Keep calm and carry on

I remembered I laughed yesterday in my sleep.

Very blur visual, but I roughly remember I was on a road trip, to a stressless weekend getaway with you.
I saw some funny sign board and I LOLed in my dream.

I really can't wait, to have a real weekend, real rest and real stress free.

But think about it, I have tons to do. House work, groceries restore, laundry, usual cleaning and work ...

I just need a day, with nothing but true joy, so I can continue reading 'The Wish'.
The first chapter is telling you to remember the true joyful feeling. I don't find it till now.

只能尽量逃避，像个没用的龟仙人。
碰到一点点，就好像把快要凝固的伤口扒开。
怎么不会呢，伤口深得很哪。

Habit

 Walk around town yesterday, to the infamous Chatuchak market and Asiatique at night.
Asiatique is somewhere you'll like, this is the only thing I can relate to.

Chill, cool breeze, at the Chao Praya riverfront, nice drinking and hang out place.
It's some habit which I can't get rid of after so long.

Going back tomorrow finally. Finally.

Restless

Been torturing myself these few days, even weekend.
I sleep really really late, hope to wake up late the next day. But I woke up at 7 freaking am.
And then trying very hard to get back to sleep, turn from side to side, counting sheep. End up thinking about non sense.

Then had bad dream... dreamed that my bonus is less than 1.5 k. Suck ass.

Things keep spinning in my head. Insecurity, anyone can replace me, who needs me then?
I got to be irreplaceable, at least to someone, someone who won't dispose me.

---
Weir Dreams Compilation


I really had some weird dreams here.
Yesterday after knowing Liverpool lost in the match, I dreamed that Gerrard and the rest of the members slept over in my house (don't ask me why).
The were extremely upset, and I tried to comfort them. But at the same time, I asked for picture together with Gerrard.

God knows why, he need to pray before taking picture (ROFL)
I waited anxiously for the photo, but after the prayer something came up.

You were in another house and I ask  you to come over. And I show you aroudn the rooms they slept in.
Some of them share rooms, with single bed...(ROFL)
Then we forgotten about the photo.

Am trying to rearrange their room arrangement, so no one need to share bed... and the rest of the story is not clear.

Alamak...really restless.

自娱娱人

一个人的旅行其实没有很精彩。
买东西没人给意见。
自己一个人也不敢乱晃， 怕一个不小心走丢了，语言不通， 找不到回头路。
想多点几样菜试吃，但又吃不完。
想点不一样的菜式，可是又表达不了。
要找个地方歇息，可是对不熟悉的地方没有安全感。
Saw a lot of Swenson here.  Feel like having ice cream but no one to share with. I don't have sweet tooth after all, just an natural response when I see things like that.

你有过这样的经验吗？
就是啊，想点餐，可是怕没有座位。 想把东西先放下再点餐，可是又担心没人看管。最后就放弃了，到一些比较熟悉的地方。 比如麦当劳。

可是啊，我还是可以自娱娱人的。
自己一个人独白，自己说话。
最常做的就是给隔壁座的设计对白。
有时候还蛮好笑的。

今天看到一个叔叔自个儿做在麦当劳，啃着外带的面包，没有点餐。
我在想，那么大摇大摆的走进来，该不会是这间麦记的老板吧。
表问我笑点在哪里，自己给自己设计对白就是要那么无聊的。

－－－

Walked around town today, finally!
I would expect to spend whole day in town, luckily I didn't start my journey early.
I finished walking 3 malls in 3 hours time. Most of the time plain walking, the stuff in the mall are nice, fancy but not cheap. I have budget only for market stuff :P

Had a bad headache in the afternoon, because I missed my coffee today.
It had become my bad habit don't know since when. Although as much I want to cut down, the headache will remind me of the caffeine dosage.

---

Most of the Thai people will speak to me in Thai, few of the clients also said the same thing.
So recently I'm trying 'pretend-to-be-Thai-people' game.
Another self entertainment.

