Little things I need to improve this year

I snapped easily, all this while. People who know me know thinks that I am a bunny with that Bitch face on. But trust me, or ask my brother. I SNAP, all the time.

I used to fight with my brother quite badly because I always angry at him.
I get angry with the world, get angry when I was little why I'm not grown up, get angry when adults tease me fat, piss off when people ask me to do things, serve drink etc.

Reality teach me that the world doesn't evolve around me, I'm nothing. Lay low and just please everyone, as many as you can.

Recently I met one very interesting person. A totally opposite person who I am greatly disagree with.
He choose to ignore his root, he choose to insist on one thing he believe, he choose not to give in, not to tolerate with other because 'he believe so'. He even disrespect his grandparents because he refuse to give in.

In this society... there's really too many situation that we need to change, give in, tolerate, and improvise. Insist on something in one thing, why can't you be considerate when come to socializing?
I don't agree with this, BIG TIME.

However, that aside, back to the title.

I need a small resolution, or rather things I need to do.

1. Learn not to care about many things, too much.
- I already learn not to care about work too much, maybe a bit lesser.
- Step back
- When things are not in your way, give way and move on

2. Resting bitch face must be improved

3. Steady, not to be too emo

4. Be cool, be me, be interesting again. Be the person I'm proud to be, and be the person I want other people to look up to.


Not too hard right?

New year what? Resolution?

So I'm not in the mood to write a new year resolution this year, but let's see how much I've accomplished for last year resolution. Reading back is quite funny.

1. To keep up with healthy lifestyle
I hate to lose weight last time, because I've been using the wrong method. starving myself and very little exercise. Now that I found the correct way, I feel good even though my progress is super slow,  and my weight have been stagnant at 60kg for quite a few months now. But who cares, I feel good, feel my muscle toner, self impressed by my tiny weenie abs line, and most importantly I'm not emo!

STILL STAGNANT AT 60KG.

2. Work harder for the right reason
Work harder-- I told myself. But this year I will work harder for the right reason. Working hard doesn't mean anything. This year has been an eventful awful year, a lot of effort have washed down the drain. Now I need to think wiser, work harder for the right reason.

Maybe I worked less harder now, should work harder again this year.

3. Smile more
Many people who don't know me will think I must be the fiercest person in the entire building, something bad must be happened to me.
I. HAVE. SHIT. FACE, I mean naturally my face is shitty.
It's hard...to smile, so I must smile more so less people will think I'm a crazy bitch.

STILL SHIT FACE.

4. Read more meaningful stuff
I really dislike reading. But this is the only way to be more intelligent, so not forcing to read 'book', but anything which is nutritious.

Hard to judge for this, but for sure I'm not reading 'BOOK'.

5. Cook in a more presentable manner
I love cooking, but I always cook in the more convenient way, with least utensils possible, and no presentation at all. I shall learn how to cook more presentable food.

Improving, can be better.

6. Feel grateful
This year has been quite bad. When I say bad, is really bad. I had so much emotions all the time, but after that I learn to be grateful. It could be worst. So I should do this even better this year.

Not bad, I'm quite grateful for what I have. Occasionally emo but let's blame it on hormone.

7. Invest in myself
One of the article I read, the common thing that successful people have, is they love to invest in themselves. To keep improving, to make yourself more valuable. This year, I must sign up to at least ONE flower arrangement class, the rest can add to the list.

Nope, haven't invest in myself yet.

8. Spend more time with family
Another year older, another year wiser. I should spend more time, go back hometown more frequently while I can.

Failed. Didn't went back home town as frequent as last time.

9. Spend less money on food
Step one to save money. Stop spending so much on food and groceries.

Yeah for this I did it! I throw less rotten food than last time.

So you think you can be nice?

Yeah, you read it right. The nature of my job is full of selfish people and bad competition.
I might be too naive at first, but I always bear in mind that people are not always think the same as me. They might be little bit more evilish than me but heck, I just want to be nice to people and do my job.

From all my previous job, they are non sales related. People genuinely are nice and not that selfish. Probably they are self centered for certain purpose, KPI for example, but not that selfish.

I began to recognition the fact that I be nice to people, doesn't mean a shit. Being nice= I can be bullied. Being nice means I'm harmless.

And hence, different color from different faces appeared. Some murdered you at the back, and smile at you in front.

Some murdered you and not smiling at you, and you realize you're dead meat long after.

The amateur one tried to stab you front and back, and you found out. And still you need to smile at them, just because it's your job to do so.

In few years time is either I turn to become one of them, or I can't take this shit anymore and walk away. To get out of this, is either you climb, climb to the top and become someone, or walk away.

People used to tell me that there are no friends in work place. Guessed I'm spoilt by good people who treated me real nice in all my previous job.

I miss having team mates and ally, who I can trust and we open with each other. We love each other and we achieve the same goal. We selflessly help each other because we can.

Time to grow up girl!

 

People changed, me too.

It's funny to think back how much I've changed... like really a lot.

First of all, physically.

2015!

2013...damn fat!

2012!

2011!Normal sized!

2009...I think my face don't change much.

Enough of myself.

I dislike lots of stuff last time. Furry pets, flowers, men, house chores, cooking etc.

Funny how people changes.

I love all of the above now!
I love flowers, it's a weekly affair although it's wasting money. I feel delighted every morning when I see fresh flowers on the table, and that satisfying feeling when I manage to get a fresh bouquet of flowers.

I used to walk away from dog, as far as possible. But now it's my dream to have a big dog of my own!
Where I can walk my dog, pet him when I back home, someone who I can commit to his life.

I'm excited to know what is ahead of me, how much I will change in another 10 years time.
I hope I am slimmer in 10 years time :)

Mental abuse

I can't remember the last time I have fear towards people.
Mental abuse I almost can say so.

The feat that I have that whatever I do, I felt like idiot in front of you.
Whatever shit I say I have to think twice, to make myself sound less like a fool.

Maybe is not what you meant, but it's hard to see when we used to be ally and now become someone close to a stranger.

I should do something, but maybe I should clear my mind first.

I want to feel Alive

It's hard to explain such feeling really, the slow death kind of feeling, the sun ray appear sometimes and sometimes not.

It's so hard, super hard, very effing hard not to care. Whenever I try to think, I will do the completely opposite thing. In my mind is, how long can I do this for you? Not long right. Will I regret if I didn't love you as hard as I can? Yes I will. So I love hard.

Surrounding seems like doesn't matter anymore, I try to matter them. Try to prioritize work, try to prioritize everything else. I am trying.

It's a habit of effing 7 years. To like what you like to do, love what you love to eat. Buy your treats although it's oversupply at home.It's sweet doing that, until then.

When I look into mirror I see someone who is extremely tired. Physically and mentally.
Not sure why, tired of trying? Tired of loving so hard? Tired of waiting?
I just grow older over weeks, I see wrinkles, I can't go out without make up.

Finally I reach this stage.

Will I be a better person? God?

Love Me Like You Do

I think I'm extremely afraid of being alone, or being left out.

When I first heard this song, I kinda echoed.

Love me like you do will you?

You're the light, you're the night
You're the color of my blood
You're the cure, you're the pain
You're the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

You're the fear, I don't care
Cause I've never been so high
Follow me to the dark
Let me take you past our satellites
You can see the world you brought to life, to life

So love me like you do, love me like you do
Love me like you do, love me like you do
Touch me like you do, touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?