Heart

Been trying to do something good, always been in a good will. Trying to make people around me happy, trying to please everyone.

Although I might not successful a lot of times, but I have no bad intention at all.

Did something stupid today, trying to do something seemingly a goodwill, and require quite a lot of effort. But I didn't expect the response I expected.

Thinking twice, realize that people might take my help as something else, bad intention, spy intention, trying to bring him down...thinking about that sadden me.

What make a person be so defensive? I'm just a normal person, a normal friend who trying to be nice to my friend. What is wrong with that? What make trust so hard?

Another round of cold hard prove that hard work doesn't guarantee good outcome.
Maybe it's me, who always want to be in need, who constantly seeking for this satisfaction. Maybe they just want me to stay out?

I better be, I look too stupid today.

Out of reach

Emotions stirring like a mixer recently. Things just can't go as smooth as I wished.
Probably I need to go to pray at the 4 faced Buddha soon.

Have this very heavy feeling in side.
It's like you are given a very nice white house, shinning bright from inside out.
First you are very hardworking in keeping it clean. Then stains start to accumulate, and getting more and more.
Dirt is everywhere, unexpected attack from bugs, wall starting to have fungus, curtain is dusty, the linen is not white enough no matter how much bleach you use.

Then when everything come at once you are overwhelmed by the work. And give up, sit there and do nothing.

The stains are there permanently, can't be completely wipe off. Even you manage to clean the whole messy house, it won't be the old white castle anymore.

It's a bit strange using this example but I feel like it.

Everything in a mess, something can't be settle, something can do better but I can't do it, something is daily task which i ought to do which will take up my time, some thinking planning stuff which I suppose to learn but the discouragement is like the stain and dust. All clog up in my mind.

At the end of the day is the matter of myself. It's me who is the problem, if I'm someone else I wouldn't have so much problem.

I remember I told him about this: 'I'm afraid I'm not good enough for you.'
I guess I'm right.

Like my dear friend said, we only live once. So I have to live my life.

Another friend told me this, if you decided to continue, just suck it up.

ALRIGHT.

Learnings

Quick updates on some random thoughts recently:

1) No matter how far you can go, there's a limit. Squeeze as you like, it'll dry out.

2) Not all hard work pays off, when you are emotional affected you will see this even more.

3) People only appreciate light because there's darkness. There must be darkness to show light is precious. But darkness don't get credits.

4) If you pull yourself out of the situation, and put yourself in a very unfit shoes, you might see things differently. Unacceptable become acceptable.

5) Rich men are stingy men.

6) Some people are meant to do big things, those who are not meant to be need to do things big.

Manila Eyes Cream

Ahoy, Manila desu!

Reached yesterday night with hungry empty stomach, didn't dare to go out to hunt for food because there isn't any.
Can't sleep and have dizzy spinning night, weird that my body and mind is so darn tired, but still can't sleep.

Cebu Pacific Air is not as sweet as Thai airways, I know..can't compare right.
However yesterday was really...really bumpy. The plane hitting turbulent for more than 10 times I guess.
With an empty and gassy stomach, I felt really sick after that.

This morning I woke up at 6 to take breakfast, had stomachache in the afternoon in the middle of meeting.

This is so interesting, because at one side you try to take note of the meeting, another side your stomach is wrenching and you have to ....hhhooolllddd....hhoollldddd....

Do continue the story yourself when I go to the toilet and unload.

Besides that, Manila doesn't give me any special impressions. Things here are quite expensive, and I hardly see any food stall/ convenient stall nearby. I can't find any food to eat! Holy cheese!

The road is bumpy, the taxi is old, people driving dangerously, hardly find anything in good shape.
Worst is, I'm gonna have another round of Manila mania soon. Gonna come back here quite frequent until the launch.

OH MAI GAWD. Thinking about this make me dizzy.

*sob*

Peace of mind

I wish for my new year, from now onwards, everything will run smooth, whoever god there is to bo bi me, bo bi me more.

The suays go away, good things come to me, good emotions, good aura, good chi, good zen.
So I can attract good people, good people with good temper, good leng zhais, good money, good buddies.

This year I need to have more positive ion and aura, to wash away the negative charge.
Everything will be sun sun li li, ru ru yi yi.

To whom it may concern, please look over me. I gam xia.

