Miss having all of you!

 I think I'm blessed, all this while people have been treating me quite well. Friends, colleague and mentor. I think I'm lucky enough to see more good people than bad one. Especially colleague turn friends, which is not easy. People always said in corporate world there's no friends in work place, but I met so many, and constantly stay in touch even tough people come and go along the way. It's truly an amazing feeling to have friends battle hand in hand with you.

 Although time pass, we don't share the same life, common topic become lesser, lesser gathering, more problems, more complications, but it's still a bless feeling for having friends after people parted. Life have ups and downs, sometimes downs are more than ups. Negative feelings drive people away, I too realize this too late. Aura around me is too negative I don't even want to spread this to anyone.
I will keep that in mind, keep the negative part away. Lock away and throw far away.

A good friend asked me after all the venting, 'What do you want to request in this current situation?'
I had a deep thought during the weekend, realize there's nothing I can request, can nothing I can change the fact.

Therefore the best and the only way is to shut up and keep going. As long as you do the right thing, right end result will come to you.

I know one day I will be at where I'm proud of. Maybe not now, maybe not the coming year, but I will be someone I proud of for sure.

Meanwhile, focus on other stuff! Like...losing weight? :P

All over the place

Everything is driving me INSANE. Literally.

I just sit here, looking around, listening around, birds chirping, loud noise here and there.

There's too many disruption, I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to flame myself up. I don't know what is in front of me.

Can I just laugh out loud and just leave everything behind?
---

Hopefully after this I can find back the restart button.

Keep going and be strong

These days it suddenly reminds myself that I should be strong, and keep going strong. I believe in girl power, and believe there's nothing in the world girl can't do.

However after some complications, I learned to tone myself down. Be vulnerable when it's necessary, be weak and dumb when it needed to, be empty when it's to your benefits.

I can't say I'm right, but I think this does tone me down and be less 'fierce'.

But this is a self reminder, I must always improve myself.

---


Life is boring like a still water.
Job is unknown, and now we are playing waiting game, last man standing wins.
I'm not always the last man standing, maybe I should try once.
I'm very anxious in nature, I can't wait and I can't waste time. But this time I'm taking a huge bet, since fate bring me such a way, I shall wait and see.

---

There's always different passerby and different interesting people in my life in different stage.
I'm thankful for knowing all these people, and get to know how unique and interesting every individual are. They make me understand myself, overcome my weakness and know other people better.

Those who stayed longer make me understand you better, those who touch n go I'm still thankful for knowing you. I believe all of the passerby are nice and kind person. Blessed.

---

  

I just discovered Instagram recently, need some outing to fill up my life...

And believe it or not my selfie skill dropped tremendously. I need pretty pictures !!!!!!!

---

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCK: I went for hiking with a bunch of nice people. HIKING omg..the thing I hate on my top 10 list, but I think I don't particular hate it now. Yay achievement unlock!

All the best thing in the world

It's just too hard to get everything in the world.
It's weird that how messy my filing system is, and still people are saying I'm organized.
Trying to claim back my tax repayment balance for the longest time, but still there's missing payslip here and there.

I'm so hate myself for not keeping a proper filing.

Now that my old files are gone, it's almost impossible for me to recover the old files :(

BOO HOO.

And thinking about getting EA form from the previous employer...worries me.

---

On a bright side, I got a surprise present today!
It's a watch!

I always love watch as a gift, that's why I asked for one on my 21st birthday.

Watch represent time, time is the only unit of measurement in the world. Without time, we are nothing. Time proves the moment, moment creates memories.
Time that forms into memories are timeless. That's why I love watch as gift.

Thanks so much. Long live friendship!

Recent updates: Phuket Getaway

Went for a short company getaway while we're under secondment. It's super awesome because it's in Marriott! Who can say no to Marriott!

It's relaxing, fun and full with hot bods all the time.

It's been a long while since I truly unwind and have fun. I guess eventually not all things are negative. After the recharged everything seems a bit better.

I guess life is a waiting game. You never know the better opportunity might appear right in front of you if you wait long enough.

Square one

I never been feeling so stuck before.

