番, 就了无生趣地坐在床上,我很不喜欢的床上。

I was chatting with a friend on a 2 hours jam yesterday. She tried to interest me with movies, variety shows, songs, outings, social...I told her..

I lost interest in everything now, not even shopping, music, songs, movies I used to love.
Best thing is I'm phobia to Korean stuff. 

It's kinda kua zheong I know, but only when it hit me only I knew the impact is so big.
Now I start to pick up some of the 'interest'...tried watching anime which is brainless and supposedly hilarious, I can't continue for long as well.

Tried to have conversations, but I can't start. Probably minimizing it will help.


The same scenery, different feeling, different people.

It'll be the rainbow after the storm. I'll wait for you rainbow.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Buck up

Reinforcement: This is the best thing happen to your life.

Yesterday a dear friend tell me, stop weighing what have you done. Right on the spot actually.
It hurts, it still does. Knowing that the future I've been secretly fantasize are all without me now, it hurts.

My emo level is going to burst today, I guess should be the monthly good sister's fault. I'm feeling physically and mentally unfit for anything, work, social...but I have to carry on.

Buck up buck up! This is the best thing happen to you!

对。话, 对话

Probably we used to know about each other too well, and too much. Now every normal thing came out from my mouth sounds vicious to you. But really, thanks for letting me know. I can only be more careful when I know the border line, it would be a big favor if there's a dos and donts.



原来那么正常的担心和问候,会让你觉得那么不自在. 伤了。
爆发出来的是发烧和胃绞痛。 一个人躲在被子里痛苦呻吟。

谢谢你的扶持, 我很珍惜。
我一向都觉得你可以的,只要你又自信能做好, 就一定能做好。 就好像你的工作一样,记得那天你打算拒绝这份工作吗? 后来有信心了,还不是做得那么出色。

Woke up lots of times during middle of the night. Many many times.
What I used to like the most is to wake up earlier than you, and turn around look at your deep sleep face. Although 9 out of 10 you will have your back facing me. I will sit at the bed side and look at your face. 'Morning', I said.

Simple things like this, you never knew how beautiful it is to have someone reply you.

I won't cry over spilled milk anymore, it's worthless. I realize bitterness have become part of me now. 24 hours, whenever I am conscious, I felt bitter. 

But it's ok you know, bitter make me stronger.
You told me that I'm bossy and ego, I don't need nobody. Now only I understand, I actually pick up something from this relationship, called 'dependance'.

I do need somebody, from time to time I do need somebody, physical and mentally there for me.
No need to do anything specific, just be there to company.

I'm not that independent like how I used to be. I'm afraid of the dark, helpless when anything in the house goes wrong, freak out when anything happen to my car, afraid to go out and wash my car alone, don't dare to drive my car out of my range, afraid to go to the nearest neighborhood because there's so much crime cases, I even can't spend a night in the room of pain, can't watch TV on my own, don't mention a free time, weekend or holiday without you in my planning. I do pick up dependance without my notice.

But it's ok, this is the best thing happen to me, of course picking back up independent will be good to me too. Although it takes time, to overcome, but I will. I know.

I found back one dream, finally. Starting to realize it, and hope for the best. Another dream is to fill the house with love, to feel like a home, not an empty shell.

I'll live my life, using my adaptation. I hope it take shorter time, however I know this time is not normal sickness, is a cancer which takes time to cure. Taking baby steps now, although I fell sometimes, stand up and try again. Try harder if you may, cry once in a while, but try and walk further.

'Just because it burns, doesn't mean you gotta die.' I know.
'You gotta get up and Try.' Yes.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Get up and Try. no more

It reaches limit I know, and I'm limitless?

Today is the day I promised myself, to walk over the dead bodies and find new aims.
Though of some contingency plans to stop myself from thinking, hope they works.

TV seems to be the most boring object in my house, I wonder I should just terminate the subscriptions, it's purpose-less now. Other than expired Outsourced and Super Funny Show.

