So you think you can be nice?

Yeah, you read it right. The nature of my job is full of selfish people and bad competition.
I might be too naive at first, but I always bear in mind that people are not always think the same as me. They might be little bit more evilish than me but heck, I just want to be nice to people and do my job.

From all my previous job, they are non sales related. People genuinely are nice and not that selfish. Probably they are self centered for certain purpose, KPI for example, but not that selfish.

I began to recognition the fact that I be nice to people, doesn't mean a shit. Being nice= I can be bullied. Being nice means I'm harmless.

And hence, different color from different faces appeared. Some murdered you at the back, and smile at you in front.

Some murdered you and not smiling at you, and you realize you're dead meat long after.

The amateur one tried to stab you front and back, and you found out. And still you need to smile at them, just because it's your job to do so.

In few years time is either I turn to become one of them, or I can't take this shit anymore and walk away. To get out of this, is either you climb, climb to the top and become someone, or walk away.

People used to tell me that there are no friends in work place. Guessed I'm spoilt by good people who treated me real nice in all my previous job.

I miss having team mates and ally, who I can trust and we open with each other. We love each other and we achieve the same goal. We selflessly help each other because we can.

Time to grow up girl!

 

People changed, me too.

It's funny to think back how much I've changed... like really a lot.

First of all, physically.

2015!

2013...damn fat!

2012!

2011!Normal sized!

2009...I think my face don't change much.

Enough of myself.

I dislike lots of stuff last time. Furry pets, flowers, men, house chores, cooking etc.

Funny how people changes.

I love all of the above now!
I love flowers, it's a weekly affair although it's wasting money. I feel delighted every morning when I see fresh flowers on the table, and that satisfying feeling when I manage to get a fresh bouquet of flowers.

I used to walk away from dog, as far as possible. But now it's my dream to have a big dog of my own!
Where I can walk my dog, pet him when I back home, someone who I can commit to his life.

I'm excited to know what is ahead of me, how much I will change in another 10 years time.
I hope I am slimmer in 10 years time :)

Mental abuse

I can't remember the last time I have fear towards people.
Mental abuse I almost can say so.

The feat that I have that whatever I do, I felt like idiot in front of you.
Whatever shit I say I have to think twice, to make myself sound less like a fool.

Maybe is not what you meant, but it's hard to see when we used to be ally and now become someone close to a stranger.

I should do something, but maybe I should clear my mind first.

I want to feel Alive

It's hard to explain such feeling really, the slow death kind of feeling, the sun ray appear sometimes and sometimes not.

It's so hard, super hard, very effing hard not to care. Whenever I try to think, I will do the completely opposite thing. In my mind is, how long can I do this for you? Not long right. Will I regret if I didn't love you as hard as I can? Yes I will. So I love hard.

Surrounding seems like doesn't matter anymore, I try to matter them. Try to prioritize work, try to prioritize everything else. I am trying.

It's a habit of effing 7 years. To like what you like to do, love what you love to eat. Buy your treats although it's oversupply at home.It's sweet doing that, until then.

When I look into mirror I see someone who is extremely tired. Physically and mentally.
Not sure why, tired of trying? Tired of loving so hard? Tired of waiting?
I just grow older over weeks, I see wrinkles, I can't go out without make up.

Finally I reach this stage.

Will I be a better person? God?

Love Me Like You Do

I think I'm extremely afraid of being alone, or being left out.

When I first heard this song, I kinda echoed.

Love me like you do will you?

You're the light, you're the night
You're the color of my blood
You're the cure, you're the pain
You're the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

You're the fear, I don't care
Cause I've never been so high
Follow me to the dark
Let me take you past our satellites
You can see the world you brought to life, to life

So love me like you do, love me like you do
Love me like you do, love me like you do
Touch me like you do, touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Me

Just now my mom showed me some old pictures of my teenage time. I OMGed OMGed for a few times, and wondered how I can be so lame, trying to 'pose' like idol with 'no-smile' face, taken from old school film camera.

*Pictures are too ugly for display.

I was brought up in a family with zero idea how love would be. Love as in the couple love, the lovey dovey love.
I used to have crush in my primary school, but I studied in girl school after that in my secondary school.

In 5 years time without any access to men in my school, I don't know what it is like to be loved, or to love.

When the first time I being court, there's nothing else than DISBELIEVE.
I don't believe that there's actually a boy in this world, who will like who I am, and according to him, he loved me.

