Human bubble

People asked me : did you make friends in Bangkok? There's so many handsome guys there!
Me: no.


The main reason there's is because I'm like a human bubble in Bangkok. People will stay away from me because they don't feel comfortable with me.

Partly because I speak English and they don't, and different background, nation, culture. Sometimes even they speak English, most of the time they don't get what I'm trying to say, or interpret wrongly.
It's sucks to be human bubble.

Even coming back here make me feel the same. Something missing here. One big hole need to be filled. There's no sense of belonging here.

Insecurity surrounding me all the time, coz I know no one will be with me now, no one exist in my top of mind, when I'm devastated and broken.

This CNY is very different. I have much time to think about work, and rethink how I spend my CNY last time.

I feel secure, even though we don't call or text each other much. Why? Because of that damn trust I have, and the secure feeling where I know I can always fall back to u when. I need to.

I know that I can be at other province without you, and still feel you all the time. Sometimes I bring back the plush toy, sometimes I look at your profile, read back the messages. It's all remind me of one thing. Someone is there for me.

这样一想，心里就踏实了。

I'm too arrogant with this kind of feeling. Too used to have this kind of feeling of always in need.
Now is my lesson to learn letting down by this stupid arrogant. Being beaten by this arrogant confident. Being let down by this security and trust.
It's so weird to have so much feeling during this happiest festive season of my life, except happiness.

There's only one way to make myself more needed by others. Is to increase my value of being 'used' by others.

It's a tough game, to make people remember me when they don't need me.