Saturday, November 24, 2012
Best thing ever
Had so much thoughts running in my mind today. I can't remember most of them now, too messy.
Today is the day I planned for quite some time, to spend a decent family outing. Things turn out to be something different, a bit more bitter feeling. I know it's the pain I have to go through.
I give my self 2 weeks to get over it. I think I'll need to prolong it.
Like I said, this is the best thing ever happen to me.
The image keep haunting me. The deceives, the heartbreaks and the guessing game. And best of all, even this person's face keep haunting me. I dream about the face, over and over again.
Been avoiding everything I can remind of this figure. Almost, everything including the songs I used to love the most. During my darkest period, I repeated GD's song over and over. I don't listen to them anymore, not even Bigbang.
A dear friend told me I should thinking of Bigbang when I'm not happy. I wanted to say, Bigbang hurts me now. I don't listen to them anymore, not even when I accidentally listen to the radio.
I used to be so excited when I hear them on radio last time. But I won't behave like this in front of you, because I know you don't like me being a bimbo, listen to noisy brainless Korean songs. I'll contain myself, try not to sing along.
I normally will sing out loud in my car driving alone, feel damn excited when listen to their song in the radio. Or I just turn my iPod on and start singing and shaking along.
I though you don't like people behave like this. Probably you just don't like particular person behave like this.
I have de-listed my interest, probably I should de-list everyone related.
I tried, not to bring my confident down. But I can't feel myself anymore. Ego have brought us here today. My accidental ego and my natural born fierce face. I didn't know people are fearful for me. I though you will defend me. Had too much confident on myself last time.
Everything I do I don't think is good enough. Work- Proposals, my daily routine, the job updates, the people approach. All half pile.
Confident level zero, maybe negative.
I don't like to look at mirror anymore, especially the mirror in the room of pain.
I hunch back even more serious now. I can't look up straight and walk proudly.
My legs feels uncomfortable wearing heels, because I don't feel pretty wearing them.
I just not into shopping at the moment now, at least not like how i used to.
However I need to shop, I need to refurbish my wardrobe, and bag, and purse. Bleach them all to a new start.
People are weird. It's few months of change versus few years of maintenance to the conenction.
It's alright not to try harder. I totally understand.
Again, this could be the best thing happen in my life, ever.
Now, I just need to face the persons who are loving me dearly, put up a forceful big smile and tell them : I'M OK. NO BIG DEAL.
At least I think I did a great job today.