Tuesday, April 30, 2013


When you are a grown person, you need to be responsible with various things.
People who have perseverance and keep trying after failure, are stubborn. It might lead to 2 ways, either you're extremely broke, or success.

Moving on is scary, Ubah is scary, I'm always reluctant to change, feel comfortable easily. You can put that as loyalty, or plain lazy to move out of comfort zone at times.

Stay foolish, stay hungry.
I guess I'm not hungry enough.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Into you

Recently been surrounding with people leaving, moving forward, and stories about their success.
Mixed feelings seriously.

I come across people who start up at the same ground as I am, have surpass all the other peers and reach to the tip now. Have almost everything, earning a decent wages and live happily.

I wonder how much I can push myself to achieve this.

I have dreams, to buy all the things I want previously, without bother about the price.
Unrealistic I know, because the more you earn, the higher your benchmark will be.

But having seen peers manage to do that, makes me wonder, can I do that? Or am I ready for that?

I'm 26 now, not a young age anymore. Remember how I always want to 'grow up', and now I'm grown.

When I was young, I think 18 is grown up adult. But now I'm 26, facing all the stress a grown adult facing.
Tax, bills, assets, properties, income, household support, election (ubah!), career and even...love life!
My timeline is flooded with election news, #2 is new born babies. SO MANY BABIES.
And they are adorable. Imagine gather all these babies, make them as friends, grow up together, going to trip together...pure happiness.


Since I'm not gonna get one, this is to make me happy at least to look at it.

PS: I got bag strike again...oh Burberry oh...

The first time I got introduce with this brand, was 10 years ago.
It's super silly when I got to see my favorite idol is wearing this super awesome suit, and realize it's Burberry.

Lurking around to see the bag price....ok, juz forget about it.
Then went to ebay and start looking for second hand.
After few days of lurking, I GAVE UP.

It must be insane for me to think of having one stupid expensive bag, and not to think about my unsettle bills, management fees, tax, credit card debt, parents' present and etc.

First thing first, settle the management fee plssss, omg been dragging so long!
Next, your beloved parents. Time to get them something decent.

Flying back tomorrow, I CAAAANT WAIT!

Friday, April 19, 2013

One miserable direction

Was really imbalance.

This morning after snoozing my phone for the 34534 times, I woke up and sit on the bed. What the heck am I doing? Why am I so reluctant to get out?

Take my sweet time to shower, prepare breakkie and watch TV. Drinking my coffee...ah...it's time.

Spend more time thinking why I'm doing this to myself?  Do I deserve better?

What can I achieve? What else to look forward to? What is the purpose? Am I any richer than last time?

I miss a lot of people all of sudden, my mind is exhausted, I need a break.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Sleepless night

Rolling on the bed for half an hour, I realize I can't sleep tonight, despite how tired my eyes is.

Not a productive weekend, did nothing basically, but it's ok, less is more.

Here I am, watching black and white movie, trying to put my thoughts together.

All of sudden, I lost all of them.


Weather been great this weekend, in such weather I would have go out and have a walk, shopping or movie, coffee or even church service. But no I didn't, just let myself drown in my own headache, backache and random thoughts.

Spoken to my mom on the phone, more than half and hour chat today.
I realize after telling her all my issues, she's the only one who can understand me fully, and I'm not hesitate to tell her again and again. Because she's my mother.

I accidentally spill out some of my problem yesterday in the car, I wanted to stop, I tried to stop, because whatever I said there's some unknown treat to an unwanted hurtful feeling. I stopped.

Something, it's already shaped and molded. Something I can't do, can't say, can't be the person I am. Because I'm not allow to, because I am 'wrong' to do so. Watch your word, watch your action. Do nothing more.


Some issue with my tax paying pisses me off yesterday. But what can I do? That's one good thing I'm good at, to forgive. Whatever it is, I'm good also at forget.

History shouldn't repeat itself, first few times are forgiven, but not repeated mistake.

Girl, learn, grow up and never look back.

True story

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, a girl who always full of herself, think that she's the toughest girl in the world, fell.

Tumbling from the tip of the ego and pride, the girl left with broken pieces of herself.

Looking back at the moment when this girl fell, the girl have a sour, bitter feeling, and everything still lingers. The girl tried hard to recall how did she felt like years ago, the brave and fearless feeling. Everything changed.

It's a god sent arrangement, and this is the best outcome.

Thank god for this, there's a new chapter of life, at least you know what it is like, and how to handle next time. Thank god.


Chat with a friend recently, he said he have extremely bad temper recently, total changed person.

I shared with him some of my experienced dealing with Medusa and Bitches...
and i realize, my perception changed.

