Bon jour~

I'm so fail at taking picture, no group shot. But finally I got it! The hand made card! On 30th October, memorable.

Thanks for your belly button flower too! (but I want a real one can? *grin* )

Smile

SMILE more!

I don't want to be an emo bitch, don't want to be fierce, don't wan the xiao mei meis to be scared of me.


Think about my situation if you were me.

I was brought up in this environment, no one will care for me if I don't save myself.
Just because I'm fat and ugly.

The only thing I can do is to shield myself, do best on what I do, and sometimes have to be emotionless to people, who treated me unfairly.

I used to have a friend who bullied me a lot, she even use a pen to poke through my skin, tear off my uniform sleeve. I used to have bruises on my arm, because she pinched me whenever she feel like it. My mom wanted to go and report to the headmaster, but she didn't because I'll get bully more if she did.

I know I have to be strong ever since. It's in my blood, to strike.

I'm not the girl next door if you are expecting me to be. I'm not the gentle, loving bubly kind of person if you know me, or if you don't know me.

So now the bubly gentle, loving and kind girls think that I'm too scary ... fine.

I'll try to become a lovable person. Not for the girls, but for guys to love me more. (sounds cool huh? *grin*)

Full stop.

Last day of my favorite month

Hello 31st October!

Today is the last day of my favorite month. Looking back the days I spent in this month, not exactly happy, but memorable for sure.

If I'm given a chance, I would love to start October all over again. Without the hardship, minus the tears, without another person and just me.

 

When trust shaken, every moment I had with myself I'm feeling shaken as well. Hate this feeling and hate myself for being an insecure bitch.

 I'm gonna be strong, be fine, be ok, be fantastic, and SHINE!

The choice of word, the topic I talk about, the movie I watched, the things I do...everything in my life I have to think twice now. Still can't have a good sleep at night, things can be darn simple but actually hard to achieve.

It's like when you are used to using spoon to eat rice, you can't get along with chopstick, even though you know how to use chopstick.

I'll appreciate everything I have now, although I might loose them one day. Grateful is the rule of thumb.

共勉之

repost from fb:

有位心理学家曾写道，一个成熟称得上真爱的恋情必须经过四个阶段，那就是：共存、反依赖、怀疑、共生，之间转换所需的时间不一定，因人而易。

第一个阶段：共存。这是热恋时期，不论何时何地总希望能腻在一起。

第二个阶段：反依赖。一方想多一点时间做自己想做的事，这时另一方就会感到被冷落，总是因为一点小事去计较和数落。

第三个阶段：怀疑。这是第二个阶段的延续，要求更多独立自主的时间，总是觉得对自己不好了，没以前爱自己了。

第四个阶段：共生。这时新的相处之道成形，你们已经成为最亲密的人。你们在一起相互扶持、一起开创属于你们人生你们在一起不会互相牵绊，而会互相成长，他（她）就像是你的亲人。

但是，好多人都通不过第二或第三阶段，选择分手。其实很多事只要好好沟通就会没事，可是想太多和任性就是无法避免。

你发现了吗？你们本没有相同之处，外表不相像，性格也是南辕北辙，但是相爱然后在一起，日复一日，年复一年，你会惊讶你的眼睛竟有点像他的眼睛。他的微笑竟也有点像你的微笑。你们走路的步伐变得相似。你们说话的语气也愈来愈像。你们爱喝同一杯饮料。你们的口头禅变得一样。你们总能猜到对方下一句话是什么。原来我们会变成我们所爱的人。

你在不知不觉中让他改掉了他爱皱眉的坏习惯。这个改变，或许连他自己也不曾察觉。他在不知不觉中让你变得做事不再马马虎虎。你差点认不出自己。会在不知不觉中逐渐变成对方理想中的人，这种改变，绝对不是刻意的。两个人相处时间越久，气质也越相近，有一天你惊讶地发现，这样的你们多么默契。

或许再也遇不到这样的感情。深深爱着一个人的时候，你原来真的会一点一点失去自己，可是为什么你还会觉得快乐呢。大概是因为你在失去的同时，也赚了，你把他的气质和他的微笑都赚回来了。

朋友，你们走到哪个阶段了？世界上遇到唯一的你多么不容易，能不能不要轻言放弃。能不能一直走下去。请不要说下辈子，我多怕下辈子再遇不到你。所以就这辈子，就让我们一直在一起走下去。

幸福

张曼娟说，幸福的时候最害怕，因为下一秒就可能让幸福溜走了。

所以我现在什么都不怕，该走的就会走，该留的走不了。
所以我输得起。

深呼吸

呼～～吸～～呼～～～～～
不冷静的时候就是要深。呼。吸。。。。

好了！
笑笑没烦恼，慢慢来比较快。

有时候堂皇的道理每个人都懂， 就好像不要当众放屁一样，可是屁藏在屁股里很不健康，不放不快。

笑！ 长得可爱的人笑起来讨喜。
长的不可爱又凶神恶煞的人更加要笑。 就算笑起来象哭，还是得笑！
卖笑卖笑～

好快了哦～花都开好了！

Happy Big 4!

