Running out of patience

Now that I grew older, one thing is running out in my bank other than money, is love and patience.
*just kidding*

Realizing I always do things for others but leave so little time for myself, I'm tired of people telling what to do.
'YOU SHOULD DO THIS, WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?'

Well.

My patience is running low.
When I always prioritize other's issue over mine, and constantly telling myself, nvm, do this first, I will do mine later. The later never came.

And I fat mang zang because at the end I realize I can't tell what I have done to settle my own issue.

To name a few.

1. I been wanting to get a massage since, AUGUST. This year is counting down to 2017, and I still didn't do it. OH, did I mentioned I PAID for the massage which I never go?

2. I wanted to go for check up and took a jab for vaccine. But NEVER did.

The list goes on.

Why am I fat mang zang? Because if I make plan someone will fat mang zang at me.

I know what my problem is. Poor time management, yes. Always prioritize others than myself, yes.
And I always turn on NOS gas and turbo during work, and I leave NOTHING back for myself. At home my brain is usually stare blank or thinking about bad shit.

I'm also getting lazy in my private life.

I do nothing extra to maintain or elevate my lifestyle.
I stopped buying flowers for a while.
I wanted to use essence oil for the house, the old one ran out and i'm still not replacing it.
I stopped cooking breakfast since I have a dog.
I wake up later and later, that's why I don't have time for brekkie.
I stopped going to the mall, compare to last time I need to go to the mall at least once a week.
I wanted to practice guitar, but it's demotivating.

I want to be a better version next year. Time for an upgrade!

Normalize

I'm usually blog with a title in my head, but today I nothing in my head so just f it... title is lame as shit.

Well, we finally had the trip we always wanted. A trip planned over beer, attendees agreed volunteered and half forcing, but it happened!

I've looked forward to it before my Japan trip.. ohya Japan, gonna write about it later.
2 days after my Osaka trip here I off to another retreat with my favorite people!

I guess compare with other friends we spend relatively more time with each other, at least we will meet 1 month once I guess?
All of them worked under one roof except me. I'm so grateful that I'm included into that friends circle.

It should be a talking, bullshitting, playing laughing trip. I thought there will be guitar there but there isn't, so jukebox from phone it is!

Now I'm back to reality, can't tell exactly what kind of feeling I carry back with me. It's mixed feelings.

At some point I felt warm, looking at those limited pictures we took, and glad it happened.
I felt happy too with so much laughter of crazy drunkard and bitches talk.
I felt one kind probably I had a random fight out of some random reason I don't even think is worth to talk about it.

But I guess I just kept my annoyance in here and in my brain, so little provoke is enough to make me blast.

 

But honestly, ever since the cat is out of the bag I felt so much brighter after connecting the dots.
I guess being left half hanging and too much guessing is not healthy.

What if you REALLY refuse to hang out anymore because of your important another half? I get it!
Do I look like a dumb bitch who can't understand priorities?

I accept the fact that things changed, so don't say nothing changed. Everything changed, you just fail to see it.

Everything aside, I feel really lifted when I know you're happy. I guess that's what friends are for, regardless how much toxic I kept inside but I'm still in the same team!

 I spend a 10-15 min talking to another joker about some shit I had recently, although I'm f-ing sure you won't remember when you awake but I do feel better. kamxia.

I guess there's really too much emotions to digest yesterday, I can't even get a few hours of good sleep.

I hope I can forget that face really fast, not many people yelled at me in my 29 years life. And I'm usually very forgiving and forgetful.

But those who did, unfortunately I remembered.

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I really wished I was drunk too. So I don't need to feel shitty after the shit.

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I'm an adaptive person. I just need time to adjust, but usually I get to adjust after some time.
Another month to go and I'm 30!


I promised myself to live my last 20s the best way I can, before I realize it's already December!

I keep mumbling =..=

End of my favorite, Bye October

Most of our fav month is always birthday month.
Mine too.

October has been great, don't be fooled by the picture. This is irrelevant to Oct.
I got so much love, so much birthday greetings, so many present I unexpected, so many celebrations I can't even be thankful enough.

October has been great, although, I missed my target, AGAIN.

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Why hater.
I believe the toughest part of my job is to face hater.

I tried my best to be the nicest person you know, your friend, your advisor when you don't have clue, your helper and your trusted one.