It's like when you're listening to song, and your pc is performing blue screen, and the song in fraction keep repeating.

It's annoying isn't it?

I am this stuck. Moving no where, fading away from the old friends.

One failed interview experience ruin everything. Probably the most annoying experience I had so far.
So to cut the story short, I went to an interview which sounds super 150% promising, went through the second round, did a full round office introduction, talked about job scope and details. They asked me not to confirm with anyone. They want me.

AND NOTHING HAPPEN AFTER THAT.

You can call this insult, embarrassment, no reply, drop off, or I'm ego too big.
I am actually.

I'm defeated by this 'silent reply', and you can't imagine how much it hit me.
Not a big tight slap, it's slowly sink in, slowly but killing.

Am I that bad, and I don't deserve a proper reply?

But good thing about it, is that now I know they don't value people, don't value me. It could be a good thing happen to me.

Moving forward, look up and march. Stop thinking negative and hopefully my stucked mind will flush out like toilet bowl.

Time-less

And so, time is ticking.
Time was never an issue for us, when we are still so young, and we thought we will be forever young.

This whole year I've been indulging myself in stubborn decision and wrong move. And there goes my 27 years old. A year I so eager to fly, and yet I'm quiet like a still water.

Just visited a friends' blog few min ago, and I feel only love in between her lines. No cover up, no fancy words, it's just like highschool girl deeply in love. Dare to admit, dare to say LOVE.
It's just so simple.

It's nothing wrong to love madly, or love normally.
I'm definitely took too much time to figured a way to work well with each other. We rely each other on different thing, and I think we manage to find a balance in between. And among those are a lot of patience, adaptation and getting to know all over again.

---

Been quiet lately, and I'm going to have Raya break start form tomorrow.
I can easily think nothing and be like a melon at home tomorrow.

When it's all good

Been abandon here for quite some times, here's the drama recently...

1. The BF was admitted to hospital

It happened one day before his first day of work, had severe abdomen pain.
At first we thought it's just normal stomachache, turn out to be much serious pain after few days of observation.

The stomach is bloated like delivering baby, and it never gone better. No food or water for 4 days, then doctor decided to operate on him. Doctor removed a 1 feet long sausage from his intestine, and appear to be extra intestine since born.

Total fasting of 9 days straight, now slowly recovering with soft solid food. Good improvement and good weight lost.


2. Days in the Better side

Just training...training and more training.
And the fact that not all product is compatible with each other, the training can only take one at a time. Many of the products are conflicting in each others' interest.

Life is quite...peaceful and free...
Which I can only enjoy for a few days. After that is boring and panic.

Panic for stuck in here. And many struggle in ideology, policies and the way it works.
I tried to imagine thousand times, how to mold myself here, but there's so many argument within myself I can't persuade the innerself.
How.


3. Look forward

Something to look forward to on the bright side.
I have 2 trips coming up, Oct to Taiwan with the girls, and Nov with the poor bf.
Hopefully he's all well by that time and can eat whatever he wants.

360 change

Picture is totally irrelevant. The reason I'm putting this is to make myself happier :)
Remark: I'm not particularly sad, just... very disturbed.

To sum up my recent exciting daily activity and my anticipation, is to crawl up in my couch and watch Suit till the night turns too dark.

It's my daily escape, inspiration and also hope.
To be someone like THAT. Someone who wins, who can snap  a finger and things will work out.
It's an inspiration as well to be someone important, a future person, long sighted visionaries.


Well enough of my obsession.

Been working up and down like a busy bee, for a way out.
I realize things happen if only I allow them to happen. I will succeed if I willing to do so.
All these non relevant dramas and ups downs are not going to affect me. These are just my lesson to learn.

#sotheysaid

But ya, what else to do other than think positively?
Opportunities are there, I just grab the wrong one. Now is my pay back time and I'm glad it come early.

I told everyone the same thing, I'm good. I just need someone to certified me.
I once let go of the one and only mentor I had, and now I'm on my own and have to make sure what I gave up is worth the while.

Life is a bitch

You see me here, means something not right happened.

