Loving me

Hello from bkk! The land of smiles, good food, great people, shopping and massage!

I had lots of fun here with the girls, it's good to take away my mind for a while, to a totally new environment to not think about negativity.

But there's still a hole inside. I don't think it fix anything at all, but I just keeping myself busy busy busy.
I love shopping but it's not that's satisfying.

There's post shopping conversation between the girls, about treating ourselves right, embracing ourselves with the best treatment and feel good.


It's so foreign to me!

They disbelieve that I don't know the feeling of feeling great about my own body, my outlook and do things that make you feel that way.

I like myself, but I not sure whether I love myself. Maybe that's why people feel the same towards me.
I treat myself right but not the best.
There's too many imperfection that I don't think I work hard enough to love myself.

So action plan: to love myself. By becoming the person I like.

First off the list: diet.

I'm always self conscious about the way I look, the way I dress, what I wear.
Shopping here these few days Manley me realize how much I have changed. I used to not think about the outcome, just buy because it's cheap. But now I do.

Settle weight problem probably can bring back some confidence.

I think I used to be confident. But not anymore, it's gone with the music and gone for a very long time.

Secondly: be confident.

Walk with chest up, chin up, firm footstep and smile.
Don't forget to smile.


Thirdly: be interesting

Be random, be interesting, be someone that is entertaining, don't be negative. Turn into someone everyone like to be with. Become someone who can start random conversations anytime anywhere.
Be interesting.

I like you, myself. I just doesn't like you enough to love you.

Grateful. Blessed

Music is like my sofa. 

I dont treasure it when it's there. When I give my sofa away and been sofa-less for 2 months, I miss it, so much. 

Music is my source of negativity nowadays, I listen to trashy songs and repeat meaningless  beats than my usual playlist. Good thing about English chennel is they have countless meaningless beats, super bimbo lyrics that you won't feel anything out of it. 

I'm grateful that my sofa is finally here. Welcome home, finally! 

Mental Pictures

So after much planning, I finally did my first trip of the year. With my favorite dudes for a dude trip :)
I've been yearning for this for soooooo long and it started with heavy rain, end with spicy hot sunshine.

I can't ask for more, I get what I hoped for, good company, lots of beer, occasionally dead air but that's fine, and lots of bull shit.

Probably we knew each other too well, there's nothing much to talk about actually, but I'm still blessed that we did this.

Although I quite sure this will be the last. I don't think the rest enjoyed as much as I did.

Most of the time I siok sendiri, like this.

So I've been crowned as a emo queen, for whatever reason.
And sometimes i really do, when I drowned in sadness and emotional, it's freaking hard to get myself up and be happy again. But I'm a grown girl now, I can control.

I might be a emo queen, but at least I try to find happiness, I do something to change, I tell myself to be strong. And I CAN.

From where I used to be to now, I've been making remarkable progress. I used to abuse myself because I want to feel more pain than the one inside my chest (but not wanting to die of course). But I find that silly now. I don't do that anymore, I live my life.

OK la layan a bit.

They refuse to let me use BFF, it actually meant Bro Fucking Friend. kthxbye.

Bro asked me why didn't I take picture?
I actually feel paiseh coz that's not what bro does.
But I'm taking mental picture in my head. The moment where we sit at the balcony with sunshine and sea breeze, drinking ice cold beer and talking nonsense.

What can I ask for? What did I do to deserve a company which will teman me to do stupid things?

The many chats we had been running in my mind. I'm blessed.

Bro don't say sentimental things. But I'm a girl.
Thank you for scolding me on silly stuff, correcting me and commenting on my emoness.
Thank you for being awesome kick ass friends for 6 freaking years.
Thank you for spending so much time on my boring as fuck topic, and still pretend to be interested.
Thank us for being apart, but not too far apart.
Thank you for being somewhere, where I know if I'm in deep shit, I can count on you.

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Recently I heard this a lot. 相由心生
Well that is like a slap on my face. I feel sulky all the time and that translated to my face.
That's why i have a shitty face.

Sorry heart, for being so sulky. Sorry face, for putting so much expensive skin care on you but still shitty.

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不见棺材不流泪
Who said I never see casket.
I just try to avoid, or minimize it as much as I can.
Just too many casket lying around. Everything can slap me, even memories is bitch slapping me.

And the most tong ku thing is I have to stop music for a while. 
What is life when there's no music?

一样

无论活了多少年，多少岁，心疼的感觉还是一样的。
心脏怎么没有变坚强呢？

Stopping bad habit

People says you need 21 days to pick up a habit, 3 days to pick up a bad one.
How to stop a habit? Not necessarily bad habit but it's just a habit.

