29 years old!!

I'm officially 29!
Yay!

It's 12.22am now, just past my official day of turning into 29.
I must said this year is very eventful.

I have lots of ups, in career, with friends, with another half, with family.
There's lots of downs as well, I guess things need to balance up a bit. Stressed with career, fuss about friends and etc.

But I thankful for such arrangement in life. I learnt a lot, learn to be strong, and learn that I'm invincible, I can do anything I want, at least I believe so.

I see myself clearer, 29 years old me.
I like to be myself once in a while, please myself, be alone and feel secure about it.

I had massive insecurity few months ago, and to my friend who are super annoyed at my famous quote, #quarterlifecrisis.
I fear for the unknown, fear for the future, and worst is I had so much regrets which I hope to do better, but I can't turn back time. So much worry it drowns me.

I'm better now, like I said, I learnt.
I will control the future, and live every bit of it. And I feel much secure now.

It's my last 20s, and I like to experience everything! I am excited with the unknown, go for it!

To everyone whom I love, loved and loving me, thank you for the warm wishes on my small little birthday. I felt big with all your love.

Thank you.

Relationship management

Nope, not talking about boy girl love.

I'm talking about friendship.
Once a friend asked me, do you think a friendship that need to be managed, is true friendship?

Well, sad but it's true that friendship do need to be managed and groom. Friendship that doesn't need to be groomed has been elevated, become sisterhood, or closer than friends.


So, what if your friend have lost interest in you, your topic, your jokes, your invitation?
And you can see clearly double standard is applying to you?

Sad but true that friends sometimes are the best person to hurt you, especially those that knew you too well. When you expose all the soft spot, they know exactly where to press.

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Recently there's a horrible news happened.

A lady who is the nicest person I knew, a nicest HR I knew lost her husband.
Heart attack, sudden death.

This sadden me a lot, makes me wonder, why am I holding on things that not worth my time?

You can see this person in the morning, and in the same day you are separated by 2 different world?

Why are you so ashamed to admit you miss someone?
Why are you so untrue about yourself?
What if people despise you for being so emotional? Heck it! This is how I feel at the moment and I want you to know!

If I'm happy I laugh, if I'm sad I frown.
If I told you I missed you, I truly am.

What if this is not mutual?

HECK IT!

I know if I'm gone in the next moment, at least I said what I want to say, did what I want to do.

Towards friends I'm an open book. You can read me anytime you want, just the matter of whether you just judging me by the cover.

People drifted apart, see who are the last one standing, and I will cherish every moment I earn from you.

Double Standards

I had an emotions outrage recently, involving a double standard treatment by a friend I keep close to heart.
Before everything else we spoke about this, of being deserted by friend and how bad it feels...
And I said, I will choose friendship over everything else, just don't walkaway.

And there you go, you did the same to me, applying double standard to me, whom I keep close to my heart.
Since it's so close, it hurt the most. I thought I will do everything for you, you will do the same too.
But no, far from there.

I wrote about loving myself on 22 July.
Today is 19 Aug, and I failed to love myself.

SELF REMINDER: I am who I am. I can only be the one I like, if I start loving myself.
I deserve to be loved and I deserve to be selfish for a while. I can be me, no one can help me to be me.

I love myself, and more each day.

Suicide Squad

Despite how bad the reviews are, how low the ratings for this movie, I still like this movie.
I can't deny that the character is too 'good' to be badass, especially Deadshot, but still, kudos to the DOP of the movie.

It's like, these people are living in a limbo.
A different dimension. A space where they have just themselves and no one else.
No social responsibilities, no fear of judgement, no need to please others, no standard of being normal.

Not normal is the standard.

Fearless, bold, daring. They living like a dead people, so you will not feel, will not fear, you just move on and counting days.

Feel the joy from ruins. Be wasted, be the bottom layer of the world and you will not fear to fall.

Be free in the limbo, no restrictions, no chain, no cage.

They don't live.  They are dead, living like a dead people.

It's not the plot or character or story I like about the movie. It's the mood and how the mood was set to be fun being the bad guy.


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Enough of movies.

Say hello to my little girl :)

My world has turned upside down, literally ever since this fella came to my life.
I have literally no time for myself, and basically just adjusting my lifestyle to suit her.

She's Mochi. My healer.

I rescued her when I saw her hopping outside of my guard house in a raining night.
She's hopping because her back leg was injured.

She shivering when I found her, carry her to the car, without knowing what is coming for us.
It's not love at the first sight, not that romantic. I find her quite...ugly and very mongrel.

I always wanted a dog but I hold on to that idea because..I have no time. And I don't want to be burden by huge responsibility.

But she found me. She found me when I needed to be distracted the most.
She give me joy, keep me busy and warm my heart.

I was having quarter life crisis, aka not knowing what to do in life, feeling on the float constantly with a tinge of heartache constantly.

I lost interest in many things (but not to food), and I have very short attention spend.

With Mochi she keep me focused. She make me happy when I needed the most. She allow me to  love her because I just have too much feelings.

She is well mannered, well behaved, potty trained, obedient, very good energy, not too energetic.
Perfect dog for us.

It's a whole new journey for me. It's not easy because I have no experience.
its challenging because I stay in a townhouse.

It's hard when I have no one at home to look after her.

But I think it's fated for us to found her on that night, and her fate to be part of us to keep us happy and warm.