I used to buy fruits from this fruit stall in front of the apartment.
Usually he'll charge 15 bath for mango. Today I tried to pretend as Thai, using my very limited Thai and a 'I-know-what-you-sayin' face to cheat him. And he charge 10bath only.

Meaning all this while he's charging me 'foreigner' price.

And I realize if I don't have exact change for taxi, they will 'automatically' take tips for themselves.

Small money I don't mind, just a new discovery. 

---

Trying to get more sleep this morning, but I'm awake at 7, and force myself back to sleep.
When I'm half asleep, in my dream I'm waking you up, doing the usual routine.
Back rubbing, breakfast, newspaper, wake you up...etc.

Then only I realize I'm in thousand miles away, I don't need to do anything, just sleep.

Starting imagining the house in my sleep, the coffee aroma, the bed, the morning bird chirping, laundry, dishes, breakfast, small talk...etc.

Well well...must be too boring here.

紫气东来

Airport art

Do you know, when you get rid of something bad, good things will happen?
Ironically, due to my personality and character last time, I got lots of criticism for being cocky and arrogant.
Then, I toned down recently, or should I say I lost all the spirit recently, but still I don't get compliment?

Saw many posts about traffic jam today, somehow I stuck in Bangkok jam as well, but not as bad as PJ. But I do miss home, the Friday mood, the happy hour, the chit chat, the bed, my dying flowers, the room of pain.

---

#onlyinthailand

It's Saturday tomorrow, gonna be a tourist and walk around town. Siam Paragon? or Terminal 21?
I realize the people in the town center is not that naive and kind, compare to Bangna. Taxi driver in the town will rip you off, tuk tuk will rip you off, traffic is horrible.
When I walked back home today, it's the first time I felt danger since I came here for couple of times.
Luckily, I'm here in one piece.

Maybe my colleague is my lucky charm as well, she protect me from being rip off, that's why I only see the good side of the city.

---

I know I've made mistake, especially during this period of time, and he have absolute reason to be angry.
Human can't make mistake?

Or just admit it, no one is perfect like you...high and mighty.
I always notice great and successful people dont sleep and rest. I particularly need these.
Need chill, need friend, need to talk, need a shelter, need to rest, need to stretch myself, need a peace of mind.

Eyebrow-less

Beginning

Finally, taking a sip of cold water...and calm down.
Such a sucky day it was yesterday, and since today early morning I've never been properly rest, neither drink proper amount of water.

Feeling dizzy and doze off on the way back from meeting. My colleague was talking to me and I zone out.

Try not to be too negative about my losses, but I'm official 1.5k poorer. Just burn 1.5k like that, it would have become the dp of my uncertain new car, or an iPad for my dad, or something nice to myself. But they just burn like that.

Take it as a lesson to myself and never repeat again, I did this twice, got screwed up by boss and I'll never do it again. This is my new year resolution.

Had some difficulties last night, but manage to find help when I'm the most hopeless and lost.
After that I broke down again, weeping in tears and try to calm down. Sob to sleep after that.

Again, I didn't ask for more, just a normal 1 day, or maybe half a day stress-free chillout getaway.
Can anyone entertain me?

---

Went for a transit in Koh Samui on the way to BKK, the airport is so amazing!
The airport itself already make me feel like vacation, I will go back to that place for sure and have a good holiday.
The small airport have ponds, with lotus and well trimmed plants, trees, cabanas...very relaxing once I step in the airport.

Sadly, it was a transit, nothing more.

Passerby.

无题

要把余温好好的保留，好好的缅怀。
好想不受拘束，没有烦恼的度过一段很轻松的假日。
脖子肩膀都很疼了，没有人会因为这个而停留的， 向前走吧。

California King Bed

Geberra again!

It's the same flower this week. I'm a very uninteresting person, will stick to one thing I like, for the longest period.

Like food, I always eat the same thing. Boring, but I think is the attachment which eats in to my brain.

This morning when I refuse to wake up and work, I knew I need a break, badly.
First I forgotten to set alarm, but I woke up on time.
Next I went back to bed, and feel reluctant to work.
Then, I spend my time busy for nothing, and only try to drag myself to work, 1 hour late.

