A place I call home

I left the office 5.30pm today, have a 6.30 appointment at a 7 min drive location. I reached there 7.30. Brilliant traffic and superb sense of direction.

I'm now at home, 8.30pm. I've wasted 3 hours of my life in the traffic.

I'm home now, a place I call home. I have a cute little metal board at my door step, saying 'Home is where Heart is'. I bought this little metal board when I first sign my S&P for my house, I can still remember the thrill of buying the house I love.

Now coming back to this place, I'm not even sure where the heart is, not to mention I call it home. I can call it a house, not home yet.

Tried buying flowers to cheer myself up, it works actually, some cheap 3.60 fresh flowers. I should have buy more, the 3 stalks of flowers looks quite pathetic in the big vase. I call myself stingy.

Now I shall make this place my HOME. Trying to make this as close as a place I wanted so badly for years.

Now whenever I come back, I can feel a pinch of bitterness lingering. This is all the cause, the start for all the hardship, and the mistake. How ironic it is, for owning a house of my dream, and yet it's the cause for every sorrow I endure.

I'm suppose to go to SG for an award night today. I hope Arise can win, it's our baby. Too bad I can't be there, I would love to see us win, if we can make it.

These days my drowsy driving is getting serious. I just can't get good sleep at night, and I can't even have a quality nap.
I have this sudden fear when I fallen into deep sleep, and I'll awake, trying to calm myself down, and fall back to sleep again. This repeatedly happened for months.

It is so much harder to let go than I imagined. It's not like a stain where you can just wash it off. It's a cut, a deep cut, repeatedly cut on the same wound, over and over again. Until the flesh can't grow back, the the wound is just there permanently.

Do you understand when all the things flash back every time I have my alone time? The gentle and care you given to the person you called baby?

It's heart wrenching when all the dots connected, and I looked through your eyes seeing denial. Trust me, if somebody else treat me in such a way, every bits of me will melts. Can't blame me for that, I need care too. Do you remember, I'm a female too?

It's a peaceful day today. The peacefulness after the storm.
I shall just enjoy this precious peaceful moment, and rethink again. It's not like we have much quality time and peaceful moment, imma savor this, slowly...into my memory.