Life is a bitch

You see me here, means something not right happened.

Argh, when I though life is right, on the right path, good job, good colleague, all gear up to save the world, save the cheerleader, they kill the fuxking cheerleader.

And so here am I, going one big round, giving up my mentor, giving up the company I love, for this shit hole. And this shit hole is kinda...HUGE.

Going around hunting and hunting, hopefully not stepping into another shit hole.

Life is not quite kind to me recently, I'll keep my head up and be a stronger person.

Surreal

Today marked my last day tenure here.
Mixed feeling, sad is the majority.

Feeling insecure, feeling sucky, feeling unlucky, feeling trapped, feeling heavy hearted.

Each time I have this tendency to leave a company just before it gotten into its' best shape. And now looking at the new org chart, I know I'm no where near the management level.

Somehow my progress just stuck at somewhere and can't grow. It make me wonder if people like me who have this kind of personality, not fitted for big task?

Self reminder again, I leave to grow, I leave to feel the hardship, I leave to proof myself that I can, not the one who always look down on myself.

I leave for a tougher reality, leave for better learning, better initiative, a new mind.

I will survive even though it's tough, I can do it.

Understanding

I mentioned to this tons of times, the feeling and the complications for my transition.
Everyday I come early to office, which I never do it before for the past 2.5 years.
I come mostly before 9, int he good days I come at 8am. And despite sleepy, I feel good not feeling rush.

And again, it's his teaching and he's always right. Opportunity is for those who come early.

I can't help to ponder, did I missed something really big in my carreer? Did i do the right thing?
Why do I feel so sad all the time, and feel so insecure?
Why do I see all sorts of issues all the time?

It's complicated

Am I gotten over the whole hoo haa resign-break-up syndrome?
Maybe yes, but not completely.

It's really hard to find anyone to understand how I feel, and yet I wanted to vent out so much.  Trust is so hard to come by, and it's so hard to let go.

Now I'm starting from ground zero again and earning people's trust. Please let me know I did the right thing.
Please let me know I'm better, because I don't feel like it.

People who started at the same ground as me, are already someone, doing something important now. What the hell am I doing?

Indulged

Never know how ungrateful I am until today, when the reality hit me hard that I am going to let go probably one of the best person in my life.

I'm always indulged in nurture and mentor, and I always under-appreciate these.

You shape me who I am today, and I thought I can be on my own, and shaping my life. Seems like it's harder than I thought.

The new dimension

I try to avoid blogging about it for weeks, but I think I should remind myself for these feelings.

I decided to change path in my life. Not to many people surprise, I wasn't too happy recently. I looked sad, frowning, bad face complexion, stressed constantly. So when the time is right (which means I can't take it anymore), I decided and no turning back.

I'm afraid  as well, at the same time.
'Never sell yourself low' the boss said.
Even when I decided, he still give me advise like a teacher.

The fact that I made my decision, my decision has affected me in many ways.
most of the time, emotionally.
I didn't imagine I can be so sulky and so regret about my choice.
Before this I can only imagine 2 outcome. I risk my relationship with my mentor, the only way to end this is either he flip, or he'll freeze me from anything else.

Neither of the things he do to me. He treated me extra nice, and everything seems back to last time, when I still enjoyed my work very much.

I try to find one fella who can understand me, but no one.
Maybe my mom can.

My relationship with the boss is very weird, weirdly close and almost like a butler.
I admire him a lot since I was a uni student, he taught me almost everything, and the experience shaped me who I am today. I'm more matured than most of my peers, and from learning I know how to handle people.

I'm still a lizard, too far to become a dragon. But without his teaching I would just stays as a worm.
There's much more than mentorship if you ask me, that's why everything is so hard when I know I will leave him. And the endless conversation and apologetic tone he had, leave me in misery.

 When I first started working, many friends given me many 'warnings'. But on the other side, same thing like I told my colleague, from all the trainings, sharpening and scoldings, do you realize you learned something?

No one knows better than me, how much I learned, how much I suffered but how much I felt grateful for the tests. Each test make me feel stronger, each test gained confident.

It's just a time's up button in me, that I think I need to move on, to find a defined path for myself.

I never fail to believe that in the future, road will cross again. Just like how he told me.

I cherish every long conversation we had, and although it's hard, I'm thankful for not giving up on me.

I wished someone could share my feelings.

Transitions in 10 years

 

I sort of have so much feeling today. OK, not sort of, I think I have many feelings now.

Went to catch up with some old friends today, just a short one. I was shocked that so many of them are going to get married this year or next year. And one of my important friend showed me his proposal video just now.

I'm OVERWHELMED.

Looking back to the days we were in our uniforms, practicing and performing together as an orchestra. That was 10 freaking years ago. 

And now we are no longer talking about work, career and cliche bf.

It's about marriage now and someone's baby.

Soon after that we will see people start bringing babies to join the gang. What a scene!

And I'm glad and also happy to witness this transition. 

On the other hand it makes me realize, this is so surreal.

As if everything happened and I'm not part of it. I think I better be a bystander than in it.

I can visualize myself with many other things but nothing close to that. Showing each other the ring and rocks on the fingers, and discuss about ritual and ceremonies. 

But somehow I guess that's a happy thing to do, to be able to share that precious experience with someone. And get ready and all excited about the big day.

I'm truly happy for those who manage to find their prince charming, and the happiness on their face, is unbelievable.