Be nice to yourself

It's awakening when friends of mine was shopping with me, and every shops I went in they will know I'll end up buying nothing.

Yes, girl, be nice to yourself. I think.

Maybe that's the right thing to do.


---

I used to have this fantasy, meeting someone who will treat me like a real precious, a princess maybe.
That's quite hideous dream but I think nothing wrong had that dream.
And here I come to realize that being nice to you, is not the same as treating you as someone important.

There's many forms and factors of love and compassion. Some pour in effort wholeheartedly, some feel loved by being loved.

Why let people screw you when you can be queen of yourself?

---

My weakness and my strength are being very emotional and very attached to people whom I care. Making decisions will be extremely hard when I have to make a choice, on the people I cared.

Again, why let yourself live under the attic, when you can live under a big mansion with Tiffany lighting, furnished with Christmas trees and Swaroski finishing. 

Pseudo work

Ya, I always do. I always do 120%.
When you think naively what you did is equal or a bit less than what you got, you're wrong.
I am wrong. I am so wrong after so long.

Started from the empty jar, filled with dreams, passion and admire. Days by days it got replaced with responsible, work and duty.
I didn't look at the empty jar for long, and I see there's nothing there. It's just an old jar.

All this while I believe in what I believed, be nice to people and you will have return.
Yesterday I was in an event, and my name card doesn't fit me in anywhere. Put up a big smile and be thick face. Shake hands, exchange name cards, and move on.

I never felt like this before, at least not during 9-6. It's so hurtful I can barely look at anyone. Tears is about to burst out, what I did is seriously cowardly, I escaped.

Something belongs to me, is being ripped off. From the pregnancy to the delivery, but the baby is taken away from me because I'm just a surrogate mother. A replacement, a second option, a back up plan.

Identity crisis. If you are not a fish, no matter how much you try to pretend you are, you are still a whale, a mammal. You will never be fish.

I've been asked, many times.
What have I done?
Seriously, I don't know, I can't calculate, I can't rewind my day in day out schedule.
But I know I wasted time, not without a reason.
Silence is all I can reply.

One genius told me before, some annoying fact.
'No boss will scream and yell at you for fun, they do it for a reason, for an explanation and solution.'
I was annoyed, but it's true.

One fine day I will learn not to remain silent. I should defend myself, with full of condident.

Stupidity can't cure

Rough rough rough morning today, things didn't get better, scratches my neighbor car today, of all the things I do, I did the most stupid thing one can ever imagine. My car is damaged, the neighbor's car is scratched.

Everything could possibly goes wrong, gone wrong.

I need positive vibe I know. But how?

Score board

For years, I thought I am achieving something, slowly but I am getting something out of hard work.
But it come to me that hard work doesn't justify anything.

Hard work is just a waste of time if nothing in return.

The bridge I built is falling apart, piece by piece.

It's just plain heartache seeing something I believe in, falling apart, turning into ash.
Moment like this, it's just too loud for a wake up call.

When you are too attached to one thing, even to your work, losing it ache your heart.

Japan oh Japan!

Japan is such an amazing country, it's magical, I told to many.
Since young I've been so in love with Japan culture. It started from a boring afternoon, when I finish watching tv2 Japanese drama, the MTV from W-inds. started all.

And that was 2002. 11 years since then.

Dreams come true

I used to dreamed about going to Japan on 2010 in my primary school time (way before I get crazy about W-inds.). Naively calculating how much I can earn after I start working, and save half of the money to go Japan.

All the ups and downs, after Fukushima nuclear incident, Japan is still standing strong. Finally, my dream come true on 30 Oct 2013.

Just some quick random feelings I have to this trip, and how I feel amazed by their spirit.


1. Japanese are patriotic Nation, they will speak to you in Japanese first even through you are obviously no clue on what they are saying.

2. No ugly Betty, like seriously. Everyone I see on the everywhere is well groomed, they might not be good looking, but they are well dressed, patiently put up layers of clothes, scarfs, high knee stocking and boots, blow and set the hair as exactly the way they seen on the magazine.

