Busy bee

i always complain that I don't have enough time, I'm busy, I'm tired...
I guess that's the best way to fill up myself so I have all my free time occupied. No time to think about non sense, no time to be insecure, no time to feel low self esteem, no time to think about incident that I wish I could do better.

I live so hard, all my life till now. I believe I live hard, so much so when I have freedom to not living so hard, I become soulless like piece of shit. I'll become someone I dislike, someone so empty inside that all I wanna do is just watch tv.

I guess I just have to work on this a little more, to chase away that tiny voice in my brain.

BIG THREE-OHH!

I AM FINALLY THIRTEEEEE THIS YEAR!
I never knew this day will come so soon. Age is just a number, people said.
But to me this thirty it means SOMETHING. Some milestone or  achievement that I have reached.
That explains why am I so insecure last year, coz I don't think I've carve my milestone, and my 20s is up.

I shared an awesome birthday with people whom I love and will continue loving.

Bit first, one thing I wanna do to myself, is to love myself.
That's why I give myself half a day to truly indulge in the thing I like the most--FLOWERS.

Had a great session with the flower guru I like the most. At least this is what I like the most so far.
It's therapeutic, very useful, and nothing is more recharged than inhaling beauty.

I like this pic the most with my team. I feel like a team with the team while I have a team XD

 And there it goes. Flowers marathon! My mom sent me flowers, and that never happened!
I'm so touched that my mom and dad sent me flowers.

 And since I like flowers, they gave me a flower cake. My TXM.

 And then I had the bestest awesomest freakish amazing card EVER. It brought tears to my eyes and it still do now.

 Bf made a A+ effort too! He's 0 in creativity but he is practical, and he feeds me. That's good enough :)

These are the brother and sisters I never had.

 I laughed...so ...hard.
And it warms my heart all the way to the core.

Am I the luckiest girl in the world~

Missing home

It's been 2 months or so since I last went home. My mom is quite busy, that's why usually this 3 months of the year I don't go home.

Talked a lot today, like a verbal diarrhea kind of talk.

That 2 hours of comfort, no chest pain, not feeling suffocated, it's good.
I've been having great stress recently, at least that's what I thought. And my body is reacting towards my stress. Emotionally i'm ok, not feeling paranoia or any negative. But my body raise alarm to show me how much stress I'm facing.

Talked so much today that we dissect why am I feeling such a way.
One thing. INSECURITY.

Insecure about job, about future, friend is leaving to another job, about not having someone who I can talk to, insecure about having to change the way it is now, insecure about how small I am actually vs. how confident I am to myself.

It'll go away soon. I just don't like the pain on my chest and having difficulty to breath.

------

I can't remember the last time I had such verbal diarrhea on a weekday. It's extremely therapeutic and at this point of time, highly necessary.

When I told my friends, I always talk to myself, having conversation to myself. They think I'm something wrong.
In fact I just picture someone in my mind, and I keep talking to that someone. It's clams my uneasiness, as if someone agrees with me.

-----
I'm 29.9999 now, turning 30 in 2 days time.
I'm proud of who I am today, and I'm grateful for not having too many regrets in life. I did most of the things I want to do, some turn out good, some turn out bad.
But add up all the equation, I think what left are still in green.
I'm blessed, thank you life.

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My anxiety towards stepping into 30 somehow vanished beginning of the year. I became so horrifying because I think I wasted too much time over nothing. Last year I live my life, I do what I want to do, at least i try, and trying to fulfill my responsibility to myself, to love myself.
I think it helps to clams my nerve, to give myself a break for trying something new.

------

What's next?

先天 ｜ 后天

最近领悟一些事情。 在脑里很久了，太忙了没写下来。
要好好写下脑袋里的想法。

现在的自己，不是从前的自己。那个先天很自卑，很胖，暴躁，不好动的自己，因为后天的影响， 我已经不是从前的自己。

这些都是可以靠‘努力’换来的。
你努力做一些事，每天一点点，努力是不会倒退的。

可是努力也可以是徒劳的。
好比说，我可以控制，可是先天性很爱吃的性格改不了。
就算没那么胖了，先天条件不好，脸蛋也不会变很多。

好比你怎么努力，你都不可能变高，你是黑皮肤也不会应为你努力而变白。顶多你’延迟’ 变黑而已。

中三那年，我了解自己可以努力多少。
那是一个很糟糕的一年。年轻人，总有想不完的傻事，尤其我朋友不多，有一个好朋友就好像有了全世界。
没了那个朋友，全世界都消失了。