I really felt grateful that someone in heaven arranged these challenges for me, open up my eyes and wake me up from lullaby.

It help me to grow, force me to learn the way to deal with hardship, look at the bright side, ignorance to difficult people, and find a hint of happiness in every challenges.

Went sing K with friends, while waiting for them I found series of W-inds.' songs from the KTV. I felt so warm, and all of sudden, I'm like a little fan girl sitting on the couch with teary eyes.

They are like comfort food, I just can't eat them.

I spent most of my time during secondary school singing their songs, fighting to download their videos with dial up network, spent dollars to buy their CDs, not to mention I never play them because they are too precious. I even put up their posters in my room just to make myself study, worship like a god. Oh, and dream 10 years later I will be in Japan to watch their performance.

My aim was...2011. Which was 2 years ago. Plan phail.

10 anniversary now, and I liked them for 10 years, maybe a little bit lesser, that make it 9.

How many 9 years can we have? I have only have this one time obsession towards something, and spend some crazy time and printing stupid lyrics, with a highlighter in my hand practicing the romanji.

Learn Japanese, start my Jap frenzy, start reading Jap fashion magazines, Jap music.

Still blessed I guess, manage to pick up some poor Japanese, at laest it's conversational Japanese. 

Kinda fated to see them that night, and also Westlife songs after that. Another boy band which took hell lot of my time obsessing about them. But can't beat W-inds still :P

That's how much you should grow girl. Grow and never fall back.

Thursday, April 4, 2013


When you are alone, a lot of things you neglected normally will be magnified.

Small things, like where the broom located, the small stain on the wall, the floor map of the canteen, the people passing by.

I have some alone time today, I stop by cybertorium, where everything starts.
I spent a lot of time to work during my college days. When other people are busy hanging out with peeps, I work. Because I like working.

It became something very comforting, going to work, talking, telling people what happening in the school, bad days, good days I will go to office. Even though not working, I will just be there to help out. I felt needed. Cybertorium is where we had most of our events, my learning ground.

None of us can forget that experience, our first working experience. The ups and downs molded who we are today. It's eyes opening, fun and life changing. If I doesn't have that experience before, I might grow up slower.

I still grateful, for meeting great people. Whenever I'm depressed, I will go to that place to just stand there, look back the olden days. How we used to be so passionate about something, doing things and fight so hard for sales.

6 years past, none of us are the same today. But no one can forget what happened last time, because this is our precious experience.


Reading Giddens' story about his dog PUMA, it makes me feel like keeping a dog, a handsome big dog :)


Searched for Pink's video clips last night. I admire her so much after knowing a little bit about her.
She write amazing songs, and the songs she wrote are not bullshit, not club song with just 2 line singing repeatedly for 3 minutes.

The reason why I felt so much about her songs, probably I just been through heart broken, hardship, and reform. Every words she sang is the exact feeling.

Someone asked me before, why do I have to write down all my unhappiness in the blog? Why I need to remembered all these?

Now Pink's song makes perfect sense. She wrote about her hardship, broken relationship, reunion, feelings about love. She can be rock chick, punk, r&b, country, pop, duet, she is good in everything.
I believe all this life experience inspires her. Write them down is not to make us forget, how you feel and how you deal with it. And also to remind yourself, how much you been through and how far you are today.

It's something worth to remember, to remind yourself experience make you grow, what doens't kill you make you stronger.

One level up

I always quite impressed with myself, how forgetful I can be.

Good and bad, the good thing is I can easily forget about what make me angry, what makes me piss off.

That's why I always write when I'm angry.

Now I've forgotten why am I so pissed on Tuesday =.=

Anyway, I guess is a skill to learn when come to organizing something, and seeking help when helpless.

Feel like I'm a lost boat, floating without any yacht, trying to pull a string over to the coast, but there's no jetty for me.

When everything come at once I will lost my concentration on how to plan, and who to look for.
That resulted a lot of times I'll forget things.

Come back to the same problem, I have so much to do, but can't quantify what are the things I'm doing, or I'm done. They all takes time.

Enough about boring stuff.


It's my dad BIRTHDAY yesterday, called him and he sounds extremely sweet :)
I can imagined his smile is from one end to another.

I had a pre-celebration with him on Saturday night, bought a cake, with family dinner. Bought him a t-shirt and also angpow. Simple as that.

Only sad thing is this is the first time I remember celebrating birthday for my lovely dad. He never home during his birthday. He's always working on his birthday, what we do is buying slice of cake and put in the fridge, wait for him to come back on midnight and eat the cake.

This is the first 'real' birthday he had, on his 61 years old...how sad.

But looking at his happy face satisfied me, he is such a simple person~
A proud daddy who love his family most.

Happy birthday PAPA!