Fear

It's like a cycle, a vicious cycle hitting me times and times.
When I finally have some free time, be it free to take some air, drink water or just freeze myself, I'll have a bitter feeling lingers.

Everything I'm doing seems wrong. Work is in a mess, life is as well.
I'm enjoying every single bit of peacefulness now, who knows this is the last time I can enjoy peace.
I'm appreciating every single bit of things you've done for me, and the celebrations we had. One day these memories will stay in my mind, I hope they will be a good memory.

Somebody please teach me how can I turn back to who I used to be? My life used to be simple.
There's no sleepless night, drowsy driving and tired body at work.
It's like slashing one big part in your heart, even breathing is difficult.

What I want is just to gain back what I used to have last time, handful of confident and happiness.
If controlling brain and mind can be as easy as switching on and off. 

So messy

My life is like this now.

The likes

This shall be the happiest blog post in the longest time. I will buy myself a bouquet of nice flower this Saturday. Girl, you deserve it, you deserve a better treatment and tender loving care.

*picture courtesy of Greenweddingshoes.com

A place I call home

I left the office 5.30pm today, have a 6.30 appointment at a 7 min drive location. I reached there 7.30. Brilliant traffic and superb sense of direction.

I'm now at home, 8.30pm. I've wasted 3 hours of my life in the traffic.

I'm home now, a place I call home. I have a cute little metal board at my door step, saying 'Home is where Heart is'. I bought this little metal board when I first sign my S&P for my house, I can still remember the thrill of buying the house I love.

Now coming back to this place, I'm not even sure where the heart is, not to mention I call it home. I can call it a house, not home yet.

Tried buying flowers to cheer myself up, it works actually, some cheap 3.60 fresh flowers. I should have buy more, the 3 stalks of flowers looks quite pathetic in the big vase. I call myself stingy.

Now I shall make this place my HOME. Trying to make this as close as a place I wanted so badly for years.

Now whenever I come back, I can feel a pinch of bitterness lingering. This is all the cause, the start for all the hardship, and the mistake. How ironic it is, for owning a house of my dream, and yet it's the cause for every sorrow I endure.

I'm suppose to go to SG for an award night today. I hope Arise can win, it's our baby. Too bad I can't be there, I would love to see us win, if we can make it.

These days my drowsy driving is getting serious. I just can't get good sleep at night, and I can't even have a quality nap.
I have this sudden fear when I fallen into deep sleep, and I'll awake, trying to calm myself down, and fall back to sleep again. This repeatedly happened for months.

It is so much harder to let go than I imagined. It's not like a stain where you can just wash it off. It's a cut, a deep cut, repeatedly cut on the same wound, over and over again. Until the flesh can't grow back, the the wound is just there permanently.

Do you understand when all the things flash back every time I have my alone time? The gentle and care you given to the person you called baby?

It's heart wrenching when all the dots connected, and I looked through your eyes seeing denial. Trust me, if somebody else treat me in such a way, every bits of me will melts. Can't blame me for that, I need care too. Do you remember, I'm a female too?

It's a peaceful day today. The peacefulness after the storm.
I shall just enjoy this precious peaceful moment, and rethink again. It's not like we have much quality time and peaceful moment, imma savor this, slowly...into my memory.

会好的

再痛苦也会过去的，现在要做的只是把心一横。

受不了了，要怎么忍受呢？ 对别人的温柔？

再坚强，再倔强也不行。
你可以隐瞒得更好的，为什么不呢？

日复一日的争吵，心痛，无眠都好无聊哦。
干嘛我要把自己的自尊践踏，来建立在你们的快乐和幸福上？
有心也好，无心也罢。 不承认吗？那你当我傻子算了。

我就是傻，放下那么多的心。若我多虑一点，说不定今天就不是如此了。
话说回来，你真的当我幌子吗？ 我的温柔体贴是唾手可得？

这四面墙看起来好好笑。 你们都在笑我，就只有我在哭。
忍一忍，不怕不怕， 笑笑就带过了。

人生苦短，何为浪费时间在和你纠缠呢？
觊觎者，取之。

Terrified

This whole 1-2 months I experienced a lot of first time. Today I discovered the first time I can be so scared of being alone.
I take a deep breath, try to imagine days without you.

Emptiness, sorrow, deep grieve, tears, despair, disappointment, and loneliness.

But it's ok, it's not like I never been through this before, although the context is totally different.

Let's take a pick shall we? I rather suffer from all these, than being someone I hate.

Be calculative, become someone who is so insecure, perform badly on work, didn't want to talk to anyone, try to be lonesome.

I don't like myself like this. And every step I take I need to be considered, whether that will offend you? Stressed you? Suspicious? I still care deeply after all.

It's so upset to think about nothing but this now. How can I not have anything more important than this?

Let me swallow the numbness, and try to hold on the tears. Tears are not valuable when you dropped too much. I'm not that kind of girl, begging for symphathy.

I have two hands, one brain and one heart. Take it and leave.

Come home

Sometimes it just takes a month time to change something you so used to over years.

It's like when you discovered a really nice dress, and you look good on it, you'll stop wearing pants.

Mankind are greedy, when you have something, you will want other things as well, so am I.

I have my dreams, achieved, and yearning for more.

Want a house, but forgotten to wish for 'filled with love'

Want a career, but didn't come across wanting a 'companion'

Want to have friends, but didn't notice I don't have enough time.

Want happiness, but never get enough of happiness.

Sometimes it's good to just look at things in front of you, just whatever come to you.

Life is too short to think too much, who knows what can happen in the future? Mayan's prediction do you remember? The dooms day?

Let go, look further, open up, be normal, live happily.

And the person around me, the loved ones, all live happily.