But always, there's hater within internal and external. And the part I hate the most is to keep going back to them like an ex girlfriend, hoping for forgiveness and love.

Hoping them will love me back.

That's life right?

Despite how much I do or how little I do, haters gonna hate.

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Hello friend, who hurts me.

I will not blame you for being distance and cold, it's a choice of life.
I choose to love you more and hopefully, you will open your heart and we be that idiot friend who talks crap and sometime intelligent talks again.


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I'm grateful for those who love me, and I will love you back unconditionally.
It's blessed to feel the love, and to know that some where, these people will not leave you behind, they stand by you. They save you when you need them. They will not say no if I need help.

It feels warm actually.

Thank you god, for what I have, what I will have and what I never had.

I'm Blessed :)

People saw me at the lift and asked : HOW MANY ROUNDS OF BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS DID YOU HAD?

#WELL

I'm loved!

This year I had the most celebration, the most flowers, the most hugs and the most kisses I received.

For that, I thank you alll of you who love me and treat me like a lil princess on my small humble birthday.

I heart u all!

Gonna have a fantastic year ahead!

29 years old!!

I'm officially 29!
Yay!

It's 12.22am now, just past my official day of turning into 29.
I must said this year is very eventful.

I have lots of ups, in career, with friends, with another half, with family.
There's lots of downs as well, I guess things need to balance up a bit. Stressed with career, fuss about friends and etc.

But I thankful for such arrangement in life. I learnt a lot, learn to be strong, and learn that I'm invincible, I can do anything I want, at least I believe so.

I see myself clearer, 29 years old me.
I like to be myself once in a while, please myself, be alone and feel secure about it.

I had massive insecurity few months ago, and to my friend who are super annoyed at my famous quote, #quarterlifecrisis.
I fear for the unknown, fear for the future, and worst is I had so much regrets which I hope to do better, but I can't turn back time. So much worry it drowns me.

I'm better now, like I said, I learnt.
I will control the future, and live every bit of it. And I feel much secure now.

It's my last 20s, and I like to experience everything! I am excited with the unknown, go for it!

To everyone whom I love, loved and loving me, thank you for the warm wishes on my small little birthday. I felt big with all your love.

Thank you.

Relationship management

Nope, not talking about boy girl love.

I'm talking about friendship.
Once a friend asked me, do you think a friendship that need to be managed, is true friendship?

Well, sad but it's true that friendship do need to be managed and groom. Friendship that doesn't need to be groomed has been elevated, become sisterhood, or closer than friends.


So, what if your friend have lost interest in you, your topic, your jokes, your invitation?
And you can see clearly double standard is applying to you?

Sad but true that friends sometimes are the best person to hurt you, especially those that knew you too well. When you expose all the soft spot, they know exactly where to press.

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Recently there's a horrible news happened.

A lady who is the nicest person I knew, a nicest HR I knew lost her husband.
Heart attack, sudden death.

This sadden me a lot, makes me wonder, why am I holding on things that not worth my time?

You can see this person in the morning, and in the same day you are separated by 2 different world?

Why are you so ashamed to admit you miss someone?
Why are you so untrue about yourself?
What if people despise you for being so emotional? Heck it! This is how I feel at the moment and I want you to know!

If I'm happy I laugh, if I'm sad I frown.
If I told you I missed you, I truly am.

What if this is not mutual?

HECK IT!

I know if I'm gone in the next moment, at least I said what I want to say, did what I want to do.

Towards friends I'm an open book. You can read me anytime you want, just the matter of whether you just judging me by the cover.

People drifted apart, see who are the last one standing, and I will cherish every moment I earn from you.

Double Standards

I had an emotions outrage recently, involving a double standard treatment by a friend I keep close to heart.
Before everything else we spoke about this, of being deserted by friend and how bad it feels...
And I said, I will choose friendship over everything else, just don't walkaway.

And there you go, you did the same to me, applying double standard to me, whom I keep close to my heart.
Since it's so close, it hurt the most. I thought I will do everything for you, you will do the same too.
But no, far from there.

I wrote about loving myself on 22 July.
Today is 19 Aug, and I failed to love myself.

SELF REMINDER: I am who I am. I can only be the one I like, if I start loving myself.
I deserve to be loved and I deserve to be selfish for a while. I can be me, no one can help me to be me.

I love myself, and more each day.