I try to avoid blogging about it for weeks, but I think I should remind myself for these feelings.
I decided to change path in my life. Not to many people surprise, I wasn't too happy recently. I looked sad, frowning, bad face complexion, stressed constantly. So when the time is right (which means I can't take it anymore), I decided and no turning back.
I'm afraid as well, at the same time.
'Never sell yourself low' the boss said.
Even when I decided, he still give me advise like a teacher.
The fact that I made my decision, my decision has affected me in many ways.
most of the time, emotionally.
I didn't imagine I can be so sulky and so regret about my choice.
Before this I can only imagine 2 outcome. I risk my relationship with my mentor, the only way to end this is either he flip, or he'll freeze me from anything else.
Neither of the things he do to me. He treated me extra nice, and everything seems back to last time, when I still enjoyed my work very much.
I try to find one fella who can understand me, but no one.
Maybe my mom can.
My relationship with the boss is very weird, weirdly close and almost like a butler.
I admire him a lot since I was a uni student, he taught me almost everything, and the experience shaped me who I am today. I'm more matured than most of my peers, and from learning I know how to handle people.
I'm still a lizard, too far to become a dragon. But without his teaching I would just stays as a worm.
There's much more than mentorship if you ask me, that's why everything is so hard when I know I will leave him. And the endless conversation and apologetic tone he had, leave me in misery.
When I first started working, many friends given me many 'warnings'. But on the other side, same thing like I told my colleague, from all the trainings, sharpening and scoldings, do you realize you learned something?
No one knows better than me, how much I learned, how much I suffered but how much I felt grateful for the tests. Each test make me feel stronger, each test gained confident.
It's just a time's up button in me, that I think I need to move on, to find a defined path for myself.
I never fail to believe that in the future, road will cross again. Just like how he told me.
I cherish every long conversation we had, and although it's hard, I'm thankful for not giving up on me.
I sort of have so much feeling today. OK, not sort of, I think I have many feelings now.
Went to catch up with some old friends today, just a short one. I was shocked that so many of them are going to get married this year or next year. And one of my important friend showed me his proposal video just now.
Looking back to the days we were in our uniforms, practicing and performing together as an orchestra. That was 10 freaking years ago.
And now we are no longer talking about work, career and cliche bf.
It's about marriage now and someone's baby.
Soon after that we will see people start bringing babies to join the gang. What a scene!
And I'm glad and also happy to witness this transition.
On the other hand it makes me realize, this is so surreal.
As if everything happened and I'm not part of it. I think I better be a bystander than in it.
I can visualize myself with many other things but nothing close to that. Showing each other the ring and rocks on the fingers, and discuss about ritual and ceremonies.
But somehow I guess that's a happy thing to do, to be able to share that precious experience with someone. And get ready and all excited about the big day.
I'm truly happy for those who manage to find their prince charming, and the happiness on their face, is unbelievable.