Out of reach

Emotions stirring like a mixer recently. Things just can't go as smooth as I wished.
Probably I need to go to pray at the 4 faced Buddha soon.

Have this very heavy feeling in side.
It's like you are given a very nice white house, shinning bright from inside out.
First you are very hardworking in keeping it clean. Then stains start to accumulate, and getting more and more.
Dirt is everywhere, unexpected attack from bugs, wall starting to have fungus, curtain is dusty, the linen is not white enough no matter how much bleach you use.

Then when everything come at once you are overwhelmed by the work. And give up, sit there and do nothing.

The stains are there permanently, can't be completely wipe off. Even you manage to clean the whole messy house, it won't be the old white castle anymore.

It's a bit strange using this example but I feel like it.

Everything in a mess, something can't be settle, something can do better but I can't do it, something is daily task which i ought to do which will take up my time, some thinking planning stuff which I suppose to learn but the discouragement is like the stain and dust. All clog up in my mind.

At the end of the day is the matter of myself. It's me who is the problem, if I'm someone else I wouldn't have so much problem.

I remember I told him about this: 'I'm afraid I'm not good enough for you.'
I guess I'm right.

Like my dear friend said, we only live once. So I have to live my life.

Another friend told me this, if you decided to continue, just suck it up.

ALRIGHT.