Long weekend last week, had a most memorable weekend, the ups, downs and everything in between.

It's our 4th anniversary on Saturday, having you and BB for our anniversary is a bliss. The only thing we didn't do is a picture together. It meant so so much to me by celebrating 4th years together, who knows we can survive for so long, I feel grateful for manage to been through it. No matter what happened in the future, there's only ONE 4th anniversary with you in my entire life.

I've made myself anniversary card for both of us, it's been so long I hand made something for u. I wanted something which I can keep can treasure for long, so I made myself a card as well (knowing that you probably won't buy card) . I hope you do write me a card and I shall keep it.

There's a lot of ups and downs recently. Sometimes it's easier to said than done, forgiving and forgo things that clinging me so much. I will try, try hard to do so. Just bear in mind, if things turn sour, I would want to leave just the sweetness, and stay that way.

Happy big 4 my dear, hope you enjoyed the day!

 

Hearty meal in Westin Hotel. Thanks to Aunt Suzanne.

Fear

It's like a cycle, a vicious cycle hitting me times and times.
When I finally have some free time, be it free to take some air, drink water or just freeze myself, I'll have a bitter feeling lingers.

Everything I'm doing seems wrong. Work is in a mess, life is as well.
I'm enjoying every single bit of peacefulness now, who knows this is the last time I can enjoy peace.
I'm appreciating every single bit of things you've done for me, and the celebrations we had. One day these memories will stay in my mind, I hope they will be a good memory.

Somebody please teach me how can I turn back to who I used to be? My life used to be simple.
There's no sleepless night, drowsy driving and tired body at work.
It's like slashing one big part in your heart, even breathing is difficult.

What I want is just to gain back what I used to have last time, handful of confident and happiness.
If controlling brain and mind can be as easy as switching on and off. 

So messy

My life is like this now.

The likes

This shall be the happiest blog post in the longest time. I will buy myself a bouquet of nice flower this Saturday. Girl, you deserve it, you deserve a better treatment and tender loving care.

*picture courtesy of Greenweddingshoes.com

A place I call home

I left the office 5.30pm today, have a 6.30 appointment at a 7 min drive location. I reached there 7.30. Brilliant traffic and superb sense of direction.

I'm now at home, 8.30pm. I've wasted 3 hours of my life in the traffic.

I'm home now, a place I call home. I have a cute little metal board at my door step, saying 'Home is where Heart is'. I bought this little metal board when I first sign my S&P for my house, I can still remember the thrill of buying the house I love.

Now coming back to this place, I'm not even sure where the heart is, not to mention I call it home. I can call it a house, not home yet.

Tried buying flowers to cheer myself up, it works actually, some cheap 3.60 fresh flowers. I should have buy more, the 3 stalks of flowers looks quite pathetic in the big vase. I call myself stingy.

Now I shall make this place my HOME. Trying to make this as close as a place I wanted so badly for years.

Now whenever I come back, I can feel a pinch of bitterness lingering. This is all the cause, the start for all the hardship, and the mistake. How ironic it is, for owning a house of my dream, and yet it's the cause for every sorrow I endure.

I'm suppose to go to SG for an award night today. I hope Arise can win, it's our baby. Too bad I can't be there, I would love to see us win, if we can make it.

These days my drowsy driving is getting serious. I just can't get good sleep at night, and I can't even have a quality nap.
I have this sudden fear when I fallen into deep sleep, and I'll awake, trying to calm myself down, and fall back to sleep again. This repeatedly happened for months.

It is so much harder to let go than I imagined. It's not like a stain where you can just wash it off. It's a cut, a deep cut, repeatedly cut on the same wound, over and over again. Until the flesh can't grow back, the the wound is just there permanently.

Do you understand when all the things flash back every time I have my alone time? The gentle and care you given to the person you called baby?

It's heart wrenching when all the dots connected, and I looked through your eyes seeing denial. Trust me, if somebody else treat me in such a way, every bits of me will melts. Can't blame me for that, I need care too. Do you remember, I'm a female too?