I was thrilled, overwelmed and at the same time feel strange. What it is like to be 'loved'?
I start to have a framework of being in love, hold hands, going out, dating, movies etc.
Spent so much time to 'learn' how to be loved and how to love. And most importantly, gain my confident of being a girl, a girl that worth loving by another boy.

I used to think how unworthy I am, because I'm lame, fat, bold, stubborn and snobbish.
Years of learning myself from another person, gain back my confident, bit by bit.

It's quite amazing thinking back, how I used to be and how I learn about myself.
I am truly blessed that I have chance to see myself in that manner.


Saw this just now, I think I'm quite agree that things aren't always that beautiful, but it's not that bad after all. Just like growing up is not something we all want to, but it's ain't that bad eventually.

喜欢一个人，在一起的时候会很开心。爱一个人，在一起的时候会莫名的失落.喜欢一个人，永远是欢乐，爱一个人，你会常常流泪。喜欢一个人，当你想起他会微 微一笑。爱一个人，当你想起他会对着天空发呆.喜欢一个人，是看到了他的优点。爱一个人，是包容了他的缺点。 喜欢，是一种心情。爱，是一种感情。

大年初一

新年快乐啊！ 心想事成啊！ 身体健康啊！青春美丽啊！
真的，快乐就好。

大年初一，本不想那么消极的。可是什么事都有正反两面。我就姑且很正反两面的说说心里话吧。

其实，快乐很简单。
快乐本来就在周围，只要你把不快乐的都变不见，快乐就出现了。
赶得及在电梯门关起来前进电梯，很快乐。
吃了很丰富又罪恶，然后窃喜没有变胖，很快乐。
回家看到垃圾倒了，衣服收好了，很快乐。
路上没有堵车，非常快乐。
周末一天的早茶，真的令人期待的快乐。
知道回家有个人等我，快乐呢。

一生庸庸碌碌，求的不就是平安快乐。

最近，快乐很小了，小的快看不见了。

平凡的幸福不平凡了。
本来岌岌可危的东西，给救回来了，却突然一夜之间，说错了一句话，所有事情都颠覆了。
前面的路，越来越暗，越来越难走了。 本以为快要看到尽头的呢，却发现根本一开始就走错了。

心里的澎湃颤抖，都要往死里塞，一点都不能露馅。
难过也好，伤透心也好，长大了，就知道一个巴掌拍不响的道理。
我是不甘心吗？ 废话，当然。
爱吗？这不是更废话吗？ 我小心翼翼的爱着呢，沾沾自喜的以为自己收放自如，却不知道其实是一塌糊涂。

感觉，原来可以背叛自己的。

今晚大概又睡不着了。

New Year Resolution 2015!

Here we go, a cliche one!

So, everybody have been doing their resolution, this year I feel extra passionate to do this unlike years before. So here we go!

1. To keep up with healthy lifestyle
I hate to lose weight last time, because I've been using the wrong method. starving myself and very little exercise. Now that I found the correct way, I feel good even though my progress is super slow,  and my weight have been stagnant at 60kg for quite a few months now. But who cares, I feel good, feel my muscle toner, self impressed by my tiny weenie abs line, and most importantly I'm not emo!

2. Work harder for the right reason
Work harder-- I told myself. But this year I will work harder for the right reason. Working hard doesn't mean anything. This year has been an eventful awful year, a lot of effort have washed down the drain. Now I need to think wiser, work harder for the right reason.

3. Smile more
Many people who don't know me will think I must be the fiercest person in the entire building, something bad must be happened to me.
I. HAVE. SHIT. FACE, I mean naturally my face is shitty.
It's hard...to smile, so I must smile more so less people will think I'm a crazy bitch.

4. Read more meaningful stuff
I really dislike reading. But this is the only way to be more intelligent, so not forcing to read 'book', but anything which is nutritious.

5. Cook in a more presentable manner
I love cooking, but I always cook in the more convenient way, with least utensils possible, and no presentation at all. I shall learn how to cook more presentable food.

6. Feel grateful
This year has been quite bad. When I say bad, is really bad. I had so much emotions all the time, but after that I learn to be grateful. It could be worst. So I should do this even better this year.

7. Invest in myself
One of the article I read, the common thing that successful people have, is they love to invest in themselves. To keep improving, to make yourself more valuable. This year, I must sign up to at least ONE flower arrangement class, the rest can add to the list.

8. Spend more time with family
Another year older, another year wiser. I should spend more time, go back hometown more frequently while I can.

9. Spend less money on food
Step one to save money. Stop spending so much on food and groceries.