Monday, December 31, 2012

Cream of the top

It's utter silly, and I'm keep doing the silly things.
I'm afraid, when nothing matters to me anymore, and not even family, I'm afraid.

So what matters to me?

The house is quiet, don't even bother to turn the TV on.
Sitting here, working the whole day and see the sun from day bright to dawn.

Plan changed, such a silly thought, although it's not a 'date' per se.

Eating stone hard poppy seed cake brought by a guest few days back, inedible.
Leaving the funny margarine smell in my mouth.

The kids next door is shouting non stop for more than 15 minutes now, the mother is pissed.


Wrote a sentimental email just now, I teared when I wrote it.
It mean so much to me, more than myself, more than anyone.

But yet, there's only empty shell I can see, it's practically non of my business.


My mom called, she said she wanted to come now, to my house, from Ipoh to celebrate new year with me.
If I'm still the old me, I will feel damn happy.
But deep down I just want to remain as it is tonight.

When you thought you know so much about one, it frightens you that you actually know so little.

It's ok not to be OK at times.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

One goal

We once shared the same goal. And now you manage to achieve it, good work mate!
I don't know if that the same goal we shared, but I do believe in that, one day when we reach there, everything will be different. Mentally and physically.

I waited patiently, but time outrun me.

I still feel grateful, you did share with me the news. Something I waited for so so long.

Now here we are, standing on the same ground, same level, but what left?

 On my way back yesterday from hometown, my brother playing all BB's songs.
I felt a bit better listen together with him, he's the one introduce them to me, I think that's the original feeling that I should have.

It's slightly corrupted now, but it's ok. That mark a page in my life, long after this I will remember I once had this feeling when I listen to them. That keep us alive.


I have my TV on again, to light up the room.

TV seems too noisy.

Tried to find a song to hit on 'replay' mode, hmm....end up still Pink, Blow me...One last kiss.

I remembered I talked to my VN colleague last time, that I might go to VN next year.
He just asked me, when am I going.


Good bye vn beef noodles~ It's fated..that's why the air ticket is always so expensive.
That's why I didn't book it at the first place.
That's why a coincident business trip took place.

I remembered the airticket was booked during the first incident, not long after March.
I have some hesitation that time, I told myself, I shall give myself some buffer time, to decide something so far ahead.

When I decided to book it, the air ticket is ridiculously expensive.

So be the dots connected.

Thailand should be a good start. Live like a man and you never fail.

Stand up straight and look up, the earth is still big, world is not ended, life goes on.

Gold and Diamond boy



Here I am, putting the TV on and just sit here, letting the TV be my company.
These few days I have some roller coaster emotions, talked to a dear friend and immediately feel better, she's awesome.

Rethink back the time we had. Maybe this is how I lead my own relationship to this stage.
Maybe it's normal, maybe it's not, when feelings cool down, and everything become a norm.
Treating each other good is a norm, being there for each other is a norm, be truthful and completely open to each other is a norm.

Sometimes there's too much norm, nothing is un-norm in the end.
When you feed a sugar glider for fruits and sweet treats for all its' life, you can't feed him even something unsweetened. It'll taste bitter to that creature.

When norm is occupying, there's shouldn't be anything out of the norm. It'll lead to some dead end.

I have to admit, I'm not good at dealing with people. I'm not the sweet-girl-next-door who everyone will love at the first sight. I always have the wrong order in treating people.
But one thing it's always ME, when you treat me 1% kindness, I'll repay you in 10%; if you give me something unexpected, I will repay you with all my life.

I'm the 'all out' person. I don't know how to play games, the cornering games.

Everything looks so damn familiar. I am a girl, I kinda know, although I'm not as girly.

Be grateful, for what I have. Even though life given me a lemon, no worries, sour taste good too.

Friday, December 28, 2012


I just back tracked, the last time I was here with the whole family was 6 years back.
6 years...

The most recent one was just this year, with you and the rest of the happy gang.

I don't like the feeling of still thinking about work when I'm here with family, and I can't enjoy much.
And the fact is, something else is so full in my mind, and yet so empty.

6 years ago
Want to reach out to something, but I can never reach. Is not like I worked hard enough I can gain something. Something is beyond reach.

People have been kind to me, but why am I so restless to bother about the rest of the world?

