Monday, February 27, 2017
I talked to a friend last week about being alone. 'Have you ever enjoy alone time?'
'Yes, I do enjoy alone time like this, but I hate to be alone, as in alone alone.'
Loneliness is always my weakest spot since donkey years ago.
I hate to be alone with no purpose, I just hate that empty spot in my life where I have only myself.
I feel stressed recently, could be PMS, could be stress, could be the mundane life that I can't break out of it.
So I opened the pandora box.
And truth hurts.
When I thought we're going to the same direction, but the truth is we're not. We are in opposite direction trying to walk parallel.
I pictured myself to be a mother, to have purpose in life. But it all shattered when it's all just in my head.
I'm traumatized inside. It's all happening again, again and again.
I have no one to talk to, no one I want to talk to.
Please someone teach me to be alone again, please tell me it's ok to be alone.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
It's my big 3---0 this year, hence I want this year to be productive, fruitful and happy.
1. To care less about bitches and hypocrites
Some people just don't like to see peace and would like the world to burn. I choose not to get involve and work AROUND these bitches.
You want to get into me, in your dream bitch!
2. To be loved
I heard from an aunt today about working her life all along, for kids, for work, for school. But what she wish for when she's old is to have a peace of mind, to worry less and to enjoy more.
I shall do this from now on, so when I have a kid of my own, I will not regret for living less when I can.
3. Smile more
I think generally I looked better when I smile. I want to look prettier. All I need is a bimbo reason.
Learn to smile in front of people who I don't like, this is like another level up.
4. Sing along song
I wanna get betterrrrrrrr and hopefully someday I can just pick up the guitar and be handsome and charming, and play it like a pro.
5. Fitness goal
My fitness goal is not to achieve a certain weight loss or any shape..
I realize I've been working out, eating cleaner for 3 years now, but honestly weight loss is not happening (much). But I feel better about myself. Fat is lesser, muscle gained more. I do look big still generally, but I feel this kind of big is different from last time. Last time everything is soft, greasy and I get tired swimming 2 laps.
I can swim 12-15 laps now without stopping :)
Now I feel good when I work out, when I feast I feel guilt free. I work out to stay active and keep up the stamina. I feel not sorry when I still picking clothes for M or L size because I know I don't look just 'fat'. I look normal.
Work out has changed me quite a bit. I don't like to sweat still but I think I diciplined myself to do that.
Let's take baby steps and hopefully world can get better :)