It's a peaceful day today. The peacefulness after the storm.
I shall just enjoy this precious peaceful moment, and rethink again. It's not like we have much quality time and peaceful moment, imma savor this, slowly...into my memory.

会好的

再痛苦也会过去的，现在要做的只是把心一横。

受不了了，要怎么忍受呢？ 对别人的温柔？

再坚强，再倔强也不行。
你可以隐瞒得更好的，为什么不呢？

日复一日的争吵，心痛，无眠都好无聊哦。
干嘛我要把自己的自尊践踏，来建立在你们的快乐和幸福上？
有心也好，无心也罢。 不承认吗？那你当我傻子算了。

我就是傻，放下那么多的心。若我多虑一点，说不定今天就不是如此了。
话说回来，你真的当我幌子吗？ 我的温柔体贴是唾手可得？

这四面墙看起来好好笑。 你们都在笑我，就只有我在哭。
忍一忍，不怕不怕， 笑笑就带过了。

人生苦短，何为浪费时间在和你纠缠呢？
觊觎者，取之。

Terrified

This whole 1-2 months I experienced a lot of first time. Today I discovered the first time I can be so scared of being alone.
I take a deep breath, try to imagine days without you.

Emptiness, sorrow, deep grieve, tears, despair, disappointment, and loneliness.

But it's ok, it's not like I never been through this before, although the context is totally different.

Let's take a pick shall we? I rather suffer from all these, than being someone I hate.

Be calculative, become someone who is so insecure, perform badly on work, didn't want to talk to anyone, try to be lonesome.

I don't like myself like this. And every step I take I need to be considered, whether that will offend you? Stressed you? Suspicious? I still care deeply after all.

It's so upset to think about nothing but this now. How can I not have anything more important than this?

Let me swallow the numbness, and try to hold on the tears. Tears are not valuable when you dropped too much. I'm not that kind of girl, begging for symphathy.

I have two hands, one brain and one heart. Take it and leave.

Come home

Sometimes it just takes a month time to change something you so used to over years.

It's like when you discovered a really nice dress, and you look good on it, you'll stop wearing pants.

Mankind are greedy, when you have something, you will want other things as well, so am I.

I have my dreams, achieved, and yearning for more.

Want a house, but forgotten to wish for 'filled with love'

Want a career, but didn't come across wanting a 'companion'

Want to have friends, but didn't notice I don't have enough time.

Want happiness, but never get enough of happiness.

Sometimes it's good to just look at things in front of you, just whatever come to you.

Life is too short to think too much, who knows what can happen in the future? Mayan's prediction do you remember? The dooms day?

Let go, look further, open up, be normal, live happily.

And the person around me, the loved ones, all live happily.

 

Stop being one

I will NEED to stop being one, and be normal for a bit.
They said.

When I finally realize and start to appreciate, things go haywire.
I'm just holding a string, a thin long string. All it takes to break the tiny slim string can be anything, even an ant, to bite it off.

So...I'm begging myself. Don't step on your pride anymore, it's easier to said than done.
I'm horrified *self-slap*.

空间恐惧症

最近患上了空间恐惧症， 尤其是在家。
面对空无一人的家，感觉上和从前在外组房间没有不同，不同的是空间太大了。
哪怕就是那么几个小时的独处，都觉得寂寞在吞噬我。

这不是我。

从前的我每天就是一个人，独来独往，自得其乐。
这是怎么啦？

我以为一个人会成长。我怎么倒退了？
从前说好的洒脱呢，不屈呢，自信呢？

久而久之，裂痕就会越来越深，耐性很快就磨光，大家处事就更合理化了。
两极，这就是结局。

贤人对我说，会过去的。

对啊，会过去的，更坏我们也有过，结果也是令人发指，还不是生存下来了。

感情

感情投资下去了，那里有轻易抽离的道理。
这就是我痛心的理由。
连情感也投入了，就不是蜻蜓点水般简单。

难道我看不出来你的心疼吗？ 只是心疼的对象有异而已。
倘若我不断的奉承，谁人会记得曾经的伤痛？
不舍与怜爱就渐渐增加。

罢了，情感之事，岂能简单明了的说断了就断呢？ 大家是过来人，心照不宣。

Be grateful

Law of attractions rule of thumb. Be grateful.

I'm grateful for being here today, breathing, able to earn my own money and apply my wisdom.
I'm grateful for the people around me all the time, support me ups and downs.
I'm grateful for my parents who helped me in achieving my dreams.
I'm grateful for meeting so many kind people who contributed joy to my life.
I'm grateful for having someone to do my laundry, and wash the water filter.
I'm grateful for being thankful and forgiven at times, so anger won't troubled me for too long.
I'm grateful to have dinner mate and true friends, who can give me good advices and laughter.