3. No Skin. Not sure whether it's autumn now, I see no skin at all, literally! Just the hand, I mean palm and the face, the rest of the body are all COVERED! Whether or not in black stocking or pantyhose, they are all covered.

4. Cheap store. Although their standard of living is so freaking high, I felt that they are still very considerate about middle class people. A very good example, Daiso. Everything is 100yen, affordable in good quality.

Yummy Matsuya Gyudon with Miso eggplant, 480yen.

Tsukimi soba 600 yen.

Famous Ichiran Ramen, 780 yen.

Super yummy Coco Ichibanya curry rice, around 680 yen I think @__@

5. Cheap food. As above, they have very expensive-can-cry food, but they have very cheap and affordable food, such as Yoshinoya and Matsuya. 280 yen for a bowl of delicious stew beef rice, come with complimentary ocha and cold water. What can you ask for?

6.Like Mr Boon said, Japanese language is like songs to ear to listen to. Of course, provided if you like the language. It's gentle, polite and anime-like.

7. Don't doubt this, you will start to bow sooner or later!

8. They don't look 'down' at cheapskate *yes, me*. In most of the chinese (or rather Asian countries), freebies always associate with cheapskate. But although as much as we used up all the free vouchers, and take free toiletries, it's 'normal' to them and they respect us as their up-most customer.

9. Japanese is the most innovative+ intuitive people. Simple example: their toilet. Maybe not all, but most of their toilets are intuitive. Once you enter, clear label there's Japanese toilet (squat toilet) and Western toilet (sitting style). Once you sit down on your warm-welcoming toilet bowl, flush sound start playing. Wonder why? Because it's detect by sensor. While you are doing your business, no sound can be heard because it's covered by the fake flush sound. After you done, worry not. Just a few buttons your will feel water spray on your you-know-where plus blow dry. Stand up and flush will perform automatically. Your hand reach out to the basin and water come automatically.

Nation of intuitive UI and UX. You win.

Oh, and the toilet usually smell quite nice.



TBC, too busy with work.

Keep Calm and Visit Japan

Themes

Themes of the week:

天将降于大任，必先饿其体肤，劳其筋骨。

Love is painful, literally.


What does Oct 27 even mean? Full of fear and insecurity.
If I can ignore what happened back then? I can choose to ignore but they are like film roll playing in my mind, again and again. I want to ignore, seriously. God help me to erase them, distract my mind with wonderful happy feelings.

Mood, work, and every other things are not exactly well. So temporary just drowned by all these feelings. I will be fine.

It's just 'me' again.

Boiling point

As much as I'm trying to clam myself, trying to cheer myself up, this time I'm really can't get over the feelings.

The anger, the frustrations, the forever looping vicious cycle, the unfair, the desire to take a break.
The picture above basically sum up what I'm gonna do next.

It's so hard when you don't have a proper channel to let loose, of all the anger you have.
Luckily I still have my blog.

In this world I think only a few know what my feelings is, and understands it.
It's not easy to stay positive, when you have no colleague who can be with you. I'm always in this odd position, whereby there's only so much you can say to your friends, just because they are your 'client'.

Cant' spread negativity to your co-worker, can't spread to your friends, so it just burning inside.

It's so hard this time. I need power to keep me moving. May Lord stay with me, give me strength and power to move on.

Torn Apart

After a road trip during the weekend, I though my reset function is working just fine.
But I was wrong.

I can't get over being blamed for something not entirely my fault, and the inner anger is still burning.

It's just the beginning of every shit you can imagine.

Stop crying and suck it up.

Dr.Huddy

Watched House yesterday and that episode, they finally got together.

They are the cutest character in the series. They act like kids, bully each other and play prank on each other like kids. Remember how you will do if you have secret crush on a fella during primary school?

You'll flip her skirt, punch him, mess up his homework, poke him from the back during class. Attention seeking it is.

This is how they do it exactly, except the 'adult' way.
He smashed her toilet bowl, hired PI to stalk on her.
She throw away his sticks, changed his drugs, steal his office.

