Friday, February 8, 2013
Talked to some of the colleagues a lot recently. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, I have support, emotionally.
This month I have traveled 4 times to BKK, around 20 days I'm not in the country.
Do you know how much I miss my own bed, the kitchen where I can move around to cook breakfast, the nearby hypermarket to do groceries shopping, weekend movie date...
Everything seems to be so mundane and boring, but it's actually the things that telling me where my root is.
3 months now.
I became more vulnerable since then. Emotionally I think the stress level I can take is lower. Loneliness is my enemy, hard feelings are bitch, blaming lower my self esteem. It's the missing of belongings. Like a float, floating to somewhere unknown.
I'm really exhausted. Today is the CNY eve, I missed my childhood, where I can feel excited over CNY.
These few days got a lot of emotions. Got sounded by someone, I'm rethink and rethink what am I lacking. Things are not just right or wrong, black and white. There's a lot of things in between, a lot of variance.
It's hard to explain when I already did my best, and still not enough. It's hard to explain sometimes when I need to take the blame, where I don't think I should be.
Whenever I stressed, I used to listen to lots and lots of music. Repeatedly listening to them and sing along. Few months ago I lost the ability to do that, all music sounds pathetic, sounds familiar to me. They recall the most original feeling I had during that period. That's why all I can listen to is some lame pop songs, repeat and repeat from the radio.
Nothing wrong about that, but when I sit down quietly, alone in the departure hall, I realize the thing I miss the most is still music.
That extra mile seems so far to me. He said I just need to work a lot more harder, hang on there and I will become very valuable. I used to be so confident, nothing I can't do.
Now I'm doubting myself, everything I do is not enough. Working hard is not enough.
Work hard and need to let people see you're working hard, in the right way is the path.
There's only so much I can do, with this exhausted body and exhausted mind. I thought I can have a peaceful rest day today, but still quite chaotic.
Headache is getting serious, been having headache whole day. The only thing I like to do is to look at you. That's the only time I feel the time is stopped, and I don't belongs and bound by anything.
Demotivated. I can't even afford to pay back my credit card debt. Not able to give my elders ang pow.
What for I worked like an arse?