The year of Horse *Ma*

Here we are, the first year of Lunar New Year, and here I am on my bed, my own bed writing this.

We are not child anymore, we don't anticipate CNY like we used to. 

To me this is a precious holiday, precious break where I can just lay back at home doing nothing, and just savior the sweetness of being lazy.

My dad rarely spend CNY with us since young. He's a long distance bus driver from KUL-SG. Every year without fail, he wouldn't be at home with us to celebrate because it's usually the busiest day of the year.

My mom will take me and my brother to her hometown to sleep over, and celebrate CNY together with my grand parents and great-grandma. We are always excited to stay with the elders, drinking chinese tea, watching TV, or playing fire crackers just to wait until 12am. It's a chinese ritual to stay until mid night on the CNY eve, to wish for the elders' health and longevity. 

Soon after that is my grandpa's worship to 'invite' the god of prosperity to the house. And you will expect lots and lots of fire crackers throughout the entire kampung.

Early morning before the sunrise, my grandparents will be up to start their day. Busy cooking, preparing ingredient for the feast and pray to the ancestor.

My great grandma will always sit at the gate, praying. I can still remember her face, her calm beautiful aged feature with a big smile. 

This is my childhood, the CNY I can remembered.

Nothing resemble the old days now, not only my great grandma is not around anymore, the atmosphere and practices are different. My dad come home to us and celebrate with us now, and we no longer sleep over my grandparents' place to celebrate CNY. Reunion dinner is usually some lousy overpriced restaurant 9 course meal. Somehow, I missed those days, the smell of the village in the morning, the scent of wet soil and the warm sun shine after breakfast.

If I ever have a child in the future, I would let her experience the same CNY as I did last time.

Heard that the fortune for my zodiac this year is really good finally, I shall succeed this year with ambitious and energy, lots and lots of positive energy!

Lastly, may all the people I love happy and healthy always, wishing all of you living in prosper and peace, a joyful and fruitful horse year ahead!

LOVE!

Her

Thanks to a friend who recommended me this movie, this has become one of the most influential movie I ever seen.

The movie is about a lonely man who are sensitive to emotions, and there's no emotions for him in real life to excite him. A new upgraded OS for his devices walked into his life, and he found a perfect puzzle to fill his missing piece.

It's so true, it's so near to us and everyone can see this is coming. Dating with your artificial intelligent. Maybe not dating, but people will heavily dependent on your OS.

I cried next half of the movie non stop, there's so many feelings to digest, and Theodore nailed it precisely, the fear and isolated feelings of a person.

There's one scene he meet out with his ex wife and sign on the divorce paper. His wife hesitate for a while, and then she signed. Everything is coming to an end with their marriage. After that they proceed to lunch, and Theodore update the ex wife about dating with his OS. And you can see how Catherin the ex wife being frustrated at him with his refusal to change even after they parted.

It's not about the argument, is about how helpless people are when deal with argument, argue with the person you once loved, and argue for the one reason because you care. They are for each other still, the wife is still maybe hoping for something, but argument is like a chewing gum underneath your shoe sole. It won't get away.

I cried from that scene onwards. Everything the film describe are so close to us. The joy of feeling not alone. Theodore is still alone technically event hough he's dating with the OS, but he's not lonely.  What is so weird about dating OS, when people can connect easily to things which is non human?

People can treat their pet as their family, their childhood pillow as their friends, why not a OS which always surprise you with human emotions?

In the movie setting, Theodore's job is to write letter. Writing has become so difficult that they need to hire specialist to do it. That shows how distance people are without proper communications.

Feeling lonely or not, the same morning coffee and same before bed scene can be completely different. Because you care, your mind is busy to deal with everything that can please the person you care.

It's heart breaking to develop argument out of care and love, not able to resolve it and not able to talk about it. And it's usually lead to the end when the loop repeats. Everything happened seems wrong, your life will go upside down.

I'm glad that I have higher toleration to try few more times before I give up.

Can you see how miserable he is in the poster, Her? The face of fear and miserable, helpless and lost. A tinge of sadness but you know you will live with it.

It touches the deepest emotions of mine, and many people as well. 'The creator project' even made a documentary out of the feedback from group of people after watching this.

When life give you a lemon, make lemonade!

Therapeutic

It feels like the soul is drying up, being sucked out of every drop of energy I have. So I open up my browser and see my favorite flower to energize myself. Flowers always work, especially nice beautiful flowers.

It feels so bad every morning when i step in the office late. It's not like I wanted to be late, it's just the damn traffic, no matter how early I am, I still late. It sounds much like a excuses, but what can I do?
I should place a bunk bed in the office then.

Keep calm, and keep holding on.

The 80s

We came from the era where boy bands do know how to sing. Their songs are evergreen, look around you, which one of you can't sing along 'As long as you love me' (the Back Street Back version, not the JB version) and 'Swear it again'?

We came from an era where technologies are so precious, it's expensive but enjoyable. It's so expensive that a family can only afford one PC, and families are surrounding that 1 PC and feel good about it.

We came from an era where SMS is not as cheap as calling land line, so we rather talk on the phone for hours.

The 80s most affordable entertainment, is 7pm TVB. Later on is 8pm Korean drama. It's TV where people sit together and laugh together. No online streaming and Youtube.

Video games, game boy, Nintendo, Tamagochi is so precious is our childhood, again you can only afford 1 in a family. We fight for it, cry for it, argue for it, but it's fun.

What about now?

Define, childish

For many people, one simple word can mean a lot of things.

I can show you a heart and tell you I love you.
You can see that is love
You can see that is conspiracy as well
You can see me as opportunist
You can see me as a sadist
You can see that is a fake confession
You can also see that as a worthless piece of shit.

So, why care if your word can be twist and turn?
Just live your life and wait for the one who can see the palm full of love, as genuine LOVE.
Peace people.

Un-parallel

People constantly change.
People come and go.
People react in some unexplainable funny ways.

As I recall the whole day, I felt breathless.
And yet I'm a total sucker for people. Anyone who I dear, I can hardly mad at them for long.

There's isn't anything to be mad at actually. We just live un-parrallel anymore.
When things we do seems childish, communications seems waste of time, we don't live the same life anymore.

Which one thing I can never understand.
Friends are suppose to be genuine, no agenda, concerning, supportive and caring.
There's no 'reason' to be concern, no 'reason' to say Hi, no reason to just request for a pat on the shoulder because you need an encouragement.

I'm trying here, you see, trying to maintain the invisible fine line of friendship.

At the same time, is a mirror to myself.
If someone could see me in this way, probably I'm really a joke.
Meaning I just sounds stupid and worth ignoring.

No one knows how ignoring kills, and ignoring is more hurtful.
My heart totally sank today.
It's all a mistake, stop being a sucker and look dumb and bimbo.

Nights world, tomorrow will be a better day being another passer by people's life.