I missed them, so much, my dear parents.
No one in the world can beat their love to me. Looking into my Mom's eyes, I know she feel for me, but she's so understanding didn't ask me much. Just give me support I need and the home cook food I missed the most.

This is a crazy world isn't it. For some reason, I do believe in the doomsday, and I can feel that it's near.

Pardon me for some accidental crazy statement. If my concerns are too overwhelmed.
People do fall out of love, some can do it easily, some can't. I take time, but I'll definitely get over.

20 days ago in the room of pain, you've decided to put everything on haul, I know there's no way back. I'll buck up and get a new life. Fall out of love, learn to love myself, walk straight with long lost pride and confident. I can do it.

Sickness and sorrows attacking me. Holding on for so long, finally I fell sick.
I knew it's brewing inside my body, when it explodes, everything attacking me so strong. I feel vulnerable and helpless.

Didn't manage to sleep while you're away. After taking pills yesterday, manage to get some sleep, when you're home. Maybe subconsciously some habit can't being erased just with a snap. The insecurities without you is still affecting me. Again, I will get over it.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Best thing ever

Had so much thoughts running in my mind today. I can't remember most of them now, too messy.

Today is the day I planned for quite some time, to spend a decent family outing. Things turn out to be something different, a bit more bitter feeling. I know it's the pain I have to go through.

I give my self 2 weeks to get over it. I think I'll need to prolong it.
Like I said, this is the best thing ever happen to me.

The image keep haunting me. The deceives, the heartbreaks and the guessing game. And best of all, even this person's face keep haunting me. I dream about the face, over and over again.

Been avoiding everything I can remind of this figure. Almost, everything including the songs I used to love the most. During my darkest period, I repeated GD's song over and over. I don't listen to them anymore, not even Bigbang. 

A dear friend told me I should thinking of Bigbang when I'm not happy. I wanted to say, Bigbang hurts me now. I don't listen to them anymore, not even when I accidentally listen to the radio.

I used to be so excited when I hear them on radio last time. But I won't behave like this in front of you, because I know you don't like me being a bimbo, listen to noisy brainless Korean songs. I'll contain myself, try not to sing along.

I normally will sing out loud in my car driving alone, feel damn excited when listen to their song in the radio. Or I just turn my iPod on and start singing and shaking along.

I though you don't like people behave like this. Probably you just  don't like particular person behave like this.

I have de-listed my interest, probably I should de-list everyone related.

I tried, not to bring my confident down. But I can't feel myself anymore. Ego have brought us here today. My accidental ego and my natural born fierce face. I didn't know people are fearful for me. I though you will defend me. Had too much confident on myself last time.

Everything I do I don't think is good enough. Work- Proposals, my daily routine, the job updates, the people approach. All half pile.

Confident level zero, maybe negative.

I don't like to look at mirror anymore, especially the mirror in the room of pain. 

I hunch back even more serious now. I can't look up straight and walk proudly.

My legs feels uncomfortable wearing heels, because I don't feel pretty wearing them.

I just not into shopping at the moment now, at least not like how i used to.

However I need to shop, I need to refurbish my wardrobe, and bag, and purse. Bleach them all to a new start.

People are weird. It's few months of change versus few years of maintenance to the conenction.
It's alright not to try harder. I totally understand.

Again, this could be the best thing happen in my life, ever.

Now, I just need to face the persons who are loving me dearly, put up a forceful big smile and tell them : I'M OK. NO BIG DEAL.

At least I think I did a great job today. 


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Break down

Not sure why I broke down again yesterday. I though I was ok, was fine the whole day.
Until I did a stupid mistake and an argument-look-alike conversation arouse.

Had a few words with Calvin, my all time talk-cock buddy. Didn't really talk much, mostly just fei hua...and I kinda like the fei hua conversation. Numb of mentioning my issue again, I shouldn't spread the negativity around. This is unfair for the rest.

My eyes was so painful yesterday, and after so much crying, I look into the mirror and I can barely open my eyes. I look so so horrible that I looked like someone who just did plastic surgery, the before recover face.

