Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Hole inside

I realize minus everything, there's only left a hole inside.

Listen, there's really nothing much I can do here. I'm working very hard to rethink my life, how am I going to deal with so much free space and empty clock ticking. But in front of me there's no light, just blurry visual with old montage, useless thinking.

Don't ask me why I have to do this, why I have to record all the heart breaks. It's for me, myself and my realm, to swallow the pain.
Sometimes people deal with issues differently. Some will run to friends, some to family. For me...I just want to sit here, looking at people walk pass me, like a corpse. Silently, lifeless and left just me.

After all the laughter, smiles and talking crap, there's just a hole inside. The one hole which hide all the negativity. But only these negativity told me that I'm still alive, I have to move upwards for some reason, some reason I do not know.

The movie we watched so many times, the scene I love the most is the chanting, and Dark knight's numerous attempt to climb out from the hell. He come, he conquer and he rise.

Maybe that's the way it is. People will rise from the darkest place, most hollow moment.

I stopped reading my book 'The Wish' for some obvious reason. The first chapter, the author requires the reader to remember the true joy of your life, the pure happiness and true joy. Only that, reader can carry on with the later content.

3 months ago...I felt nothing. No feeling, no joy.
2 months ago...still feeling nothing but sorrow.
1 month ago...fxck joy.

From time to time I keep wanting to remind myself, the true joy I used to have. I can't even remember one, one which cannot overshadow by the sorrow.

Warm tears and irregular heartbeats at night reminds me of the reality. I screamed, yesterday from a short afternoon nap. How pathetic, in my house, my room, on my bed. I felt like lying down on a freaking huge bed of needle.

I will rise. I will.

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