Fork in the road

 

I'm standing at this busy road.

I'm seeing the cars, people, bird, cloud, sprinting in front of me.

Everything is so clear, and yet to blur. 

Everything is so loud, but yet so quiet. 

I tried to scream. But not a sound. 

The sound of the world is just like a frequency in my head.

I hear you, but my body is not with my mind.

I'm a passenger in my own body.

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I'm facing a pack of dead soul everyday.

What can you do when you have no drive in life?

I'm behaving like a bitch everyday. Almost everything I hate about a leader, I have done it all.

I have a hammer on my both shoulders everyday, I have a feet kicking on my ass everyday... 

I'm turning into someone I hate. How to ever get use to this?

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On the bright side, perhaps this is another best thing that can happen to me.

Learning from an iron fist like this perhaps can make me buck up on my weakness.

Things happen for a reason, I've been slacking. 

I choose this in my life, I have to walk the talk.

HOPE for better future

credit to @redhongyi

This is when the impossible made possible. And it all happened because we bear something so special called HOPE.

Hope was thin when the country is so corrupted, murder under broad day light and covered up. Corruption was bleached to 'no wrong doing'. Good people are forced to do or say bad things. Morale and etiquette are being challenged. 

However humanity evolved, after thousands of years, one thing humanity adapt fast is we evolve. We rise from the ashes and the impossible, made possible. The country we've been longing for, a just and fair country. 

9 May 2018, a day to remember. People fought, and we won the battle. We rise from the ashes.

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Even the unthinkable is happening, I think it's only fair to do something about myself.

Let's start from something small.

1. I'm going to start a new eating pattern called 'intermittent fasting' . As the name suggest, it's a short period of fasting to decrease producing insulin in the body and encourage fat burning on the non eating hours. Target to do this for 5 months, let's see how it goes.

2. Increase workout. Other than regular wednesday workout, I will increase workout to 3 times a week. #con9lan7firmmustdo

3. Keep things in place. I swear to wash all dishes after meal and leave as little dishes behind as possible.

4. Learn. Good or bad, learn from people around me. Learn to be sharp, listen carefully, observe carefully, analyze and absorb the goodness.

5. Take up a challenge. This is happening real soon, I shall reveal when time is right.

6. Step out of comfort zone. Read a book, do more work, be more responsible. Treat people will all my heart. Dedicate all my heart at work. Learn how to break the ice in minute. Learn to bridge the gap with people whom I can't 'click' with. Do things differently. Do the right thing and learn from wrongs. Think 3 steps ahead and react.

I think these are not something small, but I must do this. 

Sekian, signing off from a better nation now.

Two sides of the world

I have awesome friends, I guess they are the reason I feeling belonged and loved most of the time. With the current situation, where I spend most of my time on something wasting and negative, friends are my pillar.

I realize today I have very different feelings toward some people. If bipolar is how this feels, I probably have it the whole time.

Some people make you feel awesome, they compliment you, they laugh at your silly jokes, whack gau you when you are siasui, they don't care if you are pretty or not but they just want to be with you. They make you feel like you're special.

Sometimes I'll feel awful for no particular reason. When I'm near some people, I'll feel small, little, no confident. There's nothing that can triggers that but I will feel very small when I near to them. Your voice is weak and you have to think about the next thing you say, worry about judgement. But why worry about judgement? Who will judge me? Why am I feeling such at all?

My ex company makes me feel the same too. I'm not sure if this is the right word, but I was intimidated by it. Maybe jealous, maybe. I feel not worth to be there, feel like not good enough for them, everyone else are so far beyond reach and here I am, still crawling like a fucking snail. They are 'digital', I'm a con artist.

One of my boss made a 30 min speech last night in a event, talking about reskill and transformation.
He's right. I need to reskill myself. But where?

And today another boss made a damn funny statement, to stop the staff from posting some pictures on social media. I can't believe I'm doing digital in such environment.

That moment itself, I'm honestly ashamed.

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I'm also ashamed at myself.

I acted like 'me' yesterday when I was with my colleague.
Then I realize, most of the time, the 10 hours I'm working in office/ outside...is not me.
I'm living under the fucking bitch mask for 10 hours. I hate it.

I blame it to the environment.
A competitive environment that everyone will HARM you, everyone will take things away from you. An environment that you are at the bottom of the food chain, you can only hope to pick up bread crumb that people don't want.

If you happen to found a meat, fear not, it'll be taken away, sooner or later.

There's barely any logic, justice is vague, system is ambiguous.
I think this is quite clear if I belongs here.

Fucking time wasting

I'm 30, about to turn 31 in 9 months time.

I used to think, let's wait a while longer, wait until I move up to another level then it's good for my profile. But seriously, I always said I love digital, but what is good for me even when I'm at another level? Glamarize sales machine?