My eye lid wasn't in place all the time, and after swollen it looks worst. I have thicker than ever eye lid, and it never goes back to how it used to. I can basically see 2 thick fat stick on my eyes, and it make my eyes look smaller.

My face...don't know what happen to my face. It is swollen all the time, ALL THE TIME. I think there's percentage of fats, but it look bigger than usual face.

I also encounter pimples/ small growing all over my body. Chest, back, stomach... I never had so much problem on my body, ever.

I have no mood at all to do mask. The mask you given me is still there. It reminds me of us doing mask together. And you snores not long after.

Everything on me, is not right.

I feel ugly, looks ugly, everything on me are not on the right place.

You mentioned about your family today...ah..I miss them.
Believe it or not, I even miss church.

Been going to church religiously for more than 2 years. Although from time to time we skipped, but I don't dislike church, I like it actually. Ever since we moved in , we went to church only once.

Christmas is near. Reminds me of each year Christmas Eve, we will spend time with friends after church service. I guess my Christmas this year will be quite sucky.

I realize I don't treat your family as yours'. They are part of my family. I treated your brother sisters like my own brother sister. Your parents as my parents.

I miss them when I don't get to see them.

All these things I didn't foresee it'll hurt, but it does.

I'll repeat this everyday: This is the best thing happen to me. Best thing ever.

I'm gonna be so damn fine today. Gonna be super awesome tomorrow, and fucking happy the day after.

God, if you exist, please give me strength to move on. Please let me feel less bitter everyday, and let me realize how happy being alone can be.

Thanks for pampering me again and again. I have never see so much patience in you before, I guess you changed, but it's not for me anymore.

I'll be OK and strong enought to survive on my own. I definitely can. I will tattoo this to myself. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012




有人拖拖拉拉很久, 要到撕破脸皮才肯罢休,互相造成伤害。
有人独自伤心,久久不能自己。感情空窗多年。 不是没有追求者,只因为还留恋旧物,对新物视若无睹。或已经害怕感情了。




就好像一道道的门。 开一点点,不让你进来,你会心痒难耐,觉得门的另一边世界大不同,另一边一定是个美景。 


不开嘛,多撞那门,一就撞开了,一目了然; 再者撞不了的铁门,碰钉子收场。

有的人做人坦荡荡。你要进来嘛?好啊,进来啊,尽管看看对不对胃口。没有神秘,没有扭捏。 当然没有什么刺激和可笑的朝思暮想。
不对胃口? 对不起, 你可以离开, 可是你进来了就把景色扭曲了,永远不会是原来的心了。伤了的心就笑笑说,不是我的错,是你敲错了门。

要说坦荡荡嘛,应该说天真比较正确。 天真的以为每个进来的都是圣诞老人,给你派糖果。


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Off the ground

Out of sight, Out of mind.

Been more than 2 weeks now, the wound is still fresh, unheal and cut open.
I didn't know this is so hard, keep telling myself, this could be the best thing happen to me.
But how do I stop caring, anticipating, thinking back what are the loop holes and figure a way to fill them holes? Although all these are useless effort, just can't keep myself out of all these thinking.

Suddenly I realize I spent my time watching your back the most. Most of the time if I watch you sleep, I will see your back, and I will give you a gentle rub so you can sleep soundly.
And whenever I give you a squeeze, you will turn your back on me and I will squeeze gently.

Today I'm a bit emotional. Probably I realize I still can't sleep alone, probably just can't sleep there, in that room of pain.

I hear your snores standing outside of the room, so soundly. Why can't I do the same?
No trace of myself at all...clean cut.

Trying to watch drama yesterday night, trying to get rid of the irregular fast heart beat in the room. I watch for 10 minutes and I give up.

Irregular heart beat still remains, with noisy fan and empty soul.

Coughing hysterically. again, in my sleep. I teared, and cough, teared again. Trying to reach out of my bed to get water but the house is too big to walk around. I want to stay in one corner, and hug myself.

Get over, get over. This could be the best thing happen to me. To get out of unnecessary effort and overflowing care.