I just need a quiet getaway, from issues and work, sorrows and sadness for a good 48 hours, to recharge. No planning, no agenda, no hassle; just rest, movie and peace.

Had so much in my mind recently...necessary and unnecessary thoughts. No time to think of holiday yet, that why I request for a getaway, not a holiday.

Fear me not.

----

Saw this lame viral message in FB. Lame it may sounds, but so true.

Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me? Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now-

Lame it may sounds, but so true.

---

This blog space suppose to be my realm, the only place in the world where I can reveal my darkest side of me, and stay all the negativity here.

That's why it never meant to be a 'blog' per se, it's more like my personal journal. No matter how lazy I am to update, how sad the things is here, they will just remain here. Look at me, no one like emo bitch.

Because emo bitch is too mainstream.  

I can't see myself behaving like this to anyone. I realize I'm super uninteresting, that I can't find other topic to speak about myself. 
Work? boring
Gossip? doesn't exist. 
that's all.

And before someone mentioned, I didn't notice I like to talk to myself so much. Even way before, what I used to do when I walk from school to the bus station, I always talk to myself.
It's a 20 minutes walk distance. 4.30pm, Hot, under the sun, walking and heavy school bag.
I always talk to myself, or sing. 

Sometimes I don't speak, I monologue in my mind.

Inner self maybe? It's the time you see yourself differently. Rethink the first impressions, the first perception. 
It's like a report, a short summary to inner self. 

---

Flying again tomorrow, things don't change.
Wake up- work- grab something from the market- work- lunch- work- grab groceries- food-go home- work- sleep.

No one is interested in this boring story, no one gonna ask, but I gonna say it anyway.

INTERESTING FACTS IN CONVENIENT STORE
1) Thailand convenient store is so amazing, they sell FRESH food, FRESH ingredient even after 10pm.
2) They have big boobs girl in FHM, but all in Thai language.
3)  Liquor in convenient store, is cheap.
4) They have wide range of instant noodle, mostly tomyam flavour.
5) Good frozen food.
6) Instead of burger stall outside 7/11 here, they have noodle stalls.
7) Thai people LOVE fruits. You can buy fruits everywhere, cut or uncut.
8) The crab inside Som Tam, is fermented crab, some are more than 1 month old =.=
9) Thai people speak very very vrey soft and gentle. Including guys. They are not lady boys, just gentle.

Uninteresting right...
 
           

愛されたい

いつも一人歩いての時,自分と話した。
一人で、晩御飯をたべる,買い物します。

時と感慨で、’ああ、いなあ、あいされるのこと。’
二人なら何でもできるのかんじ　よかったは。

寂しい、一人は寂しいなの。
’ずっと一緒に、ね？’　この質問は聞きました。
でもあれからの数月、私たち離れた。

今までも　理解できません。

ーーー

my company.

Words are not easy to say at times.
It something beyond words, and it's unspoken feelings that drowning me.
Just by seeing my bed I had so much feelings, the room of pain, the laundry, the TV programs, the coffee, the cards..
It's very vague to say that, but it's hard to explain, could be the stress.

Let's blame it on the stress.

Frozen

Memories frozen in time. 5 senses will remind you of the oldest memories.
Rethink back a lot of things, I give myself a B+ for what I've did. I didn't strike perfect, but I give all I can, the best I can.  

It's soaring pain, when you can only expect 2 letters answers from the person you once shared dreams with.

Maybe at one point I'm not quite welcome, for trying to create conversation. So anyone can teach me how the normal way should be?

It's very predictable.

---

Someone asked me 'why are you saying yourself is disposable'
He terasa...yes, thanks to you as well, I'm even worst than disposable.
I'm like a sanitary pad for you, the used one.

When you are no longer clean, fluffy and absorb-able, with blood stain, it's time to dispose.
Laugh at me.

Disposable

Disposable: A disposable (also called disposable product) is a product designed for a single use after which it is recycled or is disposed as solid waste. The term often implies cheapness and short-term convenience rather than medium to long-term durability.