But when problems come, they worry about each other, always keep an eye for each other.

There's a fine line there they wouldn't want to cross. They are afraid, if they go admit that feeling, bad things happen.

They won't be friends anymore, and they will not feel good about each other. They know they are 2 unfit puzzles, but they secretly loving each other. Always protecting each other, looking out one another.

They are afraid, adult first world problem.

The jerk know he'll always be a jerk. The lady know he will always be.

But they did it. In one life and death event, they did it.
It's happy, warm and full of laughter. No argument, only sweet smile and stupid jokes.

Then, before Cuddy left the house, House said, this is not going to work.
Crushed.
They messed up the fine line, hence everything crumble.

Can they go back to how they used to? I don't think so.
But stop loving each other? They can't.

The moment they say goodbye, they have fear, doubts and insecurity.  All the wrong feelings punching their tummy, rational telling them wrong, feelings messing everything up.
They know this is not the right thing to do. Love is not everything.

The potion of love, is not love alone.

There's always other things which come together in a package.

Responsibilities, insecurities, comfort, company, time, families, pet, even your god-damn bad habit come together.

Love is nothing, in compare to all these.

That's why many people are in love, not many made it to the last.

Sacrifices is the key. How much are you willing to?

Pain in the ass

Fenn's farewell gift. Bye Fenn!

These few days, shit happened non stop.
Why can't some pain in the ass be removed?

Some people are just plain ass hole, with no responsible and consideration at all.
If you can't even be responsible for one minor thing, why bother to earn money? You don't deserve your pay grade.

---

Change place again. Now moved to a darker corner, with lots and lots of sweets in front of me.
I'm glad that I'm in the plan to be moved. But I hate ants crawling on it.

 ---

Unfinished stuff hits round and round. There's always new priority riding on top of another.
Sucks.

 ---

Just hold on for a while, and I will be in my dream country soon!

Happy birthday!!!!! To meeeeee~

One step at a time

One small step to reach out further, I did it today.

Not sure how it will turn out, but at least I see something else, another side of the blue sky instead of my own sky.

---

Don't know what's wrong with me today, keep making mistakes.
I spilled a whole bowl of curry on my WHITE table and floor, not to mention table runner.
Took the whole night to clean it and now I have no time to watch House. DAMN.

Then I accidentally burn a shirt while ironing it, WHITE shirt.

Then I have to mop the floor again coz I smell curry all over.

Now I'm too tired to watch House. But to send some emails.


---

Something is not right recently, smell something really funny.
Got to see some real faces and sucky personality today, and realize corporate world is never easy, never simple. I'm just lucky to witness them.

Hopefully everything turn out well. I do hope so.

Escape

Think positive girl.

As much as I want to, but I just don't have the energy anymore.
Even driving back home is a disaster, sitting in the living room thinking about the next day is dreadful.

Words turn into lah lah lah to me after some time. And my face can't hide, stoned and blacked.

I wonder how to reset this time.

Law of Attractions

Yay! Prayers heard, no Philippines this week, till next week~

Togetherness

So much have happened recently, I just choose to switch it off and reset.
I told my dear co-wokers, I have this ability to 'reset' feelings and things, I will feel normal after I do that.
But I think reset button have usage limitation. Somethings will just keep coming even after restart.

I'm flying off again next week, will be a darn tiring trip, the hours are crazy. But what am I to complain when I know great minds out there, they don't even sleep!

They enjoyed working 24/7, enjoyed invent something cool, and achieved something at the end of all the hardship. Success ain't easy, need to earn it.

---
The past Thursday was mid autumn festival, it's my lunar birthday, my favorite chinese festival of the year!

There's so many memories about this day, my family used to celebrate my birthday on this day, it's more important than my actual day.

This year for some reason, I didn't manage to go back and celebrate. The feelings is kinda weird.
It's important but only you know it. My mom called and expected I'll have something on, but apparently I just enjoy the day off (MC actually) and just past the day.