I have some very important issue to think, think think...why am I so occupied by things I 'm not suppose to think anymore?

There's a hole inside, wanting something to filled, which will never come.

Let it be, the pain and the hole is to remind me, I'm still alive, can feel the pain, can see things clearly, can realize very much later this is the best thing happen to me.

Love, why are you so hard to find, and so easy to slip away?

Hello from Cameron Highland!

Whenever my mind is blank, I can't help but flash back all the memories, everything is like a slide show, like a video playback.

We shared quite some fun memories here, including finding elephant middle of the night :)
Triple date with the others, and we had some really good time and good pictures.

My brain is basically filled with useless things like this.

I still can't understand at times, how can one easily change?
We still talked about love not long ago, and now just merely past tense.
How drastic life can be?

Guess love is just something so worthless, that time can divert love so easily.
I used to not believe it in, then you make me believe it, and now I doubted it.

It's a funny world with funny people. Tomato cheeks again in my mind.
I wasn't the right one from the beginning am I?


Thursday, December 27, 2012

Brain Juice

Shouldn't be apple cheek, tomato cheek it is!

Sigh, today has been a rough day.
Didn't had my lunch till 9.30 pm, have some yummy but unhealthy instanto noodle.

My brain is severely damanged, thanks to the boss's goreng session, and I know it's not over yet.
He's sharpen me, and I've been VERY rusted recently.

It's good to polished when I have no more energy and heart to do things. Not to mention passion as well.
'Think, Weisin...I need you to think.'

Well well, I'm so distracted by don't know what, and god knows what..I can't think.
I need to be wide awake anyway, just waiting for the timing. Then another vicious cycle again.

Boss always have a macroscopic view of things. Very mass, the picture is huge. What I can see is a small portion of it. But whenever he lead me, it's like opening doors in that picture, and I tend to see more with guidance.

It's me, need guidance. I can work independently, but I can think very far ahead.
Look at me, things I do are repeating the first quadrant (4 quadrant in the book, 7 Habit of Effective people), the Urgent and Very important things.

Eventually the second Quadrant, which is not urgent, but important stuff are crucial.

He asked me lots of question, I can only answer with my mouth wide open. I'm unprepared.

I can't loose my career anymore, I've lost quite a bit recently. Only not weight.

As much as I want to keep my head up, I can't help myself from overthinking.
Life has been quite good to me, people around are good to me.

Thankful for that, imma have a good life.

Thank YOU.


Sometimes, just rethink in my position. Things I said are not exactly pointless, all you need is a paradigm shift.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Right or Wrong?

Happy Boxing day!
Boxing day= shopping day...but it's irrelevant to me anyway.

Today's topic...Who, and What defines right or wrong?

When things involve emotions/ human..everything will be far more complicated.
We don't get misunderstanding so often last time don't we?

I got confused, a lot of times. When I say something, i have to think twice, whether I'm being too arrogant saying so. When I want to offer to help on something, I might seems to be very lansi.

I did something, or said something seemingly odd to you, it'll look like I did it on purpose.

Maybe I used to ask some random questions, and might offend you or irritate you in some ways.
But think, we used to have random talks like this.

And now I don't know what to talk to anymore.

I guess we had awesome party last night. Looking at your happy face, since when we have had fun like that? I realize our interaction are quite different, priviledge?

I'm grateful for the great people who came last night, it turn out to be a much merry Christmas than I expected.

Grateful for the gift I received, such a bless.

I've been wanting the tumbler for quite sometime, knowing me well, I won't spend that kind of money on a tumbler, and the gourmet instant coffee. Thanks so much.

I had dejavu with Crabtree & Evelyn, been seeing that brand times and times during Xmas, finally I got the hand cream for gift!

Gotten myself a pinky ring as well. Get it ? get it?
Made a wrong gesture turn out to be another misunderstand again, but it's ok, It's fine... I wanted to do that not to victimize myself.

Despite how much I dislike this year, it's coming to an end, and I felt heavyhearted saying goodbye to 2012.
We shall farewell to the bad things happened this year, all the tragedy and sadness, tears and grief. Regrets and wasted effort, most importantly; my first love.

What awaits me, is a new life.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas

I guess there's nothing more suitable than this title. So  first of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sometimes when you are not meant to be doing something, don't do it.
It doesn't suit u at all.

