Thursday, November 22, 2012
Not sure why I broke down again yesterday. I though I was ok, was fine the whole day.
Until I did a stupid mistake and an argument-look-alike conversation arouse.
Had a few words with Calvin, my all time talk-cock buddy. Didn't really talk much, mostly just fei hua...and I kinda like the fei hua conversation. Numb of mentioning my issue again, I shouldn't spread the negativity around. This is unfair for the rest.
My eyes was so painful yesterday, and after so much crying, I look into the mirror and I can barely open my eyes. I look so so horrible that I looked like someone who just did plastic surgery, the before recover face.
My eye lid wasn't in place all the time, and after swollen it looks worst. I have thicker than ever eye lid, and it never goes back to how it used to. I can basically see 2 thick fat stick on my eyes, and it make my eyes look smaller.
My face...don't know what happen to my face. It is swollen all the time, ALL THE TIME. I think there's percentage of fats, but it look bigger than usual face.
I also encounter pimples/ small growing all over my body. Chest, back, stomach... I never had so much problem on my body, ever.
I have no mood at all to do mask. The mask you given me is still there. It reminds me of us doing mask together. And you snores not long after.
Everything on me, is not right.
I feel ugly, looks ugly, everything on me are not on the right place.
You mentioned about your family today...ah..I miss them.
Believe it or not, I even miss church.
Been going to church religiously for more than 2 years. Although from time to time we skipped, but I don't dislike church, I like it actually. Ever since we moved in , we went to church only once.
Christmas is near. Reminds me of each year Christmas Eve, we will spend time with friends after church service. I guess my Christmas this year will be quite sucky.
I realize I don't treat your family as yours'. They are part of my family. I treated your brother sisters like my own brother sister. Your parents as my parents.
I miss them when I don't get to see them.
All these things I didn't foresee it'll hurt, but it does.
I'll repeat this everyday: This is the best thing happen to me. Best thing ever.
I'm gonna be so damn fine today. Gonna be super awesome tomorrow, and fucking happy the day after.
God, if you exist, please give me strength to move on. Please let me feel less bitter everyday, and let me realize how happy being alone can be.
Thanks for pampering me again and again. I have never see so much patience in you before, I guess you changed, but it's not for me anymore.
I'll be OK and strong enought to survive on my own. I definitely can. I will tattoo this to myself.