Twenty 18!

Technically it’s 2 jan now but I think I need to jot down some of my murmur before I forget.

It’s 2018 now! Looking back on 2017, I really live my life and I think there’s no regret. I work super hard, workout regular, taking care of my diet, not loosing weight but it’s ok, there’s room to improve. Not buying as much things as I used to, had an fantastic 30 years old celebration. I guess I’m ok with myself. 

Past few days I’m not in my right mind. I’m feeling very lost.

Since Christmas I guess, I missed the warmth from people, from colleague, from friends. But I kinda had a panic moment when I realize I’m lonely. Just for a short few days I’m lonely and I’m panic. Wtf. 

I started feels like high school. Tried hard but embarrass at myself. 

Flipped through my contact book and random texting people but not feeling better. 

I reflected. If I don’t stop feeling empty, I will never be ok, I will never be contented at what I already have. 

So there goes my first resolution: to treasure those who love me, work less for those who don’t. 

Sometimes when you hold a hand for too long, you will forget that you are holding hands, fingers will feel nothing but numbness. I need to remind myself for whose hand I’m holding, and return with the same affection. 

Another resolution which I made the same last year: to love myself more. 

I don’t remember how long I never buy myself flowers. Ever since I started hanahana, I don’t buy flowers for myself. Flowers became a tool and business. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed very much, just that most of the time I exhausted myself and I don’t stop and smell the flowers. I don’t get to appreciate flowers as much as I used to. 

I hope to achieve more on loving myself emotionally, not material. I want myself to truly have confident, to hold my head high as if I'm wearing a crown and knowing I’m deserve it. I want myself to stop looking for things to fill my shortcomings, but to appreciate things that I already had. I want to be a person who is interesting enough that people want to be around with. 

I want to be an interesting person, a fun person.

Nothing I wish for is easy, but who queue for a flat roller coaster ride? 

Bring it on 2018!