I tried to drink, but only half a normal glass of wine i can take in, and I find world map is across my body.

Dizzy, tired, vomit sensation, worst ever.

Woke up middle of the night after dream of the apple cheek,  saw some happy faces still drinking.

Why can't I be one of these? Loser.

I guess you can only do this when there's no me.

As much as I want to get drunk too, I just can't, I'm useless.


Do you know some people will give you some kind of look, which you think you're the most idiot stupid dumb ass in the world look? Like you're the ugliest person in the planet?

I think I am really a farking dumb ass, and I do feel ugly too. I'm nothing, nothing compare to anyone of you.

More work to do after checking email, tomorrow is my judgement day.

He keep asking me , 'think about it.'

My mind is so occupied I have nothing left for work, how sad it is. My bread and butter, and I can't even do a good / average job for it.

What is going to be my destiny?

All I want for Christmas, is a meaningful life.

Sunday, December 23, 2012


It's Christmas eve today.
I spent the last 4 Christmas eve in the church, showered with Christmas Carrol, blessing, drinking session. Very blissful.

Found back a card you made for me. Some stickers, nice words.

Before your existence, I used to help out my mom to clean the furniture, the annual cleaning. I missed those days a lot, waking up and watch TV, the TV3 Kids club especially.

Amazed by those send in coloring competition, then endless cartoons until noon time.

Help out my mom to move out the furniture, clean, rinse, dry, move back in again.
Exhausted, but clean.

Gonna have small party in my house today, quite excited about it. It's party anyway, I need to hype up myself.

I can foresee I won't be around too often next year onwards, I will appreciate the time I can spend with everyone of you.

I should start loving myself more...starting by giving myself a cheap jewelry as Christmas gift.

Merry Christmas me!


Dream again... you..
Perfect apple cheek, fair, feminine...nothing like me.

If I am a guy, I would want to date a girl like this.
Vulnerable, cute, bubbly, nice laughter, vain, a fine template of a girl, the girl next door.
It's perfect isn't it?

Don't know since when I have lesser dress in my wardrobe. Dress, the simplest way to dress up and become a princess. Maybe I no princess, I'm always the servant, at your service.

Long ago someone called me a princess. The first time I heard this I felt like I'm the only princess in the whole world. Who knows, I have this tiny little dream deep down, to be treated like a princess, living in a candy house, sleeping on a marsh mallow bed, wearing the most feminine dress and wear the best jewelry, like how they portray Disney princesses. 

Long wavy hair, hand glove, blue eyes...with a prince!

I don't get people to call me that much though LOL.

Friday, December 21, 2012


Well, guess the world is not end yet, but I woke up late today, thinking I don't need to work or just stay on the bed and wait for Alien/ Zombies/ Bomb/ Meteor.

Saw this from Leng Yein's FB: Couldn't agree more.
Before u meet the man of your life, u have to live like a man.
Couldn't agree more.
Today, is the day we should all feel grateful. Grateful that I'm breathing, grateful that I can think, can remember, can feel grateful. 
Grateful for the best thing happening now, being single and rethink my life.
Feel grateful for relook into my attitude, my kindness, whether my kindness kills.
Grateful for all the people came across my life. For you who spent so much time in my life. Thank you.
I'm sure I learn something out of the whole event.  I should live for myself ever since. I should treat myself like how I sayang my love.
Sometimes is really me, don't you realize? It's me who causes all the issues.  

Thursday, December 20, 2012


Sometimes life is unexpected, there's unexpected event, unexpected issues, like my resent event, is the least I would expect could happen.

I have so much trust on us, believing that my hard work will pay off, my perseverance will have return one day. However, it happened...and unexpectedly, happened twice in a year. And still, I kept faith in you, after so much hurtful events.

Another unexpected one is the people who will come across your life during your down time, the things they said, the lesson they though you, and the advise from the wise ones.

It's so damn true. Once I asked one of my friend who is from India, she married to the husband through arranged marriage.

'How can you marry a person who you barely know?'
'Most of us get married through arrange marriage have a happy marriage. Take a look at the couples who gotten married after dating for years. How many of them lasted? And how many of them divorced? 

It's so damn true.

(Copied from 丽燕 in FB, all credit goes to her, this is too good not to be shared)


I don't know her much, just met once during an orchestra concert. I knew that she's a very knowledgeable lady, have very deep thoughts, didn't know one fine day her words will touch me.

