Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Off the ground
Been more than 2 weeks now, the wound is still fresh, unheal and cut open.
I didn't know this is so hard, keep telling myself, this could be the best thing happen to me.
But how do I stop caring, anticipating, thinking back what are the loop holes and figure a way to fill them holes? Although all these are useless effort, just can't keep myself out of all these thinking.
Suddenly I realize I spent my time watching your back the most. Most of the time if I watch you sleep, I will see your back, and I will give you a gentle rub so you can sleep soundly.
And whenever I give you a squeeze, you will turn your back on me and I will squeeze gently.
Today I'm a bit emotional. Probably I realize I still can't sleep alone, probably just can't sleep there, in that room of pain.
I hear your snores standing outside of the room, so soundly. Why can't I do the same?
No trace of myself at all...clean cut.
Trying to watch drama yesterday night, trying to get rid of the irregular fast heart beat in the room. I watch for 10 minutes and I give up.
Irregular heart beat still remains, with noisy fan and empty soul.
Coughing hysterically. again, in my sleep. I teared, and cough, teared again. Trying to reach out of my bed to get water but the house is too big to walk around. I want to stay in one corner, and hug myself.
Get over, get over. This could be the best thing happen to me. To get out of unnecessary effort and overflowing care.
A good friend told me, men doesn't want a mommy as gf. I don't do mommy anymore.
Thanks for the surprised postcard. If this postcard arrive few months earlier, I will have a butterfly flying in my stomach. I still feel happy, but I know I'm never be the unique one for you anymore.