In short, disposable is something cheap, and for short-term convenience. After that, it's nothing but trash.
It's been on and off since I have this kind of trashy feeling towards this person. As a friend, he failed miserably. I used to think it's sincere, but looking back, it's all about intention.
When needed something from me, got an A for being pushy (pussy as well).

---

Same goes for all other things.
In this universe, when you're not worthy, no one will give you a damn. Or even when people giving you a damn, is because they are in your category.
I actually agree with a mutual benefit kinda state. When you need something, I'll help, when I need company, you'll be there.
Fair and square.

If you are expecting just help from me, you shouldn't have talk to me at the first place. Annoying you know.

---

Had a 3 hours conversation with the boss yesterday, I had a headache after that.
To summarize, I'm just not there yet where he want to see me. He's pushing me, to move, poking me to improve. 
Despite how much I want to, sometimes it's not about time management only, it's about talent as well.
It's like you are asking an infant to read standard 3 books. They can see pictures, guess meaning, drawing on it, but not understanding it.

---

Regardless of all these. One thing I can't get used to , is annoyed face.
Again, we aim to please, not to piss.
I'm a peacemaker if you know me. If you're in trouble, I'll do my best to help you.
If you want to pick a fight, I'll probably keep quiet and walk away, maybe cry after that.
But all I want, is never piss anyone off.

I've learn to make peace, to 共存, to be ignorance at times, learn to pick up the pieces.
Just need a bit more effort to dilute the feelings.
Good progress I guess.

You can't be loved

Wonderful perfect innocent lovable apple cheeks. 

 

 

 

You can't be loved, you freak moron. 

Coffee dream

Airport

Words are vicious at times especially when you are not rational, that's why I learn not to say anything when I'm confused with my feelings.

Feelings are complicated, I choose not the believe what I saw, so I took more than 1 month to slowly repair, rethink, reenact and relook. Of course, proven I'm wrong.

Knowing that my poisonous words are actually fatal make me very conscious in speaking. But most of the time I can expect the answers, depends on the ambiance, atmosphere and mood. When the aura is negative, I rather not ask or say anything. I hope anyone can understand, I'm not intend to piss, I aim for pleasure and please. You do too :)

---

Credit to greenweddingshoes.com

Heard so many marriage news recently...
Few extremely talented and young guys in my co is getting married too. I feel rather shock to hear that.

I always wonder when I see people getting married.
'How sure are you that this is the person you can spend the rest of your life with?'

Probably I will never found the answer, until I find one for myself. I used to think marriage is all about compatible, tolerance and trust. Love is really not everything.

Think about it. If you are so much in love with each other, but the mother don't like your BF, the father can't click with your GF, the dogs don't like your partners' smell, the girl have horrible bad habit, or extremely lazy etc...but you are 100% in love with this person.
Imagine how it will turn out after 10 years.

1) Either you give in, doing all the things and treat her like a queen. Ignore all the disagreement around you, and continue to be in love fully, live in your own world. I saw quite many example like this...
2) The other half have to give in, change. Of course, this must gone through multiple rounds of argument and fights. Morally and physically. Morally, you have to measure who matter more, family or the other half.
3) (You know what it will lead to)

But never say never :)

Saw an emo post from a friend that day in FB.
She said 'The longest distance in the world is not death apart or can't love who you loved; it's when two people who are not meant to be fell in love.'

It's very unlike her, not sure if she copied the quote from somewhere.
Feelings are complicated, there's no right and wrong, no black and white.
There's 103945482103 reason to explain the things we do, and there's 1923817237492 to reason why we tears, laugh, love and of course, split.

----

Another happy story from a pretty colleague that day.
After 3 years both being single, she got back together with the ex.
There's mix opinion from every one she shared with. Some with blessing, some with doubt (especially is a LDR).
Apart from that, it's still a happy news for 2013.

She's a excellent narrator of all her conversation with him.
'What are you talking about, I will never let you go.' The boy said.