 She have a strong character, unlike how she look like, obedient and quiet. She have so much courage, and she stand firm on what she think is right. No one can bully her because she's the master of her own will.

I admire that.

I accidentally flipped through the pictures I gotten that day. One day before white valentines day on the first incident.
The picture captured my attention and I can't carry on my work anymore. Everything flashed back in my head, and I can remember the night I spent in my own room, without anyone, alone....and I have to look at the shattered trust I once had. 

Painful? no..
Hurt? was is more like questioning myself, what have I done wrong in the past?

Too confident?
I got the price to pay now, I have no confident now and I don't know whether carrying confident is right, or wrong.

Cocky = Confident = Bossy= Fierce= you are so not lovable.

It's going to end soon, year 2012, the painful yet memorable year.

If tomorrow ever come, I hope I can define myself once again, how am I suppose to behave. 

I already screwed my career, I can't afford to lose anything anymore.


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Been there, done that

I always keep my mouth shut. So I won't spill out needle by accident and poke you right in your ears/ heart/ mind.

Unfortunately I still did, I tried at least.

If I want something, believe in something, I'll do whatever it takes to make it work.
I used this in my homework, assignment, studies, career, buying house. They works, most of the time.
But there's times like how I did badly in LJMU, hardwork is not everything, it is not a guarantee return.

Really, everything in the world, every human being will have an invisible ruler. There's ranking of priority.
If you are not on the top, then forget it. You will never be.

Quick check.
You will have a list of friend in your FB/MSN/ Skype...etc.
The ones always at the top, say...the right hand contact in your FB list, are your ranking. Roughly.
Get it?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


Did you ever have this very funny feeling, keep switching TV channel but found nothing you can watch, and just turn on the TV for companionship? And your mind start to go spinning crazily, and random thoughts came up, stupid ideas, wrong ideas come first, then memories, finally a dash of sorrow.

Did you ever wanted to talk to people so crazily, you start scrolling all the contacts in your app, and sending random message to random people desperately?

Ever feel like doing nothing at all, just want to sit there, waiting to rot together with the chair?

Ever feel like everything around does not matter to you anymore? Including cleanliness, house work, undone work, emails, dinner...worst, family.

Meaningless in everything you do. And feel like a farking dumbass all. the. time.

Saw this from somewhere, 如果你长得很抱歉,那就请你多笑吧。
Like a idiot, like I laugh at every idiotic low class joke every time.

Less fierce now?


Did you ever imagine how your future partner will look like?
I can totally imagined your's, times and times it appeared in my sleep.

I can't imagine mine, someone taller? shorter? fatter? uglier?wealthier? fairer? Asian? Malaysian? Short hair? Bald?

Give me a sign, before end of the world.



因果?报应? 报什么呢?


Don't judge the book by the cover, I misjudged the cover, and even the book.





Monday, December 17, 2012


What would you do, if you know storm is hitting you?

You can see it coming, like dooms day, you know the symptoms. Irregular storms, abnormal weather, climate change. But there's just so little mankind can do.

What about yourself?

I saw storm coming, and few months ago I changed my whatsapp status, 'Time is ticking'.
I knew, I fight, I fought, I tried, I lost, I cried, I move on.

I'm not saying I have the best solution, I did the right thing. Many things I did were wrong, but at least I tried to fix things, before it gone even worse.


Many of us today, don't know what we are fighting for. Me too.

I had my house, and it's not exactly like I'm expected. Colder than I thought.

Look at our previous generation, which one of our seniors make changes regularly? Our last time when we don't have so much technology and people are not as corrupted, things were good.

They can stay in the same job for 10, 20 years and still doing good, raise a whole family without starving. And they don't complain much. Things are meant to be obey, rules are made to follow.

People change now, everything changed.

What you have in your mind?


You are much fearless than you though you are, you dare to make a move like you did.
Again, it's a weighing game. I realize there's no such thing as 'not free', 'no time', 'busy'.
It's how you prioritize things. If you think that work is more important than a date, of course you will go for work.

If you think your family come first, you won't have excuse to skip family dinner and do other things, simple as that.

When people told you 'I'm busy', it's merely because you're not the priority.

If there's so much reasons/ reason you need to stay, you will stay, if that's your priority.

