Monday, January 1, 2018

Twenty 18!

Technically it’s 2 jan now but I think I need to jot down some of my murmur before I forget.

It’s 2018 now! Looking back on 2017, I really live my life and I think there’s no regret. I work super hard, workout regular, taking care of my diet, not loosing weight but it’s ok, there’s room to improve. Not buying as much things as I used to, had an fantastic 30 years old celebration. I guess I’m ok with myself. 

Past few days I’m not in my right mind. I’m feeling very lost.

Since Christmas I guess, I missed the warmth from people, from colleague, from friends. But I kinda had a panic moment when I realize I’m lonely. Just for a short few days I’m lonely and I’m panic. Wtf. 

I started feels like high school. Tried hard but embarrass at myself. 
Flipped through my contact book and random texting people but not feeling better. 

I reflected. If I don’t stop feeling empty, I will never be ok, I will never be contented at what I already have. 

So there goes my first resolution: to treasure those who love me, work less for those who don’t. 

Sometimes when you hold a hand for too long, you will forget that you are holding hands, fingers will feel nothing but numbness. I need to remind myself for whose hand I’m holding, and return with the same affection. 

Another resolution which I made the same last year: to love myself more. 

I don’t remember how long I never buy myself flowers. Ever since I started hanahana, I don’t buy flowers for myself. Flowers became a tool and business. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed very much, just that most of the time I exhausted myself and I don’t stop and smell the flowers. I don’t get to appreciate flowers as much as I used to. 

I hope to achieve more on loving myself emotionally, not material. I want myself to truly have confident, to hold my head high as if I'm wearing a crown and knowing I’m deserve it. I want myself to stop looking for things to fill my shortcomings, but to appreciate things that I already had. I want to be a person who is interesting enough that people want to be around with. 

I want to be an interesting person, a fun person.

Nothing I wish for is easy, but who queue for a flat roller coaster ride? 

Bring it on 2018!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Busy bee

i always complain that I don't have enough time, I'm busy, I'm tired...
I guess that's the best way to fill up myself so I have all my free time occupied. No time to think about non sense, no time to be insecure, no time to feel low self esteem, no time to think about incident that I wish I could do better.

I live so hard, all my life till now. I believe I live hard, so much so when I have freedom to not living so hard, I become soulless like piece of shit. I'll become someone I dislike, someone so empty inside that all I wanna do is just watch tv.

I guess I just have to work on this a little more, to chase away that tiny voice in my brain.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017


I never knew this day will come so soon. Age is just a number, people said.
But to me this thirty it means SOMETHING. Some milestone or  achievement that I have reached.
That explains why am I so insecure last year, coz I don't think I've carve my milestone, and my 20s is up.

I shared an awesome birthday with people whom I love and will continue loving.

Bit first, one thing I wanna do to myself, is to love myself.
That's why I give myself half a day to truly indulge in the thing I like the most--FLOWERS.

Had a great session with the flower guru I like the most. At least this is what I like the most so far.
It's therapeutic, very useful, and nothing is more recharged than inhaling beauty.

I like this pic the most with my team. I feel like a team with the team while I have a team XD

 And there it goes. Flowers marathon! My mom sent me flowers, and that never happened!
I'm so touched that my mom and dad sent me flowers.

 And since I like flowers, they gave me a flower cake. My TXM.

 And then I had the bestest awesomest freakish amazing card EVER. It brought tears to my eyes and it still do now.

 Bf made a A+ effort too! He's 0 in creativity but he is practical, and he feeds me. That's good enough :)

These are the brother and sisters I never had.

 I ...hard.
And it warms my heart all the way to the core.

Am I the luckiest girl in the world~

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Missing home

It's been 2 months or so since I last went home. My mom is quite busy, that's why usually this 3 months of the year I don't go home.

Talked a lot today, like a verbal diarrhea kind of talk.

That 2 hours of comfort, no chest pain, not feeling suffocated, it's good.
I've been having great stress recently, at least that's what I thought. And my body is reacting towards my stress. Emotionally i'm ok, not feeling paranoia or any negative. But my body raise alarm to show me how much stress I'm facing.

Talked so much today that we dissect why am I feeling such a way.
One thing. INSECURITY.

Insecure about job, about future, friend is leaving to another job, about not having someone who I can talk to, insecure about having to change the way it is now, insecure about how small I am actually vs. how confident I am to myself.

It'll go away soon. I just don't like the pain on my chest and having difficulty to breath.


I can't remember the last time I had such verbal diarrhea on a weekday. It's extremely therapeutic and at this point of time, highly necessary.

When I told my friends, I always talk to myself, having conversation to myself. They think I'm something wrong.
In fact I just picture someone in my mind, and I keep talking to that someone. It's clams my uneasiness, as if someone agrees with me.

I'm 29.9999 now, turning 30 in 2 days time.
I'm proud of who I am today, and I'm grateful for not having too many regrets in life. I did most of the things I want to do, some turn out good, some turn out bad.
But add up all the equation, I think what left are still in green.
I'm blessed, thank you life.


My anxiety towards stepping into 30 somehow vanished beginning of the year. I became so horrifying because I think I wasted too much time over nothing. Last year I live my life, I do what I want to do, at least i try, and trying to fulfill my responsibility to myself, to love myself.
I think it helps to clams my nerve, to give myself a break for trying something new.


What's next?