My heart melts....aww...she's worth to be loved, be so loved.

---
Random thoughts...

Going to BKK tomorrow again, this time I felt less reluctant.
I told my mom yesterday, I have quite a strong adaptation. But I guess I will never like loneliness.
Especially when middle of the night someone is trying to open your apartment door when you are alone..

O.K

O.K

As an adjective, "okay" means "adequate," "acceptable" ("this is okay to send out"), "mediocre" often in contrast to "good" ("the food was okay"); it also functions as an adverb in this sense. As an interjection, it can denote compliance ("Okay, I will do that"), or agreement ("Okay, that's good"). As a verb and noun it means "assent" ("The boss okayed the purchase," and, "The boss gave his okay to the purchase.") A versatile discourse marker (or back-channeling item), it can also be used with appropriate voice tone to show doubt or to seek confirmation ("Okay?" or "Is that okay?").^[1]

K.O

The term is often associated with a sudden traumatic loss of consciousness caused by a physical blow. Single powerful blows to the head (particularly the jawline and temple) can produce a cerebral concussion and cause a sudden, dramatic KO. Body blows, particularly the liver punch, can cause progressive, debilitating pain that can also result in a KO.

Dog chasing over tail

I talked to a friend, and in some ways, my tone might offended him, and that was my darkest period.
Ever since when I tried to talk to him, he'll bring this up again. Cycle and cycle, never get tired of this. And initially that was a JOKE.
There's once I talked about something random, and suddenly he get all offended and ask me not to bring this up again. In angry tone. I didn't even do anything wrong, why?

So , you're dancing cha cha with me people?

The things that you need to work hard for, are the things you'll treasure the most. I realize that.

I don't know why I need to do this, to keep pacifying mankind who never do me any good. Since young. Like me keep talking to him, but he keep dancing cha cha with me.

The one who bullied me the most, is the one I though is 'best friend'. The friend who always ask me to do things, I'll always do for them after scolding and complaining.
The best friend during my secondary school time, is the one I always buy expensive gift for, I still do now. And I end up having a major 'break up' with her.

Poeple who don't want me to get near them, I will naturally want to be there with them.
I shall make a conclusion. I just enjoy the feeling when there's someone needing me.

Something mean came out from my chat box. 'I won't meet up with you first, still emo at you.'
hmm...What happened?
Fine, really.

2 sided

Things always have two sided. When you always think you are right in this way, try rethink, maybe you're ALSO right in the opposite way.

Just 'zen'ed this out recently.

For example, you're been using this road for your entire life to work, who knows the longer road is also better? Faster, safer, smoother?

Like what you been thinking is the things you dislike, when the days goes by, only you realize, you don't hate it, and you are actually liking it.

Paradigm shift, from one of the book I read.

I actually like the things I used to think I dislike. When I don't have the chance to do it, only I realize I don't like to do certain things, but the feeling of in need and the satisfaction is something I yearn for.

Human is a funny creature.

Jan 7

It's not Jan 7 now but I wanna talk about Jan7.
Actually is Jan 6, the Sunday.

I was kinda out of shape that day, waking up and doing nothing, trying to get my job done.
At the end of the day, I am yet to get one thing done.

The insecure feeling is flooding me, and lying on my bed rethink everything.
Clock tick to Jan 7.

2 months now. How are you now?

Looking at the lamp I bought with you, a little funny UK post bin lamp, I shed some tears.
It's been a while, could be stress I guess.

Things definitely have to speed up. Speed speed up.

Going to BKK again this Thursday. This time round is alone.

Well, I just got to get use to it.

---


Got some souvenirs last night :) Souvenirs rocks!
And a very nice limited edition Vodka bottle. I didn't manage to buy it last time, and here you are!

It's good to feel the house with life again :) Dinner, snacks and ice cream. No healthy but definitely meaningful.

Alright, back to work.

Work on Sunday, SUCKS.

Woke up in the morning afternoon by a phone call from boss...here we go again, this is just a start for traveling, more to come.