Just random thoughts.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

3 fatal letters

October is my fav month, I mentioned this a lot of times. Because after that will be festive season, like now.

My life is like a roller coaster ever since the day, I step into my quarter life.

Found 3 fatal letters and it changed my life, and change my perception forever towards the opposite sex.

I'm doing fine, recovering.
I tend to forget things easily, including the hurtful moment. Good and bad actually.

Good thing is I can let go things fast. Bad thing is, I will repeat my mistake after forgotten the pain.

Enjoy life, dooms day is coming.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Wide awake

I just realize, I might ruin my career by my recent emotions and downfall.
I expected some conversation but it didn't happen...
What awaits me?

A make good test?

You again

Walking under the rain alone in Orchard, is no fun at all.

I was a bit abnormal yesterday, and when I finally get to sleep. I dream about you and you again. 
Still haunting me, even though I tried to cut down on everything could have reminded me of you.

You were smiling happily, like you always do, in the pictures, with you sweetly. In my damn dream.

I woke up and feeling....awful.

Expected, the slide which I didn't do well, got criticized by the bosses, both of them. 
I know they expected MORE, like much more, like a level up. A standard one, which I suppose to have by NOW.

I'm just not capable enough, my mind seriously not working properly when I tried to do my slides, for few days.

Seeing Christmas deco everywhere, is lonely this time.
The lights are beautiful, the atmosphere is right. But I don't feel anything.
Tried to buy something to cheer myself up, but I only attracted to Liverpool books. Such a loser.

Injured my toes. It hurts and hard to bear.

Love is everywhere, couples are holding hands and kissing.
Families are gathering together to shop for christmas, sales are everywhere for Christmas as well.
Such a blissful season. I appreciate the years we spent. Under the big cross and friends, drinks after service and presents.

View from 70th floor.
I'm starting to learn drinking now. Beer, liquor.
had Gin Tonic at 70th floor Equinox today, in Swissotel.
The view is breath taking, for a moment my world is peaceful, looking at the view.

Perfect place for a romantic hang out :)

The view make up the trip, it's all worth it.

Had some really nice time catching up with the colleagues. I like this quarterly session, I felt like I'm belongs to here, the office which I can proudly say is my company. (Although I don't own a space yet)

Amazing people inspires me, and I do need inspiration now. The business trip is not about fancy hotel and shopping at all, is recharging. I need positive energy, I need to see the passionate faces to reinforce myself, to remind myself why did I love this job so much.

They are truly inspiration, and amazing talent. X-men my boss said, Xmen talent.
Frankly, I don't know my strength yet. He told me he 'kinda' know my strength, and given me an assignment to do.

I don't even 'kinda' am I suppose to utilize my not known strength?

Year 2013 gonna be a good year, because the best thing have happened to me. If 2013 will ever come.

Thursday, December 13, 2012


There's good and bad times, today is the bad day.
After a rough day of traveling, motion sickness, starve, long wait for cab, not-so-great hotel.
I'm tired, and extra lonely.

I've been progressing recently, not to overthink things which I can't change, try to just be who I want to be.

Today...there's too much memories drowning me.

Accidentally scroll to the old messages, the time when you are still courting me, or we were just started, regardless.

So many of them I don't even dare to read them. They are too sweet to be true, my current self is too bitter for this.

One of them said you were proud to have me, we should learn from each other. Well well....
Why are we stopped?

1 month seems so near. I can still see all the pictures in my damn timeline. They are so real, yet so unreal.
I don't even know when does the person in the picture are no longer my buddy, my soul mate, my protector.

Someone asked me yesterday: you really broke up already?
What do you mean by 'really'?

I know, you were saying...' is this a stunt that you pull off to get your man back?'

Sadly, no.

When there's no more love, there's practically nothing left.

What I still have in me, probably is love, or habit, or responsibility, or attachment. To get rid of the root is not an easy task.

We poured in everything, to strike for a balance, to achieve something, another level up.
Half way the string broken, no music can play using broken string.

The whole trip, I don't even think about playing a damn music. Just silent. Black and white.
Dizzy visual.

I need to talk, I need food, I need companion, I need to laugh stupidly now.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

One Direction

Great quote!

Sometimes I laugh so so hard in front of friends, for some lame jokes and not funny statement, people will look at me strangely.