A good friend told me, men doesn't want a mommy as gf. I don't do mommy anymore.

Thanks for the surprised postcard. If this postcard arrive few months earlier, I will have a butterfly flying in my stomach. I still feel happy, but I know I'm never be the unique one for you anymore.

Monday, November 19, 2012



You know clearly, there's nothing left.
The road of pain is the only way out, the only solution to rise from the dark.

It's been very long time I haven't sleep so soundly, event though I woke up a few times to cover myself with blanket.

I can dream even, dream of something funny and I can't remembered.
Alarm clock rang timely at 6.15am.

Reluctantly I woke up, and snooze my alarm. For 1 good hour...keep snoozing.

Turn my body around and do my usual routine, a soft rub at the back, and start massaging. So normal and intuitive. Follow by a soft groan..and I'm all awake.

Had coffee, usual half a cup of coffee to cut down my addiction. Made another full cup for you.
Made toast with frozen bread. Open up the freezer and realize everything there is for you. The bun, the bread, the icecream, and even the ice, for liquor.

Everything will be better, and better.
Will eliminate myself from your future, and vise versa.

Last time I don't believe in being friend after break up, but now I do hope we still can be, you're the most important person in my life, at least you still do. At least before you found someone else.

There's too much memories we shared, and too many places we spent our time at. Especially on Sunny Sunday after noon, just lying on the bed doing nothing, is a bliss.

This could be the best thing happened to me, I'll take this as my life lesson, and carry on with this boring life.

Sunday, November 18, 2012


There's a lot of things I wish to just wipe it off, like it never happened in my life before.

The angst, the disappointment, the negativity, the darkest period.

However I do need all these to keep me awake. Sweetness can't overcome all these, if not I will not learn to give up.

Things can't just stopped, we took 4 years to grow the trees, it takes time to kill too.

Those tiny little things happening around, reminds me of how vital you are.

If you notice, the chat list in your FB are always the people you watch out the most. There you go, your name is there at the top.

Subconsciously, I took Oreo and Sneakers for your snacks. I did promised myself I won't do that again, but it just happen naturally. Only when I realize, I did it again. Oops.

Whenever I walk passed Famous Amos, I will stop for a while, and keep walking. No more reason for me to buy cookies. Things just happen.

When I checked through my phone, I will open up your message, and pick a few to read. Can't make sense of my action, but that's habit.

I said you were nearly my recognize partner for life. You said I'm already was.

I'm gonna hold myself and love the person you once loved. 

Had a most carefree trip last few days. Basically just eat, sleep and walk. We don't share stories much, no argument (almost), just both of us.

This remind me of our times in UK, in EU... in the places we leave our footprints.

First time in my life, sitting at the beach with you. Resting, thinking about the past and blurry future.

First time in my  life, holding your hands, walking to a breathtaking scenery of sunset. Just both of us. Things made whole lot easier when there's just 2 person isn't it?

Having breakfast together seems like the most natural and comfortable thing to do. One of the reason I like having breakfast with you is the satisfaction on your face after the meal. A good breakfast normally kick start a great day. Like how you used to come all the way to my place to have McD.

We walk, share drinks, share food, massage, watch football, beers and good food... life is great, even better with you.
No need to be afraid. I know it before we start our journey, that this will be the end of everything.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Hole inside

I realize minus everything, there's only left a hole inside.

Listen, there's really nothing much I can do here. I'm working very hard to rethink my life, how am I going to deal with so much free space and empty clock ticking. But in front of me there's no light, just blurry visual with old montage, useless thinking.

Don't ask me why I have to do this, why I have to record all the heart breaks. It's for me, myself and my realm, to swallow the pain.
Sometimes people deal with issues differently. Some will run to friends, some to family. For me...I just want to sit here, looking at people walk pass me, like a corpse. Silently, lifeless and left just me.

After all the laughter, smiles and talking crap, there's just a hole inside. The one hole which hide all the negativity. But only these negativity told me that I'm still alive, I have to move upwards for some reason, some reason I do not know.

