愛されたい

いつも一人歩いての時,自分と話した。
一人で、晩御飯をたべる,買い物します。

時と感慨で、’ああ、いなあ、あいされるのこと。’
二人なら何でもできるのかんじ　よかったは。

寂しい、一人は寂しいなの。
’ずっと一緒に、ね？’　この質問は聞きました。
でもあれからの数月、私たち離れた。

今までも　理解できません。

ーーー

my company.

Words are not easy to say at times.
It something beyond words, and it's unspoken feelings that drowning me.
Just by seeing my bed I had so much feelings, the room of pain, the laundry, the TV programs, the coffee, the cards..
It's very vague to say that, but it's hard to explain, could be the stress.

Let's blame it on the stress.

Frozen

Memories frozen in time. 5 senses will remind you of the oldest memories.
Rethink back a lot of things, I give myself a B+ for what I've did. I didn't strike perfect, but I give all I can, the best I can.  

It's soaring pain, when you can only expect 2 letters answers from the person you once shared dreams with.

Maybe at one point I'm not quite welcome, for trying to create conversation. So anyone can teach me how the normal way should be?

It's very predictable.

---

Someone asked me 'why are you saying yourself is disposable'
He terasa...yes, thanks to you as well, I'm even worst than disposable.
I'm like a sanitary pad for you, the used one.

When you are no longer clean, fluffy and absorb-able, with blood stain, it's time to dispose.
Laugh at me.

Disposable

Disposable: A disposable (also called disposable product) is a product designed for a single use after which it is recycled or is disposed as solid waste. The term often implies cheapness and short-term convenience rather than medium to long-term durability.

In short, disposable is something cheap, and for short-term convenience. After that, it's nothing but trash.
It's been on and off since I have this kind of trashy feeling towards this person. As a friend, he failed miserably. I used to think it's sincere, but looking back, it's all about intention.
When needed something from me, got an A for being pushy (pussy as well).

---

Same goes for all other things.
In this universe, when you're not worthy, no one will give you a damn. Or even when people giving you a damn, is because they are in your category.
I actually agree with a mutual benefit kinda state. When you need something, I'll help, when I need company, you'll be there.
Fair and square.

If you are expecting just help from me, you shouldn't have talk to me at the first place. Annoying you know.

---

Had a 3 hours conversation with the boss yesterday, I had a headache after that.
To summarize, I'm just not there yet where he want to see me. He's pushing me, to move, poking me to improve. 
Despite how much I want to, sometimes it's not about time management only, it's about talent as well.
It's like you are asking an infant to read standard 3 books. They can see pictures, guess meaning, drawing on it, but not understanding it.

---

Regardless of all these. One thing I can't get used to , is annoyed face.
Again, we aim to please, not to piss.
I'm a peacemaker if you know me. If you're in trouble, I'll do my best to help you.
If you want to pick a fight, I'll probably keep quiet and walk away, maybe cry after that.
But all I want, is never piss anyone off.

I've learn to make peace, to 共存, to be ignorance at times, learn to pick up the pieces.
Just need a bit more effort to dilute the feelings.
Good progress I guess.

You can't be loved

Wonderful perfect innocent lovable apple cheeks. 

 

 

 

You can't be loved, you freak moron. 

Coffee dream

Airport

Words are vicious at times especially when you are not rational, that's why I learn not to say anything when I'm confused with my feelings.

Feelings are complicated, I choose not the believe what I saw, so I took more than 1 month to slowly repair, rethink, reenact and relook. Of course, proven I'm wrong.

Knowing that my poisonous words are actually fatal make me very conscious in speaking. But most of the time I can expect the answers, depends on the ambiance, atmosphere and mood. When the aura is negative, I rather not ask or say anything. I hope anyone can understand, I'm not intend to piss, I aim for pleasure and please. You do too :)

---

Credit to greenweddingshoes.com

Heard so many marriage news recently...
Few extremely talented and young guys in my co is getting married too. I feel rather shock to hear that.