I'm trying can't you see? Laughing hard will make me truly believe that I'm laughing, happy.
I felt much better actually.

Time will pass, wound will heal, but feelings and smells never go away.

I know my boss is going to ask me the question: What you want to excel in your career? What you really want to do?

He's such a scary person that he can sense that I'm heading no where, and getting drained by everything. He talked to me, and I felt so much better after showered in his advise and motivation.

So lucky to found my mentor, who appears to be my boss as well.

Keep going girl, keep going!

Trees which gone through storm will grow taller, I know that well.

Imma think HARD, what I really want. Not as a follower. As a master of my own life.

Thursday, December 6, 2012


I remembered I still have an unlimited cheque to dine in here...

Is a passion-less day, with misunderstanding which I don't know how to explain, and just be the misunderstand happen.

I guess I repeating the same mistake, not clearing the misunderstand to avoid doubts.

Hello me!

Dear me, how are you today? 

It's been one month since the heart broken day happened. 
Are you OK now? Are you a better self now?

This is a long long month.

Worse is on this joyful festive season, the bitterness lingers, can't get rid of it.
I think I manage to pull off now, in terms of emotions and negativity.

I didn't cry last night. I manage to get a couple of hours sleep, despite I'm awake by the stopped robot and your groan. 

Tried to keep myself busy, try to come back later than you, tried to move away from everything, tried very hard to get attracted to something, something to kill time.

I think slowly, I will be able to find the meaning of watching TV, not turning on everything in the house to keep me company.  

Progressively, I will be stepping out of the pain, and start to feel numbness. Like something press on your shoulder for too long, and you won't feel the pain and the weight anymore. You just feel numb, and tired.


Sometimes life is not about how much you give, and then to measure how much you take.
Life not necessary can be a balance, despite I'm a Libra. 

Sometimes when your faith shattered, you will do something very silly.
I even went to check out Feng Shui, and realize putting fake flower in the house is not good for relationship. Coincident huh.
LOL at myself.

Letting things go to get hold on something better. Maybe the better things will not come, but letting go for more peace, I think I can do it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Beef soup of soul

This is the MOST pathetic Christmas tree I ever seen! Kudos for the effort, by turning the junks into decoration. But too much of junks make this 'tree' look really like a junk. Where are the presents? LED lights? colorful charms and sweets?

Urgh, as dull as the newspaper might present. Ink, and yellowish newspaper.
Festive during this time is not easy I know. But I will make it through. I will be fine.

Started my day with beef soup ta-baoed as surprise. Same food, same taste, same person, but whole entirely different scenario.

However, the warm soup still warms up my tummy and my heart. 
This is something you would do out of ordinary to surprise me. I appreciate that.

Finally made it to Cheras to eat the famous fish head noodle.
Like how it looks, cook to perfection in creamy soup base, smooth and tender fish chunk (fresh fish, not the fried one), a hint of chinese wine and salted vege to stir up the taste bud.


It's raining now, again.
Weather has been like this for months. Good and bad, good and bad.

The day before my boss asked me, what would I want to do next, in the future, what would I want to excel.
Frankly, I have no freaking idea at all.

For all this while, I've been leaded, guided by someone. Either you, the boss, or friends.
Obviously, I need guidance, and sometimes I do really need to work alone, live alone.
Think Weisin think! What you want to do in life?

What to do with your life?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Season of Joy

It's the season of Joy again, December, the joyous month.

Soon you will see Christmas decor everywhere, everyone is shopping for their love one, planning parties, planning surprise for the other half, writing greetings card.

Everyone will be posting happy pictures, with christmas tree, in every mall, house, office, random xmas pics.

I remembered the giant Christmas tree, a huge cross and Christmas drama. I knew so much about Christmas during past few years. I missed it dearly.

The merrier the surroundings, the more bitter it is. Imma cover up the bitterness with a big fat smile.
So much regrets, but I'm OK, really.

Slipping away...

During August, I knew the clock is ticking. I try so hard to find a reason, why? and resulted myself always in bad temper, everything is just not right.

I made an effort to try cheer you up on your birthday, spend some quality time together, surprise you with a getaway. Decent meal, breakfast, quality time...

And so, my loose temper is also created so much problem which I finally know, is the axe of my  relationship.

Didn't know the feelings of losing someone is so horrifying. 