She's the most gentle dog I ever see.

Thank you god for listening to me.

Loving Me

I've been criticized by a lot of people.

Weisin you cannot be too emo.
Weisin you are too negative.
Weisin you're clingy.
Weisin you can't be like this.
Weisin you cannot do this, you just can't.
Weisin you are nobody, don't think too highly of yourself.

Along the way, confident level will go down, and I don't love myself anymore.
I think I'm not worth it, not worth your time, not worth your feelings, and I'm just should be normal, shouldn't stand out.

And I pretty sure I like myself, just don't love myself.

But no one will love me if I don't start to love myself first.

I am me, I am who I am.
I am sensitive, I am expressive, I am noisy, I am crazy, I am random, I am different, I have RBF.
But this is me. I am special, I am the only one that can acted this way. I am what I want myself to be.
I cry whenever I want, I laugh I smile when i'm happy.

How dare you to scold me for being, cheerful?

Why am I not deserve to be loved?
Just because I'm not good enough?

I'm much better than a lot of people I'm sure, I will be loved.

Hey me, don't you worry dear. You worth everything, and you are perfect.
You are who you are, your imperfection make you , you.

Thank god for making me realize this.

Thank you.

My thoughts on Snap Chat

I've been hearing this since...late last year.
Downloaded it, deleted it, install again, delete again.
Till the 3 time, where I need this for work, I force to install again.

I'm trying to explore this app, basically it's instant, much more instant than instagram, huge video platform and pure random.

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These are my thoughts on this mega million app and soon to be bigger.

This app represent every millennial.
Short, instance, temporary.
Attention spend for young people are short, Snap chat make it as short as possible, even video you made people watch is short enough to pay attention. This reflected youngster nowadays believe in something temporary, something just happen in a glimpse. No one wants to remember you and have you as a memory.

No one is memory, they are just ...passerby.
I saw you eating lunch, doing homework, partying. But I don't want to remember you.
You are just another pretty girl with extra pretty filter, staring at you for 15 sec, that's all.

No string attach, no interaction, no like, no feeling, no nothing. Just passerby.

For people who posted things up.

I just want people to see me, regardless you see me or not.
I just want to broadcast to the world about my pathetic zhap fan and tell you, 'look, my zhap fan is better than your's'

I do not need your comment, do not need to interact with you, I just want to post this up, and move on with life. Or move on by watching other people's life.

Nothing will lingers after that. No memories, no bread crumbs, just a 'noted' and there even isn't any 'noted' gesture to show.

It's a generation of individualistic.
It's an era where people have confident, have options and choices, you can do whatever you want.

I'm from the era where we have limited digital resources. Something not worth a memory or impact not worth that expensive dial up internet data. That's why we have floppy disk, CD ROM, DVD burner, USB and etc.

I used to save up all my favorite MTV from my fav boy band so I can repeat again.

Technology move on, people changed, lifestyle changed.

People are spoil with choices. And everyone trying to grab everyone's attention. Be it a stupid attention or not. I just want that 15 sec of your life, and look at me.

Our communication pattern of the coming generation will change too.
But to something more impromptu, more spontaneous, random (Hipster) and nothing...worth to stay.

Instant messages not meant to stay, pictures, video and memories, nothing can make a stand.

You don't need to study this person's past because there is no past.

Looking at how people adapting to technology make me sad.

突发奇想

其实人生会遇到漂亮的东西很多，美丽的事物一大堆。

可是不是漂亮就适合你的。

可能crop top 很美， 可是你有大肚腩。
可能小弟很帅， 可是你很穷，养不起小白脸。
你看到一双绝世bling bling鞋， 可是鞋号太小，难道你就硬硬卖了供奉在家吗？

每个人到爱美丽的事，可是并未必是最适合你的。
最适合你的往往是很平庸的。 荧光色蕾丝砖石内衣， 评比素色肤色内衣，哪个出场率高？


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今天和kawan 喝酒，不知道什么时候，啤酒没有令我很讨厌了。
以前觉得啤酒很苦，现在入口就是辛辣和回甘，后劲有点涩。不会觉得很苦了。
人类荷尔蒙很厉害的，以前不行的不代表以后都不行。

上帝造人，把女人做得很棒。

忍痛一流，才可以生孩子。
忍屎忍尿， 才可以持家。
所以我很强，没有我做不到的事。我真的很他妈的强，强到你们要害怕我。

kawan 和我说，做自己就不会有遗憾。
靠！
我不做自己我会那么多怨言，我就是以为我可以做做自己，偶尔发发牢骚，讲讲是非。
到头来太自我还是很讨人厌的。

你不开心你做自己，然后让大家都知道你不开心？

除非你独来独往，我真的承认我不行。
不然我没有权利做自己。


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我有反省为什么我那么negative according to kawans.
可是我可能不是很在意一些事情，毕竟我很善忘。
可是当下我郁闷，不开心，唯一途径就是找人倾诉， 找懂我的人倾述。
久而久之大家都以为我很悲，做人很不快乐。

有时的确，可是大部分时候我只要说出来，隔天就没事了。

可是散播negativity 是讨厌鬼，所以我不要做讨厌鬼。

只有在这里吐吐苦水了。

大家到底是怎么抒发的呢？


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我真的很强，没有我做不到的事。