Argh, when I though life is right, on the right path, good job, good colleague, all gear up to save the world, save the cheerleader, they kill the fuxking cheerleader.

And so here am I, going one big round, giving up my mentor, giving up the company I love, for this shit hole. And this shit hole is kinda...HUGE.

Going around hunting and hunting, hopefully not stepping into another shit hole.

Life is not quite kind to me recently, I'll keep my head up and be a stronger person.

Surreal

Today marked my last day tenure here.
Mixed feeling, sad is the majority.

Feeling insecure, feeling sucky, feeling unlucky, feeling trapped, feeling heavy hearted.

Each time I have this tendency to leave a company just before it gotten into its' best shape. And now looking at the new org chart, I know I'm no where near the management level.

Somehow my progress just stuck at somewhere and can't grow. It make me wonder if people like me who have this kind of personality, not fitted for big task?

Self reminder again, I leave to grow, I leave to feel the hardship, I leave to proof myself that I can, not the one who always look down on myself.

I leave for a tougher reality, leave for better learning, better initiative, a new mind.

I will survive even though it's tough, I can do it.

Understanding

I mentioned to this tons of times, the feeling and the complications for my transition.
Everyday I come early to office, which I never do it before for the past 2.5 years.
I come mostly before 9, int he good days I come at 8am. And despite sleepy, I feel good not feeling rush.

And again, it's his teaching and he's always right. Opportunity is for those who come early.

I can't help to ponder, did I missed something really big in my carreer? Did i do the right thing?
Why do I feel so sad all the time, and feel so insecure?
Why do I see all sorts of issues all the time?

It's complicated

Am I gotten over the whole hoo haa resign-break-up syndrome?
Maybe yes, but not completely.

It's really hard to find anyone to understand how I feel, and yet I wanted to vent out so much.  Trust is so hard to come by, and it's so hard to let go.

Now I'm starting from ground zero again and earning people's trust. Please let me know I did the right thing.
Please let me know I'm better, because I don't feel like it.

People who started at the same ground as me, are already someone, doing something important now. What the hell am I doing?

Indulged

Never know how ungrateful I am until today, when the reality hit me hard that I am going to let go probably one of the best person in my life.

I'm always indulged in nurture and mentor, and I always under-appreciate these.

You shape me who I am today, and I thought I can be on my own, and shaping my life. Seems like it's harder than I thought.

The new dimension

I try to avoid blogging about it for weeks, but I think I should remind myself for these feelings.

I decided to change path in my life. Not to many people surprise, I wasn't too happy recently. I looked sad, frowning, bad face complexion, stressed constantly. So when the time is right (which means I can't take it anymore), I decided and no turning back.

I'm afraid  as well, at the same time.
'Never sell yourself low' the boss said.
Even when I decided, he still give me advise like a teacher.

The fact that I made my decision, my decision has affected me in many ways.
most of the time, emotionally.
I didn't imagine I can be so sulky and so regret about my choice.
Before this I can only imagine 2 outcome. I risk my relationship with my mentor, the only way to end this is either he flip, or he'll freeze me from anything else.

Neither of the things he do to me. He treated me extra nice, and everything seems back to last time, when I still enjoyed my work very much.

I try to find one fella who can understand me, but no one.
Maybe my mom can.

My relationship with the boss is very weird, weirdly close and almost like a butler.
I admire him a lot since I was a uni student, he taught me almost everything, and the experience shaped me who I am today. I'm more matured than most of my peers, and from learning I know how to handle people.

I'm still a lizard, too far to become a dragon. But without his teaching I would just stays as a worm.
There's much more than mentorship if you ask me, that's why everything is so hard when I know I will leave him. And the endless conversation and apologetic tone he had, leave me in misery.

 When I first started working, many friends given me many 'warnings'. But on the other side, same thing like I told my colleague, from all the trainings, sharpening and scoldings, do you realize you learned something?

No one knows better than me, how much I learned, how much I suffered but how much I felt grateful for the tests. Each test make me feel stronger, each test gained confident.

It's just a time's up button in me, that I think I need to move on, to find a defined path for myself.