Friday, August 18, 2017

先天 | 后天

最近领悟一些事情。 在脑里很久了,太忙了没写下来。

现在的自己,不是从前的自己。那个先天很自卑,很胖,暴躁,不好动的自己,因为后天的影响, 我已经不是从前的自己。



好比你怎么努力,你都不可能变高,你是黑皮肤也不会应为你努力而变白。顶多你’延迟’ 变黑而已。





1.背歌词-还是要背我没有感觉,周杰伦的爱在西元前。 有请知道这首歌词有多难的人举手。

2.从弹扬琴,到吹唢呐。 唢呐,就是古人结婚的那个di da。 声音奇大,尤其难吹,堪称最难掌握最难对音准的乐器。 而且练久了,还会耳鸣。我最后还是换回去弹我的琴。

3. 扯铃- 不要怀疑。的确是扯铃。 我还公开表演了好几次扯铃。
4.念书-在心情那么糟糕的环境,人是可以逆境生存的。我把书往死里读,往死里背。 中三的课程,靠死背是没问题的。我最后靠努力考了7A. 我让自己看到原来努力是可以这样的。

中四以后,课程不能用死背了,要理解能力。 我终究怎么努力都没有用。




可是当你接近一个和你频率不一样的人,大家付出的程度不一样,对友情/爱情 的认可程度不一样,就好像狗追自己的尾巴跑。 你也只能追着跑。他就算咬到了,马上就放开了。

我付出200分,我就要等待150 分的回报。





Handsome Ghost- Lion
'We can be the color in black. We can be the lion among the cat, we will be forever fighting back.'

Couldn't agree more.

Monday, July 31, 2017


Face your fear. I said to myself.
Cringe your finger, hold your heart, bite your teeth and endure the uneasiness when you facing your fear.
Face it and everything will be good.

You will reset, reload and restart. You will be a new you and it's gonna be fine.
Maybe at times you want to fall back to your greatest mistake again, but we only have one life, we made mistakes and learn, and we make mistakes again and we gain.

We bounce.

Friday, June 30, 2017

| Shift | Change | Growth |

Recently my brother finally has a gf, and it's amazing to observe my brother.
He used to be lazy bump who can sleep no earlier than noon every weekend without fail. He will skip breakfast and eat like there's no tomorrow for the following meals.

He's now a early bird. Will wait for the gf to wake up from sleep, and he will just wait patiently.

He used to be fat, in fact both of us are always fat kid in the family.

And now, he's barely fat, at most a M size with some decent looking muscle.

He never iron his working attire. Last time.
Now he does.

Nevertheless, all these changes are good. I see improvement in him, and amazed at how universe can change him to be someone I can't possibly imagine.

The power of age? of love? of growth?


I think from time to time I also amazed at my own changes.

I got engaged on April fool this year, in Coldplay concert, the bridge in the song of 'Fix you'.
That's the biggest change. In status.

Other than that, I used to have just flabby arms, gross soft fat tissues all around me. And I can't tolerate them, but do nothing to get rid of them.

Now I have a bit more confident, not because those fats are not there anymore, it's just because I did what I can in my comfortable level to stay healthy and fit.

I still eat happily, still indulge most of the time. But whenever I can, I'll pick up healthy eating and exercise.

I can't say I love exercising now, I still hate it. But the after feeling is good, and guilt free when I indulge. Wrong motive to workout, but...who cares :)

I somehow changed in my attitude in work. I used to care a lot about work. Now I probably care a bit more about life than work.  


The changes happened to us after my engagement is also taken me aback.

I thought everything will be roughly the same, so I thought.

Indeed nothing much changes, but my husband-to-be's initiative on wedding planner amazes me.

We never spend time talking about marriage or wedding, but once he proposed, his 'wedding' mode is fully on. I'm like dating a new guy all over again.


I'm blessed that I see his commitment, with lots of initiative and effort. And I'm glad that MOST of the things we are on the same page. But we haven't even started working on it yet, so can't say for sure.

He still that very mafan boy who will complain about bodyache and itchiness ALL THE TIME, practically handicap when I'm around, but he knew how much I took care of him, and he willing to show appreciation in his own way.

He will not stingy to share his fortune with me. Nothing fancy, just by paying all my meals I feel very blessed. Not that the amount counts, some might be millionair but they won't share their fortune with another half.

He's not rich, but he's willing to share and spend on me.

Maybe that is how couple 'suppose to' behave, especially a 9 years relationship. But there's nothing is 'suppose to' happen, it's all effort and mutual understanding. It takes 2 in any form of relationship to create vibration among people, there's nothing come naturally if you are not playing your part.

No one person is 'suppose to' be there for you, if you do not give the same.
(But if you are sucker this might happen all the time.)


Although nothing much has been planned, but long before this I force my dear friend to serenade to me in my wedding. It's one of my dream to have someone serenading to me, i just use my day that I can have full control to force him to agree.

Talented person but stingy in showing off. Hate it when every time I hear him sing, it's just 1/4 of the song and the rest are gibberish. If you like to have someone ruin your song, call me.

Other than that, I'm asking a few musician to 'chip in' songs for me. It's gonna be fun i think.


I'm 30 this year. I don't feel mid life/ quarter life crisis anymore.

Partly because of my dog, I keep myself busy and have very little time to focus on negativity. She's god sent, she came to me when I'm in a mess, she pick me up from the ground.

I am blessed.