Today is the day, where I need to remember this.

I can't waste time learning about corporate coldness, corporate insanity where people just work without question, never fight back the corrupted system, no question against work that is not recognized, people who can't make decision, and many many layers of bureaucracy.

I'm sure corporate is good, it's stable, it's systematic, very structured. I used to enjoy this till today.

I'm furious. Furious for doing free work, angry for effort not captured, pissed for system that is constantly ambiguous and no one is voicing out,  most importantly I'm angry and sad at the same time, but there's no one that I can talk to. Because bitch, this is your fucking choice.

You fuck with your own time, you choose to waste your time hoping miracle will happen, you think you are playing strategy with your career and hope that it will reward you. You believe in the sugar coat that all the people force feeding you. You are the one that cause so much anger within.

I always play good. I play the good person. Maybe not the most friendly one but I always try to avoid fighting. Avoid problem, avoid blaming, avoid anger, avoid problem before the problem might appear. But I was told that I'm the one who is not forward and frank enough to protect my interest.

You can sound me for all the sour faces and crazy anger attitude, but NEVER on my character and attitude towards my work.

I should be now, fucking knowledgeable about what I'm passionate about, and work in a happy environment with people who I spent so much time with that I call them friends and family.

my happiness is my conscious choice, I just have to figure out how.

Make love, not war

I'm a libra, I love peace in my blood. Although my RBF is quite scary but I do like peace.
I don't argue, don't fight unnecessary, some may see this as weakness, let's just say that's something I prefer, than to waste my cell to hate something.

My work place is like a war zone. It's highly stressed, competitive, no peace, no friendship, no true words, full of toxic and all the above will repeat itself. I try not to complain so much but heck, it's hard. It's lonely to fight a war that you will forever lose, and no many people understands you.

I choose rather not to say anything, because I chosen this path, in chinese saying, 跪着都要走完。
Today I rethink about this, whether I want to waste my energy here absorbing loneliness and negativity.

Where the end of the tunnel co working with this kind of people?

One thing good on the flip side of this is you learn to deal with this kind of people. People who love war and hate peace. You learn to either avoid them, or deal with them the least damaging way you ever can.

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I need to jot this down.

My bunch of TXM surprised me with belated X mas gifts!
Not sure if any of them read my blog and decided to do this...but still man man de gandong :)
It's the thoughts that counts, is the feeling of belonging that counts, it's the idea of someone remember you, is most important to me.

I've been preparing for wedding, and sometimes I wonder, perhaps I placed my friends higher priority than my wedding lol.

I got some quite awesome gifts. Ukulele! Bikini! new Baju etc!
I love these people.


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Another #clingygf of mine fell in love recently. It's a whole new experience looking at her a different way. It's fun to see, and from the bottom of my heart, I feel happy for you darling.

Thinking about happy stuff make me slightly better. I will continue to think about my future tomorrow.

Twenty 18!

Technically it’s 2 jan now but I think I need to jot down some of my murmur before I forget.

It’s 2018 now! Looking back on 2017, I really live my life and I think there’s no regret. I work super hard, workout regular, taking care of my diet, not loosing weight but it’s ok, there’s room to improve. Not buying as much things as I used to, had an fantastic 30 years old celebration. I guess I’m ok with myself. 

Past few days I’m not in my right mind. I’m feeling very lost.

Since Christmas I guess, I missed the warmth from people, from colleague, from friends. But I kinda had a panic moment when I realize I’m lonely. Just for a short few days I’m lonely and I’m panic. Wtf. 

I started feels like high school. Tried hard but embarrass at myself. 

Flipped through my contact book and random texting people but not feeling better. 

I reflected. If I don’t stop feeling empty, I will never be ok, I will never be contented at what I already have. 

So there goes my first resolution: to treasure those who love me, work less for those who don’t. 

Sometimes when you hold a hand for too long, you will forget that you are holding hands, fingers will feel nothing but numbness. I need to remind myself for whose hand I’m holding, and return with the same affection. 

Another resolution which I made the same last year: to love myself more. 

I don’t remember how long I never buy myself flowers. Ever since I started hanahana, I don’t buy flowers for myself. Flowers became a tool and business. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed very much, just that most of the time I exhausted myself and I don’t stop and smell the flowers. I don’t get to appreciate flowers as much as I used to. 

I hope to achieve more on loving myself emotionally, not material. I want myself to truly have confident, to hold my head high as if I'm wearing a crown and knowing I’m deserve it. I want myself to stop looking for things to fill my shortcomings, but to appreciate things that I already had. I want to be a person who is interesting enough that people want to be around with. 

I want to be an interesting person, a fun person.

Nothing I wish for is easy, but who queue for a flat roller coaster ride? 

Bring it on 2018!