Today, is the day for gratefulness.

压抑

要怎么压抑这股怒火，实在是火到一个不行了！
How am I suppose to hold on, without throwing things, without breaking down, without cursing, and NOT getting angry at anyone of you?

It's deep sadness, grief and broken trust which bothering me.
You know how much I trusted you, and you know how easy I am to trust you again. I just need a confirmation, and I'll be fine. But now, everything is in between.

Isn't it easy to keep everything under the rug? Isn't it easy to juggle your feelings, you know the line between friend and more than that. You know it well. That's why we have loads and loads of rooms, and I never say a word about you having so many close girl friends, because I trusted you.

Don't tell me that I'm thinking too much. You just don't realize the seriousness it can go. I'm just being stupid because I discover this early. I'm a girl too, I too have guys who tried to flirt with me, matter of layan-ing or not is another story. I've been there done that, I know all the tactics.

Do you think it's easy to not showing anything to you? Do you know the jealousy is killing me?
I'm not like me anymore, and we can't turn back time, can't go back to how we used to anymore.

I'm a victim. Yet I have to be strong, try to hold everything together, try to save the wonky situation.
I still have to see the walls when I'm home, thinking about your safety.
Swollen eyes and insecurity, what left for me are memories and dreams that I wish to achieve. As simple as just to spend some nice quality outing, and heart to heart talk.

How am I suppose to deal with this?

Tolerance level

Do you EVER wonder how high your tolerance can go?
I never know until NOW.

I always though my ego won't let me compromise things that I think is total wrong, however I did compromised, and keep giving in, giving way.

I know it's white lie, when  all these things are so obvious.
But I do feel safe, then you are by my side.

Told ya I want to be happy, and just happy.
Please don't do this to me will ya?

I've been there done that. You can't blind my eyes.
I know what exactly you are thinking in your head, and why the coincidence. Although I'm not seems like it, but I'm a girl too. I know, I've done all that, and I've heard enough stories.

What can I say? Waiting for the next time? And more next time?
How long can we hold on like this?

Let it be.

 These few days there's a sudden brief of relief, from all the trouble and doubts I had during the past few weeks.

I guess is because I confirmed the fact, and I know nothing much for me to do here already.
Option 1: Move on
Option 2: Move over

I'm choosing something in between irresponsibly. Hoping someone someday can choose a path for me.

I'm just gonna live my life, sip my coffee, take care of myself, and be happy.

Rational = coward

Happy 1 day belated birthday to myself.

I really need a Happy year. That's why so many people wishing me for happiness this time.


Happy birthday.


Officially 25. Quarter life.

I always know my tolerance level is high, didn't know is SO high, there's another baby in your life. Baby, such a lovely name. Baby.Baby.Baby..fts

I though my way of dealing with this, is rational. Is adult way. Is the best way.
Who knows I'm just being a farking coward.

I'm afraid to argue, afraid to heart break, afraid to cry, afraid to loose you.

I'm overestimating myself, and you.
Looking back, it's just an action of cowardliness. Someone is afraid, damn afraid, and choose to give in.

'My love is like ice cream in a cone, sometimes the ice cream is melting spill over the cone. But what I want is the ice cream inside the cone.'

Brilliant I would say, well said. Make everything so sensible and myself look like a dump ass accepting.


Faith and trust have been shattered all over. I want all, or nothing.

If this is the way you choose to live, I'll respect you.

I can live the same life as well, have another person to come to my life and keep me company.
Isn't this happily ever after?

Let's be it.

Looking back

Switched on my TV yesterday...ever since I subscribe the TV package, I have never sit down properly with you to watch the TV. 

Keep switching channel, and I stopped at a Jap drama.

All this while I've been heading forward blindly. Even before I know what I want, I made decisions, and only to realize what I really want. Most of the time, the thing I don't really want, I develop interest and move on.

Me being me. Realistic, not adventurous, anxious, eager to success. And somehow, all these doesn't match with you at all. I know that, and know that till today, you are still a happy dreamer, being force into a different lifestyle.

Looking back, were there fruits of hardships? Or just nothing remain the same, the success is just merely a process and illusions, without any taste victory?

勉励

小朋友，不要迷失自己。
你就是你，当你做什么都无补于事的时候， 就做自己吧。
难保世上某个角落， 有块瑰宝在等着你。
别伤了自己。

小朋友， 失落不是解药， 狠毒不是解脱。
什么都不做？

可能是解药吧。

让自己沉没在无尽的负面情绪。
物极必反， 反的时候就是好汉一条。

加油小朋友。