The need and urge to talk to someone, to release, share bad day stories, negativity and find comfort in each.
The need to see someone to escape from reality, to avoid going back to the day-time-self and be happy for a while.

The bad habit of not knowing what to do when the above both are gone.

I try so hard to feel blessed, to be happy even though things doesn't work out as it should be, be a little bit more positive when talking to people.

But it's just my bad habit to have an outlet, to vent things out and laugh all about it.
And that is difficult.

It's difficult to find someone who can listen to you and know you, know you more than you do.
Extremely blessed if I have someone like that but HECK, who want to listen to you boring AF story ??

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Grow up girl!
Let it GO.

Realization of 29 YO

If there's a time machine, I'm sure my old self will be shock at my new self.
Hello 29!

Beginning of this year I started to have SLOW realization of 29 YO. My final year of being 20s.
I can stop giving myself excuse that I'm young, no one will treat me like a little girl anymore, and don't, don't hope for that too.
I am an ADULT from experience and age.

I need to be responsible for my life.

Let's take a look what are the differences, 20s vs 29s


1. Exercise

I can NEVER imagine myself being a yogi in my early 20s. I used to hate exercising. The only time I did that is because vain reason, I just want to loose weight. I undergone some extreme diet, torture my stomach and eat only fiber. I was young, although it's tough but still bearable. I can almost conclude that I can't do that kind of extreme lifestyle anymore.

After few instances, I started to pick up swimming thanks to my buddy. Then we become regular exercise buddy and started yoga, and some group exercise classes.

Now I am proud to pick up this habit of exercising, and occasionally do it at home when I'm utter guilty for excess rubbish food.

Well done, new me.

2. Health freak

My old self enjoyed food, a bit too much. I still too enjoy food, but whenever I can, I will pack my own cook lunch to work. I'm quite amazed at my determination, although I'm not hardcore, only try to make it 3 times in a week. I'm in sales line, it's unavoidable to have client's lunch/ company lunch every week. But I still quite happy I'm continuing that. My old self will never imagine I could do something sooooo tideous and to be honest, it's not as delicious as outside food with tasty grease and MSG.

Well done again!









3. Open mind

A dear friend commented me many times. i'm super EGO.
I think I am, it's in my nature. I guess that's why since young my vibe telling others that, despite I claimed I'm super low key. Teachers always elected me as class rep, team lead, singing competition, story telling competition and etc. I guess that's the vibe I portrayed even from schooling time.

But this is me. I embrace it and try not to overdo it.
I always refuse to try anything new, something that I'm insecure or knowing that I might not do well.
But this year especially, I tried to have an open mind.

Learning guitar from Youtube although I'm still suck at it
Tried my first ever Marathon and it's ain't that bad.
Going to try more outdoor activities to see if I'm a outdoor person

Be open mind. Way to go girl!


I want to enjoy this year, my last 20s as much as I can. When I read this 5 years down the road, I know I will not be regretted at any decision I made.

I want to be happy, be free and be me.

What do you want?

At this point of time, half way through my final 20s. What do I want?
I feel like I'm floating in these 20 odd years, my expectation is what others expecting me.

I was selected in singing competitions because others are expecting me to.
Story telling because what others think I can do it.
Class rep because... I look like one?
I'm a friend who what my friend think I should be, a daughter of what a mom think I'm should be, a niece, granddaughter of what I'm suppose to do.

Till now, I'm the person people expecting me to do, in career, in relationship.

But what do I want? Who do I want to follow? What do I believe? Where can I go further?
Is this the best of what I can do? Or I can excel further?

Do I want to be ambitious? Or it's just again, expectation?

Do I want to be good all the time? Or someone can excuse me for being naughty and nasty?

I like living up to someone's expectation, that pushes me to a better me. But sometimes I wonder, will my path be different, if I were to live a different way?

Do I LOVE myself?

Will you forgive me if I'm being honest?
Do I always have to give in?
I generally don't like hurtful feelings. Many times I would rather give in to avoid getting hurt, or hurting others.

But anyone care, what I really want? What I expecting others?
Can you listen to me?

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Challenges in work and challenge accepted.
I would rather work on difficult and big projects than dealing with difficult people.
But I guess this was arranged for a reason. If I can go through this, I might be elevated emotionally, to someone better.

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Guitar lessons from Youtube..is slow in progress.
I broke another string today and I have no idea how can I keep breaking the string so fast.
Guess it takes time, lots of time to practice.

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Japan should be able to take off, I hope. Fingercross.
This year seems progressive and I'm happy about it :)

Thank god for laying so much adventures before me. I'm blessed with everything I have.