Grown up

Have a short conversation with a friend yesterday.

Me: ' I feel boring this CNY, I never felt it this way.'
Friend: ' Isn't this normal when you grow up?'

True enough. Before the hardship I never grown. Now I'm grown.

Mommy asked me why didn't I got o any of the friends gathering, or reunion.
I'm lazy to even celebrate CNY, don't mention about looking for friends and gathering.
Work and all other stuff are occupying my mind, ALL. THE. TIME.

Headache most of the time, sleepy most of the time.
CNY is more like a day off to sleep, to rest, but not entirely correct.

I still standby for work, due to a lot of issue and insecurity.
Probably I need to rethink my future. My career especially.
Thing aren't going smooth since last year Q4. Emotionally, mentally and physically.
I hate the feeling of disposable, by anyone. In need only when I'm need-able.

But this is reality isn't it?
When you have no value for one to keep, it's time to dispose you. No matter how much effort you spent before, only the last mile count. No one will remember how much time and effort you poured in, but only the mistake you made and how silly you are to make such mistake. Soon they will judge you by the mistake and think you're rubbish because you can make such stupid mistake.

Just like how I think I've 'earned' my credit, by putting in patience, time, effort and TLC. It's all back to square when 'mistake' occur.

It's so suffering inside, I can't keep venting the same issue to the same person. Guess I can only vent it here.
Don't ask me to stop please, this is the only place I have to be true to myself. I just need to find peace, to fill the hole inside.