When life throw you lemon.

When life throw you lemon, make a fucking lemonade?

If you are close to me, probably you know the agony and frustrations I suffered in the past one year.
It's been one year I'm diving myself into a new industry, and I think I did ok. Not good, not really bad, but just OK.

In this past one year I reflect a lot. I didn't do well is it because of..ME?
Yes, I thin partially yes. But this version of me reminded myself the secondary school me.

Girls around me are exceptional. my best friend is miss popular, everyone love her, academically sound, and she can do anything she want.

I studied in science stream in a girl school, the school is one of the top school in town. Like any other good school, peer pressure is enormous.
I channel my energy to orchestra. I did ok in Yang Qin, I think I'm the best player in my team, but I never make it to have my solo performance.

My teacher commented me before, that my heart is not peaceful, my music represents me, they are with anger. I guessed he's right.

I remembered I felt so small everyday. Morning before class, I like to go to the field and watch the sun rise. I inhale the morning breeze as much as I can, and tell myself not to fuck up today.
And I live another day by.

I have friends who believe in me, I have music to fill my head. I have loving family who supported me no matter what I do. But I feel small. I feel not good enough. I have no confident.

This feeling continued till 3rd year college. The first two years was quite shitty. And on my 3rd year I realize, the problem is NOT ME.

I have been surrounded by parasite, I can never be myself.

From then onward I grow that confidence little by little, bit by bit.

Every time I met someone who believed in me, I felt stronger, I felt I can do anything.

You invest some confidence and trust in me, and I can work magic. Always the case.

That's what I been through in the past one year. Feeling little.


----


Now life throw me a lemon, and I will make some lemon jam and enjoy my toast.

I will embark into a new life and hopefully, I can be stronger, I can be that ME whom I like. Whom I see confidence bursting from my own eyes.

I will disregards the negativity surrounded me, and I will leave those cancerous people and things behind. I will start all over around and and I will be great.


----

Another best friend of mine is getting married. I just gonna jot down here to reminisce in the future.

I remembered we spoke about the future, and he always think he will end up alone because the one don't exist. And I always believe in the right timing with the right girl. And hell yeah I'm right.

Seeing him a changed man, it is almost unbelievable. I guess that's what love is, will move mountains and change you without noticed.

Love wins :)

Reminiscing-Love is painful

Did you ever listen to a song that draws back your memories, and it strike like a bloody rock to your head?

Music play a big part in my life, at least it used to. When I put on my headphone, I feel like I have the world. The time move slower, I'm the master of my life, there's no more nuisance just...pure joy/ sadness.

Those who are important to me, I usually have a song for you. It doesn't necessary make sense with the music match, but when I listen to THIS song, This is YOUR song in my head.

I've been on repeat (a lot) for a few songs all the time. Let see if I can do a top 10 list.

1. John Mayer- Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
2. John Mayer- Heartache Warfare
3. GD- Without you
4. M-FLO- Let go
5. M-flo- One day
6. One ok Rock- The Beginning
7. Pink- Try
8. Def Tech- Inori
9. Lana Del Ray- Lust for life
10. Handsome Ghost- Lion


I think there's more than these but right now these are in my head.

Now I know why people commented on my song choices, actually they are all quite emo.

That's why I stop listening to Chinese songs so frequent, when I understand the lyrics I tend to cry easily when I listen to it.

More than once when I'm driving in the car, I listen to that ONE song that hits me, and I'll just start to tear. (language doesn't matter)

Isn't all artist are amazing, you create something that can foundation a memory on top, and it never die.

I want to create something like this too.

2019 WEE-WANG-WANG

Can't believe it's 2019 already. 2018 seems like just yesterday, and it's over now.

2018 is interesting.

I have some major changes in one year.

I start off the year as a 31 year old aunty.

Did great in my ex company, and I changed job.

Started another path in an automotive related company and sinking in the industry. Learning about engine and car models. I thought it's gonna be boring but actually, quite interesting.

But do I love car now? NO.

I changed my status from single to MARRIED.

Yes, I'm married on Oct 27 2018. Our 10 years anniversary. 

We did almost everything the way we want, and it's perfect. It's casual, carefree, no ceremony, good music with friends and family.

I'm blessed.

----------------

Now, 2019.

Starting this year with some small resolution

1. BE MORE ACTIVE

I've been slacking after the wedding, not as strict on diet and exercise as I used to. Partly blame the year end- Christmas- gathering- friends open house etc.

2. SMILE MORE

I know I look quite a bitch when I'm not smiling. And since age is kicking in, I think I need to look a bit gentle little smile on my face.

3. SAVE MORE

With a new job now, I'm not sure if I'm living more comfortable, but definitely need to save more.

There are some miscalculation on my investment, monthly commitment seems quite high now.

4. SPEND LESS

Same as above, I hope I can be a bit more minimalist. My wardrobe definitely not minimal. AT .ALL.

5. LEARN FAST

New job, new superior, new culture. I need to learn fast.

My new boss is a smart person, and I have a lot to catch up

6. FINISH AT LEAST ONE BOOK

I'm obsessed with Simon Sinek recently, partly because I was quite lost playing the leader role.

I aimed to finish at least one of his book this quarter.

7. TRAVEL

At least one time plsss.

That's all, let's review this again in 3 months time :)

Adios.

Fork in the road

 

I'm standing at this busy road.

I'm seeing the cars, people, bird, cloud, sprinting in front of me.

Everything is so clear, and yet to blur. 

Everything is so loud, but yet so quiet. 

I tried to scream. But not a sound. 

The sound of the world is just like a frequency in my head.

I hear you, but my body is not with my mind.

I'm a passenger in my own body.

