End of my favorite, Bye October

Most of our fav month is always birthday month.
Mine too.

October has been great, don't be fooled by the picture. This is irrelevant to Oct.
I got so much love, so much birthday greetings, so many present I unexpected, so many celebrations I can't even be thankful enough.

October has been great, although, I missed my target, AGAIN.

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Why hater.
I believe the toughest part of my job is to face hater.

I tried my best to be the nicest person you know, your friend, your advisor when you don't have clue, your helper and your trusted one.

But always, there's hater within internal and external. And the part I hate the most is to keep going back to them like an ex girlfriend, hoping for forgiveness and love.

Hoping them will love me back.

That's life right?

Despite how much I do or how little I do, haters gonna hate.

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Hello friend, who hurts me.

I will not blame you for being distance and cold, it's a choice of life.
I choose to love you more and hopefully, you will open your heart and we be that idiot friend who talks crap and sometime intelligent talks again.


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I'm grateful for those who love me, and I will love you back unconditionally.
It's blessed to feel the love, and to know that some where, these people will not leave you behind, they stand by you. They save you when you need them. They will not say no if I need help.

It feels warm actually.

Thank you god, for what I have, what I will have and what I never had.

I'm Blessed :)

People saw me at the lift and asked : HOW MANY ROUNDS OF BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS DID YOU HAD?

#WELL

I'm loved!

This year I had the most celebration, the most flowers, the most hugs and the most kisses I received.

For that, I thank you alll of you who love me and treat me like a lil princess on my small humble birthday.

I heart u all!

Gonna have a fantastic year ahead!

29 years old!!

I'm officially 29!
Yay!

It's 12.22am now, just past my official day of turning into 29.
I must said this year is very eventful.

I have lots of ups, in career, with friends, with another half, with family.
There's lots of downs as well, I guess things need to balance up a bit. Stressed with career, fuss about friends and etc.

But I thankful for such arrangement in life. I learnt a lot, learn to be strong, and learn that I'm invincible, I can do anything I want, at least I believe so.

I see myself clearer, 29 years old me.
I like to be myself once in a while, please myself, be alone and feel secure about it.

I had massive insecurity few months ago, and to my friend who are super annoyed at my famous quote, #quarterlifecrisis.
I fear for the unknown, fear for the future, and worst is I had so much regrets which I hope to do better, but I can't turn back time. So much worry it drowns me.

I'm better now, like I said, I learnt.
I will control the future, and live every bit of it. And I feel much secure now.

It's my last 20s, and I like to experience everything! I am excited with the unknown, go for it!

To everyone whom I love, loved and loving me, thank you for the warm wishes on my small little birthday. I felt big with all your love.

Thank you.

Relationship management

Nope, not talking about boy girl love.

I'm talking about friendship.
Once a friend asked me, do you think a friendship that need to be managed, is true friendship?

Well, sad but it's true that friendship do need to be managed and groom. Friendship that doesn't need to be groomed has been elevated, become sisterhood, or closer than friends.


So, what if your friend have lost interest in you, your topic, your jokes, your invitation?
And you can see clearly double standard is applying to you?

Sad but true that friends sometimes are the best person to hurt you, especially those that knew you too well. When you expose all the soft spot, they know exactly where to press.

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Recently there's a horrible news happened.

A lady who is the nicest person I knew, a nicest HR I knew lost her husband.
Heart attack, sudden death.

This sadden me a lot, makes me wonder, why am I holding on things that not worth my time?

You can see this person in the morning, and in the same day you are separated by 2 different world?

Why are you so ashamed to admit you miss someone?
Why are you so untrue about yourself?
What if people despise you for being so emotional? Heck it! This is how I feel at the moment and I want you to know!

If I'm happy I laugh, if I'm sad I frown.
If I told you I missed you, I truly am.

What if this is not mutual?

HECK IT!

I know if I'm gone in the next moment, at least I said what I want to say, did what I want to do.

Towards friends I'm an open book. You can read me anytime you want, just the matter of whether you just judging me by the cover.

People drifted apart, see who are the last one standing, and I will cherish every moment I earn from you.