The movie we watched so many times, the scene I love the most is the chanting, and Dark knight's numerous attempt to climb out from the hell. He come, he conquer and he rise.

Maybe that's the way it is. People will rise from the darkest place, most hollow moment.

I stopped reading my book 'The Wish' for some obvious reason. The first chapter, the author requires the reader to remember the true joy of your life, the pure happiness and true joy. Only that, reader can carry on with the later content.

3 months ago...I felt nothing. No feeling, no joy.
2 months ago...still feeling nothing but sorrow.
1 month ago...fxck joy.

From time to time I keep wanting to remind myself, the true joy I used to have. I can't even remember one, one which cannot overshadow by the sorrow.

Warm tears and irregular heartbeats at night reminds me of the reality. I screamed, yesterday from a short afternoon nap. How pathetic, in my house, my room, on my bed. I felt like lying down on a freaking huge bed of needle.

I will rise. I will.

Monday, November 12, 2012




最近几个cheeserland的好姐妹都相约结婚了。 她本人竟然和在日本的男朋友几个月后求婚,结婚。一切都那么的不真实。

变成了博客模特, 半个名人。
身边都围绕着浓浓的幸福感,快要把身边的人都比下去了。 真夸张。

花猴是我看了不久的博客。 老公温柔体贴,默默支持她的事业,为了他最爱的老婆,一手把相机都摸个透,拍出专业的博客网拍。


这些人是怎么做到的? 分一点幸福给我好吗?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Bitter heart

Bitter heart~ bitter heart~

Stop hurting yourself can you now? Just stop hurting yourself.

Sometimes you have to be amazed , how fast the heart can sank to the bottom of the coffee, and dissolve by itself.

Friday, November 9, 2012


Now here we are.
House mate and companion.

There you go, a perfect scenario now. And now, imma slowly lick my own wound, and try to find back the joy I used to have.

Thanks for the TLC.

Full stop

I thought it was a pause. You try to clarify that it's a stop.
You are afraid. And I do frighten.

So it's a full stop now.

No more pressure, no more unsolved problem, no more ideologies which seems to be funny when one another can't understand, no more responsibilities.

Nothing left.

This would be the best for you, I will respect you. Furthermore, I can never reject you.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Deep inside

Had some emotional tough time yesterday, and I can see the cycle is approaching me again.
Day seems pretty normal for me, probably I'm still in some form of denial, or still in shock?

I sincerely agree we should put a pause, or a stop to our connection. But when rational vs emotion, sometimes emotion wins. When emotions win, all my rational will just flush in the toilet.

Seriously, don't know why I just don't feel like talking about this to anyone. Probably I just want to lock myself into my own realm, and collect back all the memories we had.

I realize is very natural to take care of you, and be nice to you. My hand will just reach out for you when you're not feeling well. But I've been doing that for so long, did I troubled you with my care?

Sometimes I do want some care as well, although it's meaningless to say such thing. I want to be tough, but there's always a soft spot inside, I just need a tap on my back, needless to tell me what you're thinking, but just a care I need timely.

I'm embracing every moment we shared, I think we are most comfortable in this way. Finally I felt a bit of relief in you, not the tension way of talking, not doing things for the sake of pleasing me. Please, let make our effort worth. I would really love you to be happy.

Well, we don't live life long, I'll start to treat myself better. And better. Slowly, I'll find myself in the center, not everyone else. Anyone can teach me how to treat myself better? To start with?


Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A U-turn

One U-turn yesterday morning, have changed my life.

Probably this is what I can foresee already, not a happy ending, but is a best ending.

All of sudden, everything surround me have become meaningless. My world shattered into pieces, and I'm trying to figure out which are the original pieces. Probably the original pieces are long gone, they are never exist. I mold myself to other people's life, be it friends, family or lover.

Finally, on the last day, on the bed we shared dreams and tears, I know how you feel for 4 damn years. We never been this frank and clean to each other, I glad we did, once.

