I want to feel Alive

It's hard to explain such feeling really, the slow death kind of feeling, the sun ray appear sometimes and sometimes not.

It's so hard, super hard, very effing hard not to care. Whenever I try to think, I will do the completely opposite thing. In my mind is, how long can I do this for you? Not long right. Will I regret if I didn't love you as hard as I can? Yes I will. So I love hard.

Surrounding seems like doesn't matter anymore, I try to matter them. Try to prioritize work, try to prioritize everything else. I am trying.

It's a habit of effing 7 years. To like what you like to do, love what you love to eat. Buy your treats although it's oversupply at home.It's sweet doing that, until then.

When I look into mirror I see someone who is extremely tired. Physically and mentally.
Not sure why, tired of trying? Tired of loving so hard? Tired of waiting?
I just grow older over weeks, I see wrinkles, I can't go out without make up.

Finally I reach this stage.

Will I be a better person? God?

Love Me Like You Do

I think I'm extremely afraid of being alone, or being left out.

When I first heard this song, I kinda echoed.

Love me like you do will you?

You're the light, you're the night
You're the color of my blood
You're the cure, you're the pain
You're the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

You're the fear, I don't care
Cause I've never been so high
Follow me to the dark
Let me take you past our satellites
You can see the world you brought to life, to life

So love me like you do, love me like you do
Love me like you do, love me like you do
Touch me like you do, touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Me

Just now my mom showed me some old pictures of my teenage time. I OMGed OMGed for a few times, and wondered how I can be so lame, trying to 'pose' like idol with 'no-smile' face, taken from old school film camera.

*Pictures are too ugly for display.

I was brought up in a family with zero idea how love would be. Love as in the couple love, the lovey dovey love.
I used to have crush in my primary school, but I studied in girl school after that in my secondary school.

In 5 years time without any access to men in my school, I don't know what it is like to be loved, or to love.

When the first time I being court, there's nothing else than DISBELIEVE.
I don't believe that there's actually a boy in this world, who will like who I am, and according to him, he loved me.

I was thrilled, overwelmed and at the same time feel strange. What it is like to be 'loved'?
I start to have a framework of being in love, hold hands, going out, dating, movies etc.
Spent so much time to 'learn' how to be loved and how to love. And most importantly, gain my confident of being a girl, a girl that worth loving by another boy.

I used to think how unworthy I am, because I'm lame, fat, bold, stubborn and snobbish.
Years of learning myself from another person, gain back my confident, bit by bit.

It's quite amazing thinking back, how I used to be and how I learn about myself.
I am truly blessed that I have chance to see myself in that manner.


Saw this just now, I think I'm quite agree that things aren't always that beautiful, but it's not that bad after all. Just like growing up is not something we all want to, but it's ain't that bad eventually.

喜欢一个人，在一起的时候会很开心。爱一个人，在一起的时候会莫名的失落.喜欢一个人，永远是欢乐，爱一个人，你会常常流泪。喜欢一个人，当你想起他会微 微一笑。爱一个人，当你想起他会对着天空发呆.喜欢一个人，是看到了他的优点。爱一个人，是包容了他的缺点。 喜欢，是一种心情。爱，是一种感情。

大年初一

新年快乐啊！ 心想事成啊！ 身体健康啊！青春美丽啊！
真的，快乐就好。

大年初一，本不想那么消极的。可是什么事都有正反两面。我就姑且很正反两面的说说心里话吧。

其实，快乐很简单。
快乐本来就在周围，只要你把不快乐的都变不见，快乐就出现了。
赶得及在电梯门关起来前进电梯，很快乐。
吃了很丰富又罪恶，然后窃喜没有变胖，很快乐。
回家看到垃圾倒了，衣服收好了，很快乐。
路上没有堵车，非常快乐。
周末一天的早茶，真的令人期待的快乐。
知道回家有个人等我，快乐呢。