消沉了几个月，做了讨厌鬼几个月，直到邻座的女孩坦然和我说：你这样很讨人厌。

‘那么，好吧。总有我可以做的事。’



以下是我在挑战自己做的事。

1.背歌词－还是要背我没有感觉，周杰伦的爱在西元前。 有请知道这首歌词有多难的人举手。

2.从弹扬琴，到吹唢呐。 唢呐，就是古人结婚的那个di da。 声音奇大，尤其难吹，堪称最难掌握最难对音准的乐器。 而且练久了，还会耳鸣。我最后还是换回去弹我的琴。

3. 扯铃－ 不要怀疑。的确是扯铃。 我还公开表演了好几次扯铃。
4.念书－在心情那么糟糕的环境，人是可以逆境生存的。我把书往死里读，往死里背。 中三的课程，靠死背是没问题的。我最后靠努力考了7A. 我让自己看到原来努力是可以这样的。


中四以后，课程不能用死背了，要理解能力。 我终究怎么努力都没有用。
原来有些事，真的不是努力就可以了。


－－－－－－－

人海茫茫，有些人你一生都不会靠近，一辈子都不会和她／他深交。那种距离大概是先天的。

有些人好像磁铁一样，大家会互补，互相吸引，欣赏，那也是先天的。

可是当你接近一个和你频率不一样的人，大家付出的程度不一样，对友情／爱情 的认可程度不一样，就好像狗追自己的尾巴跑。 你也只能追着跑。他就算咬到了，马上就放开了。

我一度耿耿于怀，从前都是这样。
时常要求回报。付出了就要回报。
我付出200分，我就要等待150 分的回报。
现实根本不可能。

有人天生是施虐者，有人天生是受虐者。
我是一个彻底的受虐者。

最近了解自己多一点了。

我就是一个被虐的。
我付出的时候是开心的。
只要不要想起回报我可以是开心的。
其实就和养狗一样。我喂他吃，没有打算他会煮方便面给我。


上面的照片是一首歌的封面。我最近很喜欢。

Handsome Ghost- Lion
'We can be the color in black. We can be the lion among the cat, we will be forever fighting back.'

Couldn't agree more.

Aftermath

Face your fear. I said to myself.
Cringe your finger, hold your heart, bite your teeth and endure the uneasiness when you facing your fear.
Face it and everything will be good.

You will reset, reload and restart. You will be a new you and it's gonna be fine.
Maybe at times you want to fall back to your greatest mistake again, but we only have one life, we made mistakes and learn, and we make mistakes again and we gain.

We bounce.

| Shift | Change | Growth |

Recently my brother finally has a gf, and it's amazing to observe my brother.
He used to be lazy bump who can sleep no earlier than noon every weekend without fail. He will skip breakfast and eat like there's no tomorrow for the following meals.

He's now a early bird. Will wait for the gf to wake up from sleep, and he will just wait patiently.

He used to be fat, in fact both of us are always fat kid in the family.

And now, he's barely fat, at most a M size with some decent looking muscle.

He never iron his working attire. Last time.
Now he does.

Nevertheless, all these changes are good. I see improvement in him, and amazed at how universe can change him to be someone I can't possibly imagine.

The power of age? of love? of growth?

-----------

I think from time to time I also amazed at my own changes.

I got engaged on April fool this year, in Coldplay concert, the bridge in the song of 'Fix you'.
That's the biggest change. In status.

Other than that, I used to have just flabby arms, gross soft fat tissues all around me. And I can't tolerate them, but do nothing to get rid of them.

Now I have a bit more confident, not because those fats are not there anymore, it's just because I did what I can in my comfortable level to stay healthy and fit.

I still eat happily, still indulge most of the time. But whenever I can, I'll pick up healthy eating and exercise.

I can't say I love exercising now, I still hate it. But the after feeling is good, and guilt free when I indulge. Wrong motive to workout, but...who cares :)

I somehow changed in my attitude in work. I used to care a lot about work. Now I probably care a bit more about life than work.  

-----------

The changes happened to us after my engagement is also taken me aback.

I thought everything will be roughly the same, so I thought.

Indeed nothing much changes, but my husband-to-be's initiative on wedding planner amazes me.

We never spend time talking about marriage or wedding, but once he proposed, his 'wedding' mode is fully on. I'm like dating a new guy all over again.

Interesting.

I'm blessed that I see his commitment, with lots of initiative and effort. And I'm glad that MOST of the things we are on the same page. But we haven't even started working on it yet, so can't say for sure.

He still that very mafan boy who will complain about bodyache and itchiness ALL THE TIME, practically handicap when I'm around, but he knew how much I took care of him, and he willing to show appreciation in his own way.

