Two sides of the world

I have awesome friends, I guess they are the reason I feeling belonged and loved most of the time. With the current situation, where I spend most of my time on something wasting and negative, friends are my pillar.

I realize today I have very different feelings toward some people. If bipolar is how this feels, I probably have it the whole time.

Some people make you feel awesome, they compliment you, they laugh at your silly jokes, whack gau you when you are siasui, they don't care if you are pretty or not but they just want to be with you. They make you feel like you're special.

Sometimes I'll feel awful for no particular reason. When I'm near some people, I'll feel small, little, no confident. There's nothing that can triggers that but I will feel very small when I near to them. Your voice is weak and you have to think about the next thing you say, worry about judgement. But why worry about judgement? Who will judge me? Why am I feeling such at all?

My ex company makes me feel the same too. I'm not sure if this is the right word, but I was intimidated by it. Maybe jealous, maybe. I feel not worth to be there, feel like not good enough for them, everyone else are so far beyond reach and here I am, still crawling like a fucking snail. They are 'digital', I'm a con artist.

One of my boss made a 30 min speech last night in a event, talking about reskill and transformation.
He's right. I need to reskill myself. But where?

And today another boss made a damn funny statement, to stop the staff from posting some pictures on social media. I can't believe I'm doing digital in such environment.

That moment itself, I'm honestly ashamed.

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I'm also ashamed at myself.

I acted like 'me' yesterday when I was with my colleague.
Then I realize, most of the time, the 10 hours I'm working in office/ outside...is not me.
I'm living under the fucking bitch mask for 10 hours. I hate it.

I blame it to the environment.
A competitive environment that everyone will HARM you, everyone will take things away from you. An environment that you are at the bottom of the food chain, you can only hope to pick up bread crumb that people don't want.

If you happen to found a meat, fear not, it'll be taken away, sooner or later.

There's barely any logic, justice is vague, system is ambiguous.
I think this is quite clear if I belongs here.