骚动

那股骚动就好想一大堆的爬虫昆虫类往心里转。
转呀转， 爬呀爬。
转来转去还更痒了。

想，很想，没有办法，就那么的忍着呗。

还有多久

还能撑多久。
每天的心情好想快断了的绳子，一点一点的绷着。
好想就这样，什么都不管，消失在人群中。
可我就是那么一个没种的， 没种就这样消失。

人是很神奇的动物。
上一秒钟可以是天使，下一秒可以是恶魔。
我就在天使恶魔的拉锯下，把自己搞得不成形。
脑袋不能思考，干尽了蠢事。

对，我不甘寂寞，我懦弱，没志气，我是兔崽子。
我承认了，可是没有事情因这个而改变.
人的心死了，心能死得那么的死，死得干净利落，真是一门本领。

女人把一颗大树慢慢灌溉，希望长大结果。
男人把一颗大树慢慢的砍掉，希望在大树有生之年物尽其用 。
双方都没有错，大家都是希望一个好结局，只是上帝造人的时候就注定把他们区分，那样男女才会互相吸引。

主啊，祢无边的力量可以保佑我，带领我走到一条对的道路吗？
主祢大能的力量引领我，保护我，带我脱离苦难险恶，带我度过困难艰辛。
主我卑微的恳求祢，让我在黑暗中看到曙光，让我从新看到祢的安排。
主让我度过重重的考验，用祢的宝血遮盖我安慰我。
主我感谢祢。

奉主耶稣的名恳求祷告。阿门。

STFU you idiot!

Have a worst day EVER today.
I went to the temple and pray for smooth year this morning, and it turn out to be my worst day for the bright beginning for year of snake.

It's me again, it's always me.
Who else to blame? It's always me. My dad is right, I did the mistake. It's not me, but it's me. Just like how they frame me.

I can't help but to condense all my sadness together. Incident happened few months ago, the split, work issues, career path, and most of it is about us.

Sadness keep on compressing and compressing, and it become a very heavy burden in my heart.
Relatives asked me where are you, how are you...so on and so forth.

What can I say?

But this is not all, remember I have this very silly arrogant theory about priority?
I think I'm not entirely wrong for this theory. Everyone have a ruler in their heart. Who matter more, they will do more for that person.

Like after what happened today, I can only tell you. So there you go, come back to the same story of priority and ranking.
I try not to, but I can't, I will break down crying again if I keep it to myself.
Why do I have so much emotions lately? Last time I don't know I have so much emotions.

I took the hard way to wake myself up years ago, can't be falling back down again.

Friend asked me:' Can't you just show poker face to the person you don't like?'

I can't.

I can only be happy or sad. Poker face is never me.

I want my life back! The life before every shit happen, I just want a normal life back.
I don't want anymore surprise emails, no more hurtful vicious words, no more blames, no more sleepless night, no more tears, no more guessing, no more heartbreak, I want my music back, weekends movie, lay back Sundays, McD breakfast, great time lying on the bed and leave the whole world behind.

I just want my life back, to how it used to be. I'm not tough as I think I should be. Now STFU and get lost! 

Grown up

Have a short conversation with a friend yesterday.

Me: ' I feel boring this CNY, I never felt it this way.'
Friend: ' Isn't this normal when you grow up?'

True enough. Before the hardship I never grown. Now I'm grown.

Mommy asked me why didn't I got o any of the friends gathering, or reunion.
I'm lazy to even celebrate CNY, don't mention about looking for friends and gathering.
Work and all other stuff are occupying my mind, ALL. THE. TIME.

Headache most of the time, sleepy most of the time.
CNY is more like a day off to sleep, to rest, but not entirely correct.

I still standby for work, due to a lot of issue and insecurity.
Probably I need to rethink my future. My career especially.
Thing aren't going smooth since last year Q4. Emotionally, mentally and physically.
I hate the feeling of disposable, by anyone. In need only when I'm need-able.

But this is reality isn't it?
When you have no value for one to keep, it's time to dispose you. No matter how much effort you spent before, only the last mile count. No one will remember how much time and effort you poured in, but only the mistake you made and how silly you are to make such mistake. Soon they will judge you by the mistake and think you're rubbish because you can make such stupid mistake.

Just like how I think I've 'earned' my credit, by putting in patience, time, effort and TLC. It's all back to square when 'mistake' occur.

It's so suffering inside, I can't keep venting the same issue to the same person. Guess I can only vent it here.
Don't ask me to stop please, this is the only place I have to be true to myself. I just need to find peace, to fill the hole inside.

Human bubble

People asked me : did you make friends in Bangkok? There's so many handsome guys there!
Me: no.


The main reason there's is because I'm like a human bubble in Bangkok. People will stay away from me because they don't feel comfortable with me.

Partly because I speak English and they don't, and different background, nation, culture. Sometimes even they speak English, most of the time they don't get what I'm trying to say, or interpret wrongly.
It's sucks to be human bubble.

Even coming back here make me feel the same. Something missing here. One big hole need to be filled. There's no sense of belonging here.

Insecurity surrounding me all the time, coz I know no one will be with me now, no one exist in my top of mind, when I'm devastated and broken.

This CNY is very different. I have much time to think about work, and rethink how I spend my CNY last time.

I feel secure, even though we don't call or text each other much. Why? Because of that damn trust I have, and the secure feeling where I know I can always fall back to u when. I need to.