He asked me in the airport, can you see yourself traveling frequent?
'Last time I can't, now I can.'

I can sense that he's planning to get me replacing him in BKK so he can fly to more countries.

True enough, I'm flying again this Thursday- Saturday.

Seriously, Saturday?
OK, not to be too sadist, the last flight is good, at least they serve hot towel, hot meal with dessert and blanket. Thank you. 

Waken by not a very good wake up call, that's why I'm feeling rather empty now?

Sitting here at my dining table, can't find a slight semangat to make breakfast / lunch for myself.

I used to be very excited to have my own kitchen, cook whatever I like.
But having it and practicing it is different thing.

I realize my motivation of cooking is never my own stomach, get it?
LOL.

---
Whatever it is, it's good to have so much thing spinning in my head. Whatever my boss told me stirred my mind. At least it have to keep moving, I need to get rid of the rust.

For whatever reason, whether he don't have anymore candidate, or he really wants me to be there and take over some task. I have to, no choice but have to be THERE, where he sees me.

Utter stress, and I got shocked it's actually more than what I though he want me to do.
Good thing?

One step closer

My colleague told me this yesterday:
'OK' I said.
'Come on Weisin, people said OK just because they run out of things to say.'

Wake up call, this is the true meaning of excessive OK.

Well, gonna step foot back to Malaysia today. These few days I though I will have quite some alone time, but I still sleep late everyday, woke up with a panda eyes.

Good thing is I discovered a nice massage place in Bangna, they have branches too in different place, We shall go and have a try, bitches :)

Bought some beers and some snacks for present yesterday. It's too heavy and I can't carry them to buy food. So I buy food (11pm dinner), and walk back to the store, and carry my stuff.

Thai people are generally quite helpful :)

I wished I can come with someone on my next trip (not the boss...), so I can have company to go to the town. Colleague maybe?

Heard from the local that Bangkok is not very safe nowadays. I guess crime happens everywhere, other than Singapore :)

She told me that Thai people believe 25 years old is not a good year. That's why she don't learn to drive until she's pass 25 years old. Superstitious you can say, but as far as I can see, quite sucks for lots of people this year.

And I realize mine start sucky when I just turn to 25...whatever it is, please don't haunt me anymore.
I just want to live a good life.
Maybe I should go to the fortune teller, or start telling this to Jesus? 

Skyline

From different end of the latitude. How I wish to be there, in a cozy room and a excited adventure.

Coldness

This room is seriously COLD....i switch the air cond to 26 and still....COLD...

So...have quite a hectic day, went through my slides times and times and times.
Overall Bangkok so far is a nice place, at least I can adapt to it. People like to smile and helpful.

It's better to venture around, with friends, with friend.

I haven't step my feet to town yet, but I think will be quite cool.

---

Switch on the TV, keep switching channels times and times. Thailand have seriously a lot of channels, and I just keep switching it.


I think I will make a few more trips here this month, until the launch at the month end.
Hopefully can get a good night sleep tonight. Blanket oh blanket...

---
Felt like a noob, total noob.
Pure angst there is.

I had a moment of alone time in the toilet today.
Reminded myself some really random stuff.

The day after the split. You called, and my heart sank, and I give you some time to rethink what you want.
I really think we won't end up like this. But at night everything changed. The happiness and relief in your eyes, told me that everything is changed.

It's the best thing happening, reinforcing myself.
We aim to please. Whatever before us which stopping us from moving forward, we don't need to suffer anymore.

New Year

*quick post*

Blogging from Bangkok, Bang Na.

Didnt' have much sleep last night, the room is cold, don't know how to fix the air cond, and there's no blanket for god sake...

Have so much in my mind, spinning. Things flash back again like a show reel, the goods, the bads.

We know each other so well, that no words need to mention to know what's in each others' mind.
Can I still play music with a broken string?


Have long conversation with the boss yesterday in the airport. Overall....
I'm just not THERE yet, THERE they want to see me, but I'm not ready.

'Busy is not equal to productive. You have to be productive.'

True enough.

Buck up dear, buck up.