-----

I'm facing a pack of dead soul everyday.

What can you do when you have no drive in life?

I'm behaving like a bitch everyday. Almost everything I hate about a leader, I have done it all.

I have a hammer on my both shoulders everyday, I have a feet kicking on my ass everyday... 

I'm turning into someone I hate. How to ever get use to this?

-----

On the bright side, perhaps this is another best thing that can happen to me.

Learning from an iron fist like this perhaps can make me buck up on my weakness.

Things happen for a reason, I've been slacking. 

I choose this in my life, I have to walk the talk.

HOPE for better future

credit to @redhongyi

This is when the impossible made possible. And it all happened because we bear something so special called HOPE.

Hope was thin when the country is so corrupted, murder under broad day light and covered up. Corruption was bleached to 'no wrong doing'. Good people are forced to do or say bad things. Morale and etiquette are being challenged. 

However humanity evolved, after thousands of years, one thing humanity adapt fast is we evolve. We rise from the ashes and the impossible, made possible. The country we've been longing for, a just and fair country. 

9 May 2018, a day to remember. People fought, and we won the battle. We rise from the ashes.

-----------

Even the unthinkable is happening, I think it's only fair to do something about myself.

Let's start from something small.

1. I'm going to start a new eating pattern called 'intermittent fasting' . As the name suggest, it's a short period of fasting to decrease producing insulin in the body and encourage fat burning on the non eating hours. Target to do this for 5 months, let's see how it goes.

2. Increase workout. Other than regular wednesday workout, I will increase workout to 3 times a week. #con9lan7firmmustdo

3. Keep things in place. I swear to wash all dishes after meal and leave as little dishes behind as possible.

4. Learn. Good or bad, learn from people around me. Learn to be sharp, listen carefully, observe carefully, analyze and absorb the goodness.

5. Take up a challenge. This is happening real soon, I shall reveal when time is right.

6. Step out of comfort zone. Read a book, do more work, be more responsible. Treat people will all my heart. Dedicate all my heart at work. Learn how to break the ice in minute. Learn to bridge the gap with people whom I can't 'click' with. Do things differently. Do the right thing and learn from wrongs. Think 3 steps ahead and react.

I think these are not something small, but I must do this. 

Sekian, signing off from a better nation now.

Two sides of the world

I have awesome friends, I guess they are the reason I feeling belonged and loved most of the time. With the current situation, where I spend most of my time on something wasting and negative, friends are my pillar.

I realize today I have very different feelings toward some people. If bipolar is how this feels, I probably have it the whole time.

Some people make you feel awesome, they compliment you, they laugh at your silly jokes, whack gau you when you are siasui, they don't care if you are pretty or not but they just want to be with you. They make you feel like you're special.

Sometimes I'll feel awful for no particular reason. When I'm near some people, I'll feel small, little, no confident. There's nothing that can triggers that but I will feel very small when I near to them. Your voice is weak and you have to think about the next thing you say, worry about judgement. But why worry about judgement? Who will judge me? Why am I feeling such at all?

My ex company makes me feel the same too. I'm not sure if this is the right word, but I was intimidated by it. Maybe jealous, maybe. I feel not worth to be there, feel like not good enough for them, everyone else are so far beyond reach and here I am, still crawling like a fucking snail. They are 'digital', I'm a con artist.

One of my boss made a 30 min speech last night in a event, talking about reskill and transformation.
He's right. I need to reskill myself. But where?

And today another boss made a damn funny statement, to stop the staff from posting some pictures on social media. I can't believe I'm doing digital in such environment.

That moment itself, I'm honestly ashamed.

-----

I'm also ashamed at myself.

I acted like 'me' yesterday when I was with my colleague.
Then I realize, most of the time, the 10 hours I'm working in office/ outside...is not me.
I'm living under the fucking bitch mask for 10 hours. I hate it.

I blame it to the environment.
A competitive environment that everyone will HARM you, everyone will take things away from you. An environment that you are at the bottom of the food chain, you can only hope to pick up bread crumb that people don't want.

If you happen to found a meat, fear not, it'll be taken away, sooner or later.

There's barely any logic, justice is vague, system is ambiguous.
I think this is quite clear if I belongs here.

Fucking time wasting

I'm 30, about to turn 31 in 9 months time.

I used to think, let's wait a while longer, wait until I move up to another level then it's good for my profile. But seriously, I always said I love digital, but what is good for me even when I'm at another level? Glamarize sales machine?

Today is the day, where I need to remember this.

I can't waste time learning about corporate coldness, corporate insanity where people just work without question, never fight back the corrupted system, no question against work that is not recognized, people who can't make decision, and many many layers of bureaucracy.

I'm sure corporate is good, it's stable, it's systematic, very structured. I used to enjoy this till today.

I'm furious. Furious for doing free work, angry for effort not captured, pissed for system that is constantly ambiguous and no one is voicing out,  most importantly I'm angry and sad at the same time, but there's no one that I can talk to. Because bitch, this is your fucking choice.

You fuck with your own time, you choose to waste your time hoping miracle will happen, you think you are playing strategy with your career and hope that it will reward you. You believe in the sugar coat that all the people force feeding you. You are the one that cause so much anger within.

I always play good. I play the good person. Maybe not the most friendly one but I always try to avoid fighting. Avoid problem, avoid blaming, avoid anger, avoid problem before the problem might appear. But I was told that I'm the one who is not forward and frank enough to protect my interest.

You can sound me for all the sour faces and crazy anger attitude, but NEVER on my character and attitude towards my work.

I should be now, fucking knowledgeable about what I'm passionate about, and work in a happy environment with people who I spent so much time with that I call them friends and family.

my happiness is my conscious choice, I just have to figure out how.