Grateful. Blessed

Music is like my sofa. 

I dont treasure it when it's there. When I give my sofa away and been sofa-less for 2 months, I miss it, so much. 

Music is my source of negativity nowadays, I listen to trashy songs and repeat meaningless  beats than my usual playlist. Good thing about English chennel is they have countless meaningless beats, super bimbo lyrics that you won't feel anything out of it. 

I'm grateful that my sofa is finally here. Welcome home, finally! 

Mental Pictures

So after much planning, I finally did my first trip of the year. With my favorite dudes for a dude trip :)
I've been yearning for this for soooooo long and it started with heavy rain, end with spicy hot sunshine.

I can't ask for more, I get what I hoped for, good company, lots of beer, occasionally dead air but that's fine, and lots of bull shit.

Probably we knew each other too well, there's nothing much to talk about actually, but I'm still blessed that we did this.

Although I quite sure this will be the last. I don't think the rest enjoyed as much as I did.

Most of the time I siok sendiri, like this.

So I've been crowned as a emo queen, for whatever reason.
And sometimes i really do, when I drowned in sadness and emotional, it's freaking hard to get myself up and be happy again. But I'm a grown girl now, I can control.

I might be a emo queen, but at least I try to find happiness, I do something to change, I tell myself to be strong. And I CAN.

From where I used to be to now, I've been making remarkable progress. I used to abuse myself because I want to feel more pain than the one inside my chest (but not wanting to die of course). But I find that silly now. I don't do that anymore, I live my life.

OK la layan a bit.

They refuse to let me use BFF, it actually meant Bro Fucking Friend. kthxbye.

Bro asked me why didn't I take picture?
I actually feel paiseh coz that's not what bro does.
But I'm taking mental picture in my head. The moment where we sit at the balcony with sunshine and sea breeze, drinking ice cold beer and talking nonsense.

What can I ask for? What did I do to deserve a company which will teman me to do stupid things?

The many chats we had been running in my mind. I'm blessed.

Bro don't say sentimental things. But I'm a girl.
Thank you for scolding me on silly stuff, correcting me and commenting on my emoness.
Thank you for being awesome kick ass friends for 6 freaking years.
Thank you for spending so much time on my boring as fuck topic, and still pretend to be interested.
Thank us for being apart, but not too far apart.
Thank you for being somewhere, where I know if I'm in deep shit, I can count on you.

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Recently I heard this a lot. 相由心生
Well that is like a slap on my face. I feel sulky all the time and that translated to my face.
That's why i have a shitty face.

Sorry heart, for being so sulky. Sorry face, for putting so much expensive skin care on you but still shitty.

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不见棺材不流泪
Who said I never see casket.
I just try to avoid, or minimize it as much as I can.
Just too many casket lying around. Everything can slap me, even memories is bitch slapping me.

And the most tong ku thing is I have to stop music for a while. 
What is life when there's no music?

一样

无论活了多少年，多少岁，心疼的感觉还是一样的。
心脏怎么没有变坚强呢？

Stopping bad habit

People says you need 21 days to pick up a habit, 3 days to pick up a bad one.
How to stop a habit? Not necessarily bad habit but it's just a habit.

The need and urge to talk to someone, to release, share bad day stories, negativity and find comfort in each.
The need to see someone to escape from reality, to avoid going back to the day-time-self and be happy for a while.

The bad habit of not knowing what to do when the above both are gone.

I try so hard to feel blessed, to be happy even though things doesn't work out as it should be, be a little bit more positive when talking to people.

But it's just my bad habit to have an outlet, to vent things out and laugh all about it.
And that is difficult.

It's difficult to find someone who can listen to you and know you, know you more than you do.
Extremely blessed if I have someone like that but HECK, who want to listen to you boring AF story ??

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Grow up girl!
Let it GO.