He will not stingy to share his fortune with me. Nothing fancy, just by paying all my meals I feel very blessed. Not that the amount counts, some might be millionair but they won't share their fortune with another half.

He's not rich, but he's willing to share and spend on me.

Maybe that is how couple 'suppose to' behave, especially a 9 years relationship. But there's nothing is 'suppose to' happen, it's all effort and mutual understanding. It takes 2 in any form of relationship to create vibration among people, there's nothing come naturally if you are not playing your part.

No one person is 'suppose to' be there for you, if you do not give the same.
(But if you are sucker this might happen all the time.)

-----------

Although nothing much has been planned, but long before this I force my dear friend to serenade to me in my wedding. It's one of my dream to have someone serenading to me, i just use my day that I can have full control to force him to agree.

Talented person but stingy in showing off. Hate it when every time I hear him sing, it's just 1/4 of the song and the rest are gibberish. If you like to have someone ruin your song, call me.

Other than that, I'm asking a few musician to 'chip in' songs for me. It's gonna be fun i think.

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I'm 30 this year. I don't feel mid life/ quarter life crisis anymore.

Partly because of my dog, I keep myself busy and have very little time to focus on negativity. She's god sent, she came to me when I'm in a mess, she pick me up from the ground.

I am blessed.

#BFF

What is BFF?
According to Wikipedia: "Best friends forever" ("BFF") is a phrase that describes a close friendship. 

Close friendship comes in many forms.
I would define close friendship as such.

- Close friend have a constant effort to stay close with each other no matter how busy they are
- Close friend will have effort to update each other and will not shy to talk about it
- Close friends choose close friends for important decision, seek for advise and listen to what only your bff will say
- BFF will not judge you for being you, but will comment on you and make you be a better person
- Close friend influence each other to become better self
- Close friends will remain as close friends even though time drift them apart.

It's not easy, rather it's not hard to become friends. It's hard to be close friends, Harder to maintain it.

I once though that I will have never ending topics and will never feel distance from a close friend. I treasure this friendship, being the best supportive figure I can ever be, tried to help as much as I can and try not to feel like been taken for granted. 

However time proves me wrong. Time will drift people apart, topics become mundane, atmosphere become awkward and eventually, there's no meaning to meet anymore.

Nobody say it was easy, I know. 

I'll keep trying, until my face is so thick I will not feel the akwardness anymore.

Need to be lit up.

Quick update. 

I have a rough day, rough week, rough month. I'm busy, but I used to be wayyyyyy busier, this is nothing compare to last time. 

But I feel harder to accomplish things now, when the instructions are confusing. 

I know we all work for the rice bowl. But really, do you want to work just for the rice bowl? 

I felt more stupid these days, partly because for years I've not been learning new stuff in my industry. No doubt I learnt a lot of corporate skill, but industry knowledge I feel like I'm stepping on the same point. Not moving forward. 

I used to be inspired by stories people told me, the idea they had in mind, awed by people who want to accomplish great things, not doing things just to please the social stigma. I missed the days when I have long meaningful conversation with my mentor, visualizing the world he had, and inspire me to be a better person. 

Days like this I miss him a lot. I just need to be inspired and feed my hungry brain I guess.

I barely create something new, there's nothing new to create. I want to be a creator, a inspirational figure, a digital expert. #sohardmeh 

Learn how to be alone again

I talked to a friend last week about being alone. 'Have you ever enjoy alone time?'
'Yes, I do enjoy alone time like this, but I hate to be alone, as in alone alone.'

Loneliness is always my weakest spot since donkey years ago.
I hate to be alone with no purpose, I just hate that empty spot in my life where I have only myself.

I feel stressed recently, could be PMS, could be stress, could be the mundane life that I can't break out of it.
So I opened the pandora box.

And truth hurts.

When I thought we're going to the same direction, but the truth is we're not. We are in opposite direction trying to walk parallel.

I pictured myself to be a mother, to have purpose in life. But it all shattered when it's all just in my head.

I'm traumatized inside. It's all happening again, again and again.

I have no one to talk to, no one I want to talk to.

Please someone teach me to be alone again, please tell me it's ok to be alone.

New Year Resolutions 2017

I told myself not to do this, but I think I need this. Let's take small steps at a time.

It's my big 3---0 this year, hence I want this year to be productive, fruitful and happy.


1. To care less about bitches and hypocrites

Admit it, life is full of bitches, and I can't avoid it. So let's not avoid it and be selective in caring.
Some people just don't like to see peace and would like the world to burn. I choose not to get involve and work AROUND these bitches.
You want to get into me, in your dream bitch!