I know that I can be at other province without you, and still feel you all the time. Sometimes I bring back the plush toy, sometimes I look at your profile, read back the messages. It's all remind me of one thing. Someone is there for me.

这样一想，心里就踏实了。

I'm too arrogant with this kind of feeling. Too used to have this kind of feeling of always in need.
Now is my lesson to learn letting down by this stupid arrogant. Being beaten by this arrogant confident. Being let down by this security and trust.
It's so weird to have so much feeling during this happiest festive season of my life, except happiness.

There's only one way to make myself more needed by others. Is to increase my value of being 'used' by others.

It's a tough game, to make people remember me when they don't need me.

Exhausted

Talked to some of the colleagues  a lot recently. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, I have support, emotionally.

This month I have traveled 4 times to BKK, around 20 days I'm not in the country.
Do you know how much I miss my own bed, the kitchen where I can move around to cook breakfast, the nearby hypermarket to do groceries shopping, weekend movie date...

Everything seems to be so mundane and boring, but it's actually the things that telling me where my root is.

3 months now.
I became more vulnerable since then. Emotionally I think the stress level I can take is lower. Loneliness is my enemy, hard feelings are bitch, blaming lower my self esteem. It's the missing of belongings. Like a float, floating to somewhere unknown.

I'm really exhausted. Today is the CNY eve, I missed my childhood, where I can feel excited over CNY.

These few days got a lot of emotions. Got sounded by someone, I'm rethink and rethink what am I lacking. Things are not just right or wrong, black and white. There's a lot of things in between, a lot of variance.

It's hard to explain when I already did my best, and still not enough. It's hard to explain sometimes when I need to take the blame, where I don't think I should be.

Whenever I stressed, I used to listen to lots and lots of music. Repeatedly listening to them and sing along. Few months ago I lost the ability to do that, all music sounds pathetic, sounds familiar to me. They recall the most original feeling I had during that period. That's why all I can listen to is some lame pop songs, repeat and repeat from the radio.

Nothing wrong about that, but when I sit down quietly, alone in the departure hall, I realize the thing I miss the most is still music.

That extra mile seems so far to me. He said I just need to work a lot more harder, hang on there and I will become very valuable. I used to be so confident, nothing I can't do.
Now I'm doubting myself, everything I do is not enough. Working hard is not enough.
Work hard and need to let people see you're working hard, in the right way is the path.

There's only so much I can do, with this exhausted body and exhausted mind. I thought I can have a peaceful rest day today, but still quite chaotic.
Headache is getting serious, been having headache whole day. The only thing I like to do is to look at you. That's the only time I feel the time is stopped, and I don't belongs and bound by anything.

Demotivated. I can't even afford to pay back my credit card debt. Not able to give my elders ang pow.
What for I worked like an arse?

Sigh.

Bumpy road

Hang on there, hang on.

Trying to stay positive when the aura and whole feeling is not right.

Nothing been great happen since last year end.
But those are histories.

I think my biggest fear is when nobody needs me.
My achievement and satisfaction is when somebody really need me. Need me to be there, need me to operate, need my comfort, need my existence. Just whoever need me.

I knew it when somebody make me realize you don't need me anymore. It's uneasy.

When someone is doubting on me, I won't fight, I wont' argue, I will walk away and keep quiet.
In others eyes, probably I'm ridiculous.

I heard the sarcasm when you laughed, it's hurtful and disrespect.
I won't defend, deny because no matter what I do, is never better, never good. It's just wrong.

Many things are not alphabet,text, HTML or script. There's things beyond all these, which is love and trust.

The feeling of trust is like lying on a big pillow, bed of soft linen and still smelling the nice softener after-sun smell. It's something you will rely on, and you won't have any doubt on that.

It's the thing you don't need to keep asking, and you know it's there. There for you.
It's the feeling of you know somewhere in the world is where you belongs, the place you can always go back to.

It's rooted in your heart, somewhere deep where you know, it'll always be your's. I think this is how people can lead to marriage.

I don't create dots and lines, I am good at connecting the lines, but I'm learning to create the dots and lines. I need to learn.

I feel little, when things are not up to your standard, and I don't even know what is wrong with myself.
I did my best, tried my best, give everything I could. Still, working hard is not enough. I learned the hard way. But still can't figure out what the solution.

I can only continue to work harder, and harder, like a cow.

You don't treat cow as your partner, they are your slave and food on the plate.

Wake up.

Try (Harder)

Driving today, and heard this song from radio.
I broke down, sobbing and crying in the car, singing out loud and cry even more.

Must be the stress, I guessed.
Had a very bad weekend this week, work issues, and some other excuses which I didn't know the reason.
The following week gonna be even worst, but keep up, keep positive.
Cry is a good way to release, there's nothing I can make up the perception.
If someone can misjudge me by the things I don't even know I need to do, I will have my buffer time.
Time is hard, shit happens, now it's value vs worth to keep going on.

CNY coming soon, it won't be a peaceful one I know.