You know something is slowly happening, but yet there's nothing you can hold on to, because you have no clues, at all.
Crying out loud is not something I like to do. The last time I did that was March 14, the day I realize there's no such thing as secure on our base.

And now, we should have no more fuss, no more trust issues, no more problems, just sorrows. But the feeling is like thousands of ants biting me, all over my body. It's painful and itchy, but the more I scratch the more itchy it is, and scratching leaves scars.

I'll keep calm and carry on. Maybe everything from the start is not right.
I will walk on the line, not crossing any, and try to walk away one day.

Move on girl!  This is the best thing happen to you.

You will always be What you are.

Stupidity can't cure, imma slap myself few more times.

3 roses

Suddenly think of the 3 roses today.

That day when you bought me flowers by surprise, I manja you to buy me flowers once a while, you say...'OK ar!'

The day we called off, the flower dies as well, right on the same day.

Flower dies, heart dies, feelings never die.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Hard Cold Fact

It's a hard cold fact I need to accept.

There's nothing left I know. It's not how it used to anymore.

It's definitely hard for me, but that's the best thing in the world happen to me.

Just few days before you call it off, you told me the 3 letter words. Can the 4 alphabets just disappear like that?

It is going to be another lonely trip to SG. Remind me of all the time we share in SG, short, sweet and memorable.

You bought me an overpriced ear rings out of surprised, I cherish that. And a ring after came back alone from the trip.

How sweet it is.

Just some random thoughts, best thing is happening to me, it must be.


Can't stop refilling for you, the coffee, snacks...and maybe feelings?


I got a virtual hug from a friend yesterday *hugs back*
That's very sweet and warm of her.

Told ya this is the best thing happen to me...but why am I sighing every time, and the bitter.

Found some expired love.
It's Sunday now, I didn't had my lunch nor dinner, and I am hungry.
But I can't take up any initiative to find something to eat. I just can't do anything.

回程的时候看着路边的景色,曾经一起走过的大道。 准备咖啡,糖果,陪你说话。


踏进家门口,我的手在颤抖。 我爱过的家,现在只是一个空穴。




That day seems like a show reel keep replaying in my mind.
What if....what if?
What if I was given an option, to sort things out?
What if we can deal things differently, less frustration, less stress, more communications.

It's loser to think of such things, you know there's no option for you, when you know you're the cause of everything.

Just have to admit sometimes, people change.
Suck it up and admit that's the best thing happen to you.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Break down

I am a loser, officially.

How many times I've promised myself, NOT to cry over spilled milk, not to breakdown in front of you anymore?

I did it, yesterday. I can't control my feelings, there's so much sadness inside me it's like an opened tab, it's flowing through me, and I can't stop it.

Tried so hard to fake a smile, I can do it easily during day time, during outings, when I'm alone. But when I'm with you, all my feelings are slapping right on my face. The pain hit me, the sorrow and the grief hit me hard, times and times.

Pardon me for my unreasonable breakdown.

I finally see the distance, when I not know about your trip. I though we are so call still friends. But friends do share this kind of stories, what happen during day time, gossip, personal updates. But maybe in your translations, these are report and tracking metrics.

We are just avoiding to step on the land mine, and you are stepping back with plans. Stage by stage, slowly stepping back, letting go.

And me, I'm losing myself bit and pieces. Like how you letting things go.

Sometimes when I can't get out of the emotions, I will just drown in my memory lane, the time when I didn't ever think that we will separate, and most importantly -- happy.
I did my best to remind you, of all the olden times, the happy memories, our unfinished promises.
Before the storm, I tried every night, to cuddle you and tell you the old stories. Try to remind you of the love, we once had.

I did my best, really.

I told you I love you, you said Me too...
So, where's the love?

You said I don't listen to you, I don't talk to friends.

No...I've been venting the same thing, over and over.
Talking to many different people, telling in many different ways. I thought I was OK. But I'm not apparently. I'm just numb with the story and the ending. After all, the bitterness is buried with me, and I'm bitter.

God isn't that fair, the world is not fair.
You taken back your love, and took away all my strength and interest.

This is the best thing happen to me EVER!
Don't magnify your problem, there's no one injured, die or handicap. Don't magnify it.

I'll hold on to this, suck it up and fuck off when I'm emotional.

When life give you a lemon, sometimes it can be a sour lemon juice.