I never fail to believe that in the future, road will cross again. Just like how he told me.

I cherish every long conversation we had, and although it's hard, I'm thankful for not giving up on me.

I wished someone could share my feelings.

Transitions in 10 years

 

I sort of have so much feeling today. OK, not sort of, I think I have many feelings now.

Went to catch up with some old friends today, just a short one. I was shocked that so many of them are going to get married this year or next year. And one of my important friend showed me his proposal video just now.

I'm OVERWHELMED.

Looking back to the days we were in our uniforms, practicing and performing together as an orchestra. That was 10 freaking years ago. 

And now we are no longer talking about work, career and cliche bf.

It's about marriage now and someone's baby.

Soon after that we will see people start bringing babies to join the gang. What a scene!

And I'm glad and also happy to witness this transition. 

On the other hand it makes me realize, this is so surreal.

As if everything happened and I'm not part of it. I think I better be a bystander than in it.

I can visualize myself with many other things but nothing close to that. Showing each other the ring and rocks on the fingers, and discuss about ritual and ceremonies. 

But somehow I guess that's a happy thing to do, to be able to share that precious experience with someone. And get ready and all excited about the big day.

I'm truly happy for those who manage to find their prince charming, and the happiness on their face, is unbelievable. 

 

The year of Horse *Ma*

Here we are, the first year of Lunar New Year, and here I am on my bed, my own bed writing this.

We are not child anymore, we don't anticipate CNY like we used to. 

To me this is a precious holiday, precious break where I can just lay back at home doing nothing, and just savior the sweetness of being lazy.

My dad rarely spend CNY with us since young. He's a long distance bus driver from KUL-SG. Every year without fail, he wouldn't be at home with us to celebrate because it's usually the busiest day of the year.

My mom will take me and my brother to her hometown to sleep over, and celebrate CNY together with my grand parents and great-grandma. We are always excited to stay with the elders, drinking chinese tea, watching TV, or playing fire crackers just to wait until 12am. It's a chinese ritual to stay until mid night on the CNY eve, to wish for the elders' health and longevity. 

Soon after that is my grandpa's worship to 'invite' the god of prosperity to the house. And you will expect lots and lots of fire crackers throughout the entire kampung.

Early morning before the sunrise, my grandparents will be up to start their day. Busy cooking, preparing ingredient for the feast and pray to the ancestor.

My great grandma will always sit at the gate, praying. I can still remember her face, her calm beautiful aged feature with a big smile. 

This is my childhood, the CNY I can remembered.

Nothing resemble the old days now, not only my great grandma is not around anymore, the atmosphere and practices are different. My dad come home to us and celebrate with us now, and we no longer sleep over my grandparents' place to celebrate CNY. Reunion dinner is usually some lousy overpriced restaurant 9 course meal. Somehow, I missed those days, the smell of the village in the morning, the scent of wet soil and the warm sun shine after breakfast.

If I ever have a child in the future, I would let her experience the same CNY as I did last time.

Heard that the fortune for my zodiac this year is really good finally, I shall succeed this year with ambitious and energy, lots and lots of positive energy!

Lastly, may all the people I love happy and healthy always, wishing all of you living in prosper and peace, a joyful and fruitful horse year ahead!

LOVE!

Her

Thanks to a friend who recommended me this movie, this has become one of the most influential movie I ever seen.

The movie is about a lonely man who are sensitive to emotions, and there's no emotions for him in real life to excite him. A new upgraded OS for his devices walked into his life, and he found a perfect puzzle to fill his missing piece.

It's so true, it's so near to us and everyone can see this is coming. Dating with your artificial intelligent. Maybe not dating, but people will heavily dependent on your OS.

I cried next half of the movie non stop, there's so many feelings to digest, and Theodore nailed it precisely, the fear and isolated feelings of a person.

There's one scene he meet out with his ex wife and sign on the divorce paper. His wife hesitate for a while, and then she signed. Everything is coming to an end with their marriage. After that they proceed to lunch, and Theodore update the ex wife about dating with his OS. And you can see how Catherin the ex wife being frustrated at him with his refusal to change even after they parted.