Double Standards

I had an emotions outrage recently, involving a double standard treatment by a friend I keep close to heart.
Before everything else we spoke about this, of being deserted by friend and how bad it feels...
And I said, I will choose friendship over everything else, just don't walkaway.

And there you go, you did the same to me, applying double standard to me, whom I keep close to my heart.
Since it's so close, it hurt the most. I thought I will do everything for you, you will do the same too.
But no, far from there.

I wrote about loving myself on 22 July.
Today is 19 Aug, and I failed to love myself.

SELF REMINDER: I am who I am. I can only be the one I like, if I start loving myself.
I deserve to be loved and I deserve to be selfish for a while. I can be me, no one can help me to be me.

I love myself, and more each day.

Suicide Squad

Despite how bad the reviews are, how low the ratings for this movie, I still like this movie.
I can't deny that the character is too 'good' to be badass, especially Deadshot, but still, kudos to the DOP of the movie.

It's like, these people are living in a limbo.
A different dimension. A space where they have just themselves and no one else.
No social responsibilities, no fear of judgement, no need to please others, no standard of being normal.

Not normal is the standard.

Fearless, bold, daring. They living like a dead people, so you will not feel, will not fear, you just move on and counting days.

Feel the joy from ruins. Be wasted, be the bottom layer of the world and you will not fear to fall.

Be free in the limbo, no restrictions, no chain, no cage.

They don't live.  They are dead, living like a dead people.

It's not the plot or character or story I like about the movie. It's the mood and how the mood was set to be fun being the bad guy.


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Enough of movies.

Say hello to my little girl :)

My world has turned upside down, literally ever since this fella came to my life.
I have literally no time for myself, and basically just adjusting my lifestyle to suit her.

She's Mochi. My healer.

I rescued her when I saw her hopping outside of my guard house in a raining night.
She's hopping because her back leg was injured.

She shivering when I found her, carry her to the car, without knowing what is coming for us.
It's not love at the first sight, not that romantic. I find her quite...ugly and very mongrel.

I always wanted a dog but I hold on to that idea because..I have no time. And I don't want to be burden by huge responsibility.

But she found me. She found me when I needed to be distracted the most.
She give me joy, keep me busy and warm my heart.

I was having quarter life crisis, aka not knowing what to do in life, feeling on the float constantly with a tinge of heartache constantly.

I lost interest in many things (but not to food), and I have very short attention spend.

With Mochi she keep me focused. She make me happy when I needed the most. She allow me to  love her because I just have too much feelings.

She is well mannered, well behaved, potty trained, obedient, very good energy, not too energetic.
Perfect dog for us.

It's a whole new journey for me. It's not easy because I have no experience.
its challenging because I stay in a townhouse.

It's hard when I have no one at home to look after her.

But I think it's fated for us to found her on that night, and her fate to be part of us to keep us happy and warm.

She's the most gentle dog I ever see.

Thank you god for listening to me.

Loving Me

I've been criticized by a lot of people.

Weisin you cannot be too emo.
Weisin you are too negative.
Weisin you're clingy.
Weisin you can't be like this.
Weisin you cannot do this, you just can't.
Weisin you are nobody, don't think too highly of yourself.

Along the way, confident level will go down, and I don't love myself anymore.
I think I'm not worth it, not worth your time, not worth your feelings, and I'm just should be normal, shouldn't stand out.

And I pretty sure I like myself, just don't love myself.

But no one will love me if I don't start to love myself first.

I am me, I am who I am.
I am sensitive, I am expressive, I am noisy, I am crazy, I am random, I am different, I have RBF.
But this is me. I am special, I am the only one that can acted this way. I am what I want myself to be.
I cry whenever I want, I laugh I smile when i'm happy.

How dare you to scold me for being, cheerful?

Why am I not deserve to be loved?
Just because I'm not good enough?

I'm much better than a lot of people I'm sure, I will be loved.

Hey me, don't you worry dear. You worth everything, and you are perfect.
You are who you are, your imperfection make you , you.

Thank god for making me realize this.

Thank you.