I always wonder when I see people getting married.
'How sure are you that this is the person you can spend the rest of your life with?'

Probably I will never found the answer, until I find one for myself. I used to think marriage is all about compatible, tolerance and trust. Love is really not everything.

Think about it. If you are so much in love with each other, but the mother don't like your BF, the father can't click with your GF, the dogs don't like your partners' smell, the girl have horrible bad habit, or extremely lazy etc...but you are 100% in love with this person.
Imagine how it will turn out after 10 years.

1) Either you give in, doing all the things and treat her like a queen. Ignore all the disagreement around you, and continue to be in love fully, live in your own world. I saw quite many example like this...
2) The other half have to give in, change. Of course, this must gone through multiple rounds of argument and fights. Morally and physically. Morally, you have to measure who matter more, family or the other half.
3) (You know what it will lead to)

But never say never :)

Saw an emo post from a friend that day in FB.
She said 'The longest distance in the world is not death apart or can't love who you loved; it's when two people who are not meant to be fell in love.'

It's very unlike her, not sure if she copied the quote from somewhere.
Feelings are complicated, there's no right and wrong, no black and white.
There's 103945482103 reason to explain the things we do, and there's 1923817237492 to reason why we tears, laugh, love and of course, split.

----

Another happy story from a pretty colleague that day.
After 3 years both being single, she got back together with the ex.
There's mix opinion from every one she shared with. Some with blessing, some with doubt (especially is a LDR).
Apart from that, it's still a happy news for 2013.

She's a excellent narrator of all her conversation with him.
'What are you talking about, I will never let you go.' The boy said.

My heart melts....aww...she's worth to be loved, be so loved.

---
Random thoughts...

Going to BKK tomorrow again, this time I felt less reluctant.
I told my mom yesterday, I have quite a strong adaptation. But I guess I will never like loneliness.
Especially when middle of the night someone is trying to open your apartment door when you are alone..

O.K

O.K

As an adjective, "okay" means "adequate," "acceptable" ("this is okay to send out"), "mediocre" often in contrast to "good" ("the food was okay"); it also functions as an adverb in this sense. As an interjection, it can denote compliance ("Okay, I will do that"), or agreement ("Okay, that's good"). As a verb and noun it means "assent" ("The boss okayed the purchase," and, "The boss gave his okay to the purchase.") A versatile discourse marker (or back-channeling item), it can also be used with appropriate voice tone to show doubt or to seek confirmation ("Okay?" or "Is that okay?").^[1]

K.O

The term is often associated with a sudden traumatic loss of consciousness caused by a physical blow. Single powerful blows to the head (particularly the jawline and temple) can produce a cerebral concussion and cause a sudden, dramatic KO. Body blows, particularly the liver punch, can cause progressive, debilitating pain that can also result in a KO.

Dog chasing over tail

I talked to a friend, and in some ways, my tone might offended him, and that was my darkest period.
Ever since when I tried to talk to him, he'll bring this up again. Cycle and cycle, never get tired of this. And initially that was a JOKE.
There's once I talked about something random, and suddenly he get all offended and ask me not to bring this up again. In angry tone. I didn't even do anything wrong, why?

So , you're dancing cha cha with me people?

The things that you need to work hard for, are the things you'll treasure the most. I realize that.

I don't know why I need to do this, to keep pacifying mankind who never do me any good. Since young. Like me keep talking to him, but he keep dancing cha cha with me.

The one who bullied me the most, is the one I though is 'best friend'. The friend who always ask me to do things, I'll always do for them after scolding and complaining.
The best friend during my secondary school time, is the one I always buy expensive gift for, I still do now. And I end up having a major 'break up' with her.

Poeple who don't want me to get near them, I will naturally want to be there with them.
I shall make a conclusion. I just enjoy the feeling when there's someone needing me.

Something mean came out from my chat box. 'I won't meet up with you first, still emo at you.'
hmm...What happened?
Fine, really.