一生庸庸碌碌，求的不就是平安快乐。

最近，快乐很小了，小的快看不见了。

平凡的幸福不平凡了。
本来岌岌可危的东西，给救回来了，却突然一夜之间，说错了一句话，所有事情都颠覆了。
前面的路，越来越暗，越来越难走了。 本以为快要看到尽头的呢，却发现根本一开始就走错了。

心里的澎湃颤抖，都要往死里塞，一点都不能露馅。
难过也好，伤透心也好，长大了，就知道一个巴掌拍不响的道理。
我是不甘心吗？ 废话，当然。
爱吗？这不是更废话吗？ 我小心翼翼的爱着呢，沾沾自喜的以为自己收放自如，却不知道其实是一塌糊涂。

感觉，原来可以背叛自己的。

今晚大概又睡不着了。

New Year Resolution 2015!

Here we go, a cliche one!

So, everybody have been doing their resolution, this year I feel extra passionate to do this unlike years before. So here we go!

1. To keep up with healthy lifestyle
I hate to lose weight last time, because I've been using the wrong method. starving myself and very little exercise. Now that I found the correct way, I feel good even though my progress is super slow,  and my weight have been stagnant at 60kg for quite a few months now. But who cares, I feel good, feel my muscle toner, self impressed by my tiny weenie abs line, and most importantly I'm not emo!

2. Work harder for the right reason
Work harder-- I told myself. But this year I will work harder for the right reason. Working hard doesn't mean anything. This year has been an eventful awful year, a lot of effort have washed down the drain. Now I need to think wiser, work harder for the right reason.

3. Smile more
Many people who don't know me will think I must be the fiercest person in the entire building, something bad must be happened to me.
I. HAVE. SHIT. FACE, I mean naturally my face is shitty.
It's hard...to smile, so I must smile more so less people will think I'm a crazy bitch.

4. Read more meaningful stuff
I really dislike reading. But this is the only way to be more intelligent, so not forcing to read 'book', but anything which is nutritious.

5. Cook in a more presentable manner
I love cooking, but I always cook in the more convenient way, with least utensils possible, and no presentation at all. I shall learn how to cook more presentable food.

6. Feel grateful
This year has been quite bad. When I say bad, is really bad. I had so much emotions all the time, but after that I learn to be grateful. It could be worst. So I should do this even better this year.

7. Invest in myself
One of the article I read, the common thing that successful people have, is they love to invest in themselves. To keep improving, to make yourself more valuable. This year, I must sign up to at least ONE flower arrangement class, the rest can add to the list.

8. Spend more time with family
Another year older, another year wiser. I should spend more time, go back hometown more frequently while I can.

9. Spend less money on food
Step one to save money. Stop spending so much on food and groceries.

Miss having all of you!

 I think I'm blessed, all this while people have been treating me quite well. Friends, colleague and mentor. I think I'm lucky enough to see more good people than bad one. Especially colleague turn friends, which is not easy. People always said in corporate world there's no friends in work place, but I met so many, and constantly stay in touch even tough people come and go along the way. It's truly an amazing feeling to have friends battle hand in hand with you.

 Although time pass, we don't share the same life, common topic become lesser, lesser gathering, more problems, more complications, but it's still a bless feeling for having friends after people parted. Life have ups and downs, sometimes downs are more than ups. Negative feelings drive people away, I too realize this too late. Aura around me is too negative I don't even want to spread this to anyone.
I will keep that in mind, keep the negative part away. Lock away and throw far away.

A good friend asked me after all the venting, 'What do you want to request in this current situation?'
I had a deep thought during the weekend, realize there's nothing I can request, can nothing I can change the fact.

Therefore the best and the only way is to shut up and keep going. As long as you do the right thing, right end result will come to you.

I know one day I will be at where I'm proud of. Maybe not now, maybe not the coming year, but I will be someone I proud of for sure.

Meanwhile, focus on other stuff! Like...losing weight? :P

All over the place

Everything is driving me INSANE. Literally.

I just sit here, looking around, listening around, birds chirping, loud noise here and there.

There's too many disruption, I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to flame myself up. I don't know what is in front of me.

Can I just laugh out loud and just leave everything behind?
---

Hopefully after this I can find back the restart button.