I appreciate my childhood, for having families to celebrate special days with me. Sitting outside of the front yard in my Granny's house, sharing mooncake and pamelo, drinking chinese tea.

---

I need to do something really therapeutic, something I can recover my tiredness of life. Something that worth for me to feel recharged for a week.

I missed the time I have friends who are close to you, concern about you and will grow with you. Togetherness ain't easy.

People can sit in one car but their mind are far apart. Sitting in the same table but keep looking at the phone screen. Working together but don't know each other life story.

I need a getaway badly, it's bad enough I just feel like stop doing whatever I'm doing, and do nothing.

---

'Smart' people inspire me a lot. I started to make a move, at least to carve out something. It might be shapeless still, one day I will knowwhen the day has come.

Dear smart people, I hope we can still share stories and inspiration even when you are in a different universe.

Do nonsence lah

This is what I said, trying too hard. #domorelah, do WHAT? do MORE WHAT?
And what with that...erm...mascot?

Well done Malaysia.

Flowers

Feeling super happy with the flowers this week~ I don't know what this call but I've seen this many this in bridal bouquet.

Best RM8 invested so far~

Bless

Feel grateful that I have my shelter, my vehicle to bring me to work.
Feel grateful for the co-workers I met in work, they are beyond nice to me.
Thankful for any happiness I manage to laugh about, a good meal, good coffee, nice comfy bed, clear crisp water, sunny windy weather.

Grateful for supportive parents and friends, who support me in any form, with anything they can. My parents are awesome!

Thankful for the opportunities I have in different stage of life.
Thankful for many experience I had, who taught me lots of life lesson and how to deal with feelings.

Thank you.

Growing

Something in this world happen not by chance, not by arrangement, not by effort. Is by nature.
Just like how new born baby know how to cry, new born horse know how to gallop, fish can swim with no one teaching, we can breath with zero coaching.

Growing a plant is the same too.

We water the plant, leave it aside and the seed will turn into greens. That's simple.
You will not expect the seed to turn green, because there's nothing to expect. It's nature.
You can expect the plant to have red/ white/ blue flowers, or even fruits. But growing up into a plant is not within expectation. It's a process, is a cycle.

Some people existence is so natural, is like a breath of air.
You will never fear there's no air, there's always air.
Comfortable, essential and invisible.

I will learn to grow slow.
I finally realize the plant is not a fruit plant. It's a leaves plant.
Nothing to expect, just hoping the growing will continue.

What's the point?

There's a news came out yesterday about this old couple, who hated each other so much, they slaughter each other just for RM 20.

News link: http://www.nanyang.com/node/557871?tid=460

What's the point?
If they are not meant for each other, why bother to hurt each other? Why brutally slashing each other and in the end hurting not only yourself, but the people around you?

这么近那么远

当别人问我最近怎么样的时候，我都说还不错。
还不错，因为少了最头疼的烦恼，剩下的我都觉得可以解决的，把那些烦恼留给工作，把压力留给自己。 我可以的。

一根针扎进心里，别小看它，它那么的锐利，偏偏扎中心里，疼也拔不出，看又看不见。

从前被批判，嘴巴太大，说话太多。
自此之后我都选择能忍就不说，自己能解决就不说。不能解决的更加不用说。
久而久之，能说话能倾诉的能力就渐渐弱了。
就好想用华语，用口诉说心里的话，渐渐说话表达能力就弱了。说出来的往往只是重点，没有修饰没有描述。直白得肉酸。

好想说话，当我低靡的时候谢谢你陪我说了不少话。虽然重复重复的说这一样的话题，一样的心情，可是原来要听那么无聊的话题也是一门学问。

好想说话，好想说我想说的话，好想无忧无虑的说话，不用担心什么人不高兴，不用管什么人会对我又偏见。

以前想要的， 现在还是一样的。

Fiery peri-peri weekend

That's how much foooooood I had during last weekend *fat mood on*


Being very moody out of nothing, and end up having a very restless and very emotional weekend.
But on a bright side, it end up not bad, at least mood got adjusted a bit.