2. To be loved

I heard from an aunt today about working her life all along, for kids, for work, for school. But what she wish for when she's old is to have a peace of mind, to worry less and to enjoy more.
I shall do this from now on, so when I have a kid of my own, I will not regret for living less when I can.

3. Smile more

I think generally I looked better when I smile. I want to look prettier. All I need is a bimbo reason.
Learn to smile in front of people who I don't like, this is like another level up.

4. Sing along song

I want to be better at guitar. I stopped at maybe....3-4 songs and I'm still struggling with these songs.
I wanna get betterrrrrrrr and hopefully someday I can just pick up the guitar and be handsome and charming, and play it like a pro.

5. Fitness goal

My fitness goal is not to achieve a certain weight loss or any shape..
I realize I've been working out, eating cleaner for 3 years now, but honestly weight loss is not happening (much). But I feel better about myself. Fat is lesser, muscle gained more. I do look big still generally, but I feel this kind of big is different from last time. Last time everything is soft, greasy and I get tired swimming 2 laps.

I can swim 12-15 laps now without stopping :)

Now I feel good when I work out, when I feast I feel guilt free. I work out to stay active and keep up the stamina. I feel not sorry when I still picking clothes for M or L size because I know I don't look just 'fat'. I look normal.

Work out has changed me quite a bit. I don't like to sweat still but I think I diciplined myself to do that.

 Let's take baby steps and hopefully world can get better :)

Adios!

Japan 2016

Konnichiwa!

This post serve as a travelogue to record my 29 birthday present to myself <3 p="">
I worked hard in year 2016. BLOODY HARD.
When I keep contemplating wherther I should go to Japan to reward myself, I reckon I should treat myself fairly given I worked my ass off in this year.

So I did, with my best travel mate, and off we go a magical journey.
It worth every penny we spend, and I think this is the BEST birthday present I ever gotten for myself.

The craziest thing we ever had in the entire trip. We went to a local bar with no idea what to order. This is served when we askfor their famous dish. RAW CHICKEN. It actually taste quite good :)

The normal karaage

Liver skewer

chicken meat ball

First night, bracing 5 degree to find food. I'm so glad we decided to come to this local bar. The boss is sooooo shy he trying to have small talk with us but he couldn't speak a word of English. End up we manage to engage with him using my very limited japanese

Ginkgo leaves everywhere!

Crazy japanese. They are protecting palm trees, coz basically palm trees can't stand the cold weather. They are wrapping the trees with straw to keep them 'warm', with certain design to beautify the wrapping. They even have a banner to explain why they doing this.

DREAM COME TRUE!

Arabica coffee! I've been following the instagram of this barista, and finally I can have a sip of dream.

Oversweet Taiyaki

Arashiyama. My favorite!

Leng! Single and still available!

This place is so unreal!

Some random flower shop. They don't keep the flowers inside at night, just leave it outside and NO ONE will steal the pots.

Every morning we stroll around and look for coffee. Family mart coffee wins

A small neighborhood in Kyoto called Hanazono. We started our journey crazy early every morning. We see students rushing to school, rows and rows of bicycle to work and to school. It's such an awesome experience.

Must have! Osaka shui gou gai!

Didn't had much sushi, only manage to eat ONCE :(

Kiyomizudera. Heard that they are going to close it for 3 years for refurbishing.

Kita no tenmangu. We paid 700 yen to enter the park but it's MAGICAL! The leaves are red untillllll.....

Mastuya! Still the best GYUDON!

We search around for this small cafe called KURASU. It's hidden at the alley near Kyoto Station. The barista speaks perfect english. Their signature is hand drip coffee. They basically make coffee while listening to John mayer, humming the music and dancing along. These make good coffee I guess, must be the John Mayer.

ICHIRAN!!!! HOU GIK DONG ARRR!

The original coco ichibanya. They changed their menu slightly, didn't taste as good as the first time I had it.

Who said you can't talk to deers?

This turn out to be the BEST ramen we ever had.

Yuzu flavor ramen. Awesome until I want to cry.

Christmas trees in Universal Osaka. Why trees also bigger than people wan.

Some random awesome fried pancake. Just because you're in Jurrasic park you need to eat this.

Magical Harry Potter town

Look what I'm saying? Magical until my skin also look damn purfect.

Pablo mini

Lobster roll

Suppose to be kobe beef but not as nice.

This is nice until wanna cry also. Okonomiyaki!

Why my skin complexion so nice wan.

This yakiniku is awesome untilI don't know what to say.

At Kaiyukan