The pinching pain still lingers, my eyes are sore, heart bleeding and mind fucked.
But I feel alive, everything I hold on for so long, suddenly they are not matter to me anymore, her existence doesn't matter to me anymore, and I have no right to question now.

If I knew this is happening so soon, I really wish I asked for a tangible object for our big 4, not a bitter-sweet experience. But thanks for that, I really did enjoyed for the 2 hours.

Thank you for the memories.

Monday, November 5, 2012

A chance

Gonna put myself back together, in one.

Great people been telling me stories, encouragement and good advice, as a human being. They been through life, and I am just seeing one small corner of the sky, didn't notice there's a lot more out there. Morale of all stories tell us we have to follow the wise one. So I shall.

Been having a really really bad cough since 2-3 months back. The situation is on and off, and recently the condition is worsen.

I can wake up from sleep coughing, the next thing I know I'll tear all over my face because of the cough. Last night I even have a vomit sensation coughing, I can feel the beer I had last night went up to my throat, and I pushed them all down because I don't want to wipe my puke.

I always though I'm tough, but deep inside I'm vulnerable, just like the cough. It attacked me in the night, when I'm harmless, armless and fragile. The coughing sensation will strike through me. Next thing I know is bad cough and tearing. For that split second, I wish there's a thick , meaty hand to tap on my back, and offer me some warm water or warm hug. Then tug me in to sleep.

Sleeping issue never got better too. I'm extremely tired, but I just can't sleep, a quality sleep. Woke up earlier before my alarm rang. This is so wrong, because I still late for work every freaking day.

Seems like it's gonna rain again now. When will the storm stop?

The connection

This is the song which had warm my heart few years back, been playing nights and days repeatedly.  The warm feeling of his voice and the lyrics, owh so great.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Wheel of Life

Problem is like a merry-go-round now, come and go. It's like adrenaline rush, one moment you feel secure, the next thing you know you'll be shivering in fear.

I want to hold on to something I know I want, I want this to continue, want this to carry on, want a change. But I can't be single-handedly thinking about this.

We must have a mutual vision, and we march towards it.

I really really want to hold on to it... god please help me.

Appreciate the things you have done for me and the house, this is also why I know I want to do this. Shall we? Please?

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Mark the day

Today is the day you gave me flowers, I must mark the day nyek nyek.

Day turn out quite ok, we had some good time dining together, shared some serious topic.
However somehow I think we can't reach a mutual understanding at some point.

It's ok, I'm just 25, I have enough time to learn through the circle of life. 

Just be it, I figured out, you will too some day.

Thanks again for the flower, it really does lighten me up.


Thursday, November 1, 2012


After all night long of sadness and grief, I just feel like escaping from the reality. Back to my home maybe? Where I can enjoy all the love in the world from parents. They are the only ones will not stop loving me.

Each step is becoming harder and harder. Looking back, we walked with a pair of happy and healthy feet, now our feet is become dirty and muddy, it's harder to move even one more step.

I still can't understand, what's the definition of you, and your very good friend, hiding behind you.
Perhaps I can find myself a person like that, who will give me all the love and care in the world, but just ...friend.

It's not wrong for yearning understanding and care from a lovely cutie pie. I would love to if I'm a male object.
Maybe it is just destiny. The cross road is passed.

Old pictures

I don't usually post picture. The other half normally is the enthusiast one who will post whatever to FB, now I kinda appreciate he did that, because that mark my life, at least somewhere in the virtual world, there's my foot print.

Nowadays we don't post much, partly my fault for being so mean to you. But thank you for tagging me all along.

In Heidelberg. We climb to the top of the hill and saw the most breath taking scenery in my life. Most memorable sunset ever.

Creative way of taking picture, in Paris outside 凡尔赛宫。I like this picture a lot.

Edinburgh. Didn't notice about this picture before looking back all the pics. Nice shot!
Liverpool dream. walk on!
The annual birthday surprise :) So much love!
The beginning of the dream.
Green green grass. Outside the first Cathedral I 've ever been to. I can remember the surreal moment and the peaceful feeling.
The nerd, the boy, and the big brother.