Luckily I didn't choose to blog that time, coz I know the reason is really SH.
I feel SH most of the time when I'm so passionate about something and I don't get response.
But who cares, my memory is like fish brain, I won't remember the next day.

Stop thinking what I want...enjoy the moment and be happier each day.

Keep fresh and carry on

 

Dreams

I always dream of falling since young.
The most frequent one is walking down from staircase, big steps, I can never see the next step in front, and always end up free falling.

Google a bit:

Fall

To dream that you fall and are not frightened signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.    

To dream that you fall and are frightened indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may also imply that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.

To dream that you are free-falling through water indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. You may feel that it is easier to give up, then to try to stay afloat or prevent yourself from going under. 

To dream of the fall season indicates that something is about to come to an end and something new will begin. Alternatively, the dream is symbolic of the cycle of life. It is time to collect the benefits and rewards that you've worked so hard for. 

I dream less of falling, but on and off there's still the same dream.

Feels like Alice in the Wonderland falling into the rabbit hole. Unknown, can't get hold of anything. Just waiting for myself to reach the ground.

I've been pondering, what's good to do, what's not good to do.

All my life I've been indecisive. 

Could be my habit, hard to make up my mind, letting the situation leads me instead of the other way round. 

In a way, my brain is refuse to plan for future, to predict and to think. This questions appear many times recently.

What. do. you. want.

I stoned for good 10 second in front of an important person, and I'm totally speechless.

Again feel like falling into a hole of thoughts. Many random thoughts but nothing concrete enough for me to construct a sentence, ' I want to.....'

Want to move forward, fear for challenge.

Want to make a change, fear to get rid of my habit.

Want a peace of mind, fear to think about problems.

Been tango-ing like this every time I can't make decision. 

As I'm writing this, my mind is still like a f up mash mallow. Don't know what I want seriously.

Think harder.

---

There's a serious conversation carry out by one of my important influencer.

I did my usual venting-of-the-angry-moment.

Maybe venting too much will become extremely annoying. 

All of sudden he force me to confront to my own weakness. 

'If you keep on thinking like this, NO ONE can help you seriously.'

Wake up call. A big heavy wake up call.

Despite the lecture, it still doesn't help in my soul searching.

Maybe I should experience something big, to inspire myself to live my life.

 

The August

Obviously out of title to write. So here I am.
Manila again.

Normally when I'm in Manila, I have thoughts to write things down.

Spent a long day with the mentor, and again, same feeling, feeling small.
Being asked again what I vision myself to do, what I prefer to do, what I want for my career, what's the path I like...I'm like...blank. Completely blank.

Such a LOSER.

Is either work extra hard for it, or work extra smart for it. The later sounds more imposible.

---

Kinda 'lost' a friend recently. When there's no more reply, I know there won't be anymore sincere reply.
Thanks for all the support and comfort you did for me, you will be remembered I guess :)

Feeling empty.

---

Talking to genius and intelligent people make me sounds extremely bimbo and dumb.
Remind myself not to get into 'entrepreneur' -like people, nerds sometimes are cute, but can be very very annoying at times.

---
Sent a wrong article to a future dad one day. And I got cold treatment.
But well, it's a truly touching piece. I wanted to share with you all.

Credit to the sweetest husband and the toughest dad: http://timothytiah.com/2013/08/04/a-letter-to-my-future-son/

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known

When you were standing in the wake of devastation 
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown  
And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now  
You were there and possibly alone
 
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go, let it go.
 
And in a burst of light that blinded every angel  
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars  
You felt the gravity of tempered grace,  
Falling into empty space  
No one there to catch you in their arms
 
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation 
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go, let it go
 
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go, let it go
Let it go Let it go Let it go Let it go

 
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known 
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go, let it go

Timeless

All pictures credited to greeweddingshoes.com

If there's one word to describe the pictures, Perfect it is.
look at the hair piece, vintage gown, so timeless.
Breathtakingly beautiful.

Make up my gloomy Thursday morning.

And NO, I shared this not because I wanted to get married, nothing to do with that.
It's just stunning.