It's not about the argument, is about how helpless people are when deal with argument, argue with the person you once loved, and argue for the one reason because you care. They are for each other still, the wife is still maybe hoping for something, but argument is like a chewing gum underneath your shoe sole. It won't get away.

I cried from that scene onwards. Everything the film describe are so close to us. The joy of feeling not alone. Theodore is still alone technically event hough he's dating with the OS, but he's not lonely.  What is so weird about dating OS, when people can connect easily to things which is non human?

People can treat their pet as their family, their childhood pillow as their friends, why not a OS which always surprise you with human emotions?

In the movie setting, Theodore's job is to write letter. Writing has become so difficult that they need to hire specialist to do it. That shows how distance people are without proper communications.

Feeling lonely or not, the same morning coffee and same before bed scene can be completely different. Because you care, your mind is busy to deal with everything that can please the person you care.

It's heart breaking to develop argument out of care and love, not able to resolve it and not able to talk about it. And it's usually lead to the end when the loop repeats. Everything happened seems wrong, your life will go upside down.

I'm glad that I have higher toleration to try few more times before I give up.

Can you see how miserable he is in the poster, Her? The face of fear and miserable, helpless and lost. A tinge of sadness but you know you will live with it.

It touches the deepest emotions of mine, and many people as well. 'The creator project' even made a documentary out of the feedback from group of people after watching this.

When life give you a lemon, make lemonade!

Therapeutic

It feels like the soul is drying up, being sucked out of every drop of energy I have. So I open up my browser and see my favorite flower to energize myself. Flowers always work, especially nice beautiful flowers.

It feels so bad every morning when i step in the office late. It's not like I wanted to be late, it's just the damn traffic, no matter how early I am, I still late. It sounds much like a excuses, but what can I do?
I should place a bunk bed in the office then.

Keep calm, and keep holding on.

The 80s

We came from the era where boy bands do know how to sing. Their songs are evergreen, look around you, which one of you can't sing along 'As long as you love me' (the Back Street Back version, not the JB version) and 'Swear it again'?

We came from an era where technologies are so precious, it's expensive but enjoyable. It's so expensive that a family can only afford one PC, and families are surrounding that 1 PC and feel good about it.

We came from an era where SMS is not as cheap as calling land line, so we rather talk on the phone for hours.

The 80s most affordable entertainment, is 7pm TVB. Later on is 8pm Korean drama. It's TV where people sit together and laugh together. No online streaming and Youtube.

Video games, game boy, Nintendo, Tamagochi is so precious is our childhood, again you can only afford 1 in a family. We fight for it, cry for it, argue for it, but it's fun.

What about now?

Define, childish

For many people, one simple word can mean a lot of things.

I can show you a heart and tell you I love you.
You can see that is love
You can see that is conspiracy as well
You can see me as opportunist
You can see me as a sadist
You can see that is a fake confession
You can also see that as a worthless piece of shit.

So, why care if your word can be twist and turn?
Just live your life and wait for the one who can see the palm full of love, as genuine LOVE.
Peace people.

Un-parallel

People constantly change.
People come and go.
People react in some unexplainable funny ways.

As I recall the whole day, I felt breathless.
And yet I'm a total sucker for people. Anyone who I dear, I can hardly mad at them for long.

There's isn't anything to be mad at actually. We just live un-parrallel anymore.
When things we do seems childish, communications seems waste of time, we don't live the same life anymore.

Which one thing I can never understand.
Friends are suppose to be genuine, no agenda, concerning, supportive and caring.
There's no 'reason' to be concern, no 'reason' to say Hi, no reason to just request for a pat on the shoulder because you need an encouragement.

I'm trying here, you see, trying to maintain the invisible fine line of friendship.

At the same time, is a mirror to myself.
If someone could see me in this way, probably I'm really a joke.
Meaning I just sounds stupid and worth ignoring.

No one knows how ignoring kills, and ignoring is more hurtful.
My heart totally sank today.
It's all a mistake, stop being a sucker and look dumb and bimbo.

Nights